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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

365 replies

OhMyLantern · 29/12/2025 15:44

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

OP posts:
MamsKnit · 29/12/2025 16:21

What everyone else has said. And yes I would be upset that she asked.

CheeseyOnionPie · 29/12/2025 16:22

Do not give her a penny - you know full well you will never see that money again. She doesn’t think of it as a loan, she clearly sees you as having had a nice little windfall and she wants a slice of it. Tell her you’ve used it for your own debts already. And stop telling her your personal business when it comes to money.

She needs to get one of those debt consolidation plans.

Aislyn · 29/12/2025 16:22

Say no, and time to find a new friend it sounds like.

LeDix · 29/12/2025 16:23

Please, please, please say no!!!

HumbleTalkativeMum · 29/12/2025 16:24

I really relate to this — it’s so hard when someone asks for help but hasn’t shown up for you when you were struggling. I’ve been through that too. I’m currently on UC, dealing with an overpayment, going through repossession, and trying to get my 3‑year‑old tested for autism (and possibly myself too). I’ve had friends who didn’t offer a food shop, advice, or even emotional support when I was at rock bottom — and now they’re asking for help.

It’s okay to feel conflicted. You’re not being unreasonable at all. You’re allowed to protect your energy and your finances, especially when you know the help won’t be returned or respected. It doesn’t mean you’re unkind — it means you’re setting boundaries.

If you ever want to talk more about this kind of friendship stuff, I’m around. I’m trying to make new mum friends this year — people who understand the emotional and practical weight of doing life solo. DM me if you’d like to connect 💛.

Friendlygingercat · 29/12/2025 16:25

OP I hope you havnt shared your financial details with friend as you have here. If you did it was a mistake you will know not to make in the future.

I would point out that you had to repay your parents and that you have other expenses as well. Your debts were the result of circumstances beyond your control. Your friend is living at home and has got into debt through fecklaes spending on inessentials like nails and holidays. I would suggest she asks her own parents for support or an organzation like Stepchange. They can help her with a debt repayment plan whereby her excess income is apportioned between her creditors and paid back at a pro rate rate.

OrigamiOwls · 29/12/2025 16:25

She is not your best friend OP

suburberphobe · 29/12/2025 16:26

She's not your friend. She's a user. Plenty of them in the world.

You need to up your boundaries.

ladyamy · 29/12/2025 16:26

No

Genevieva · 29/12/2025 16:27

She is not your friend. She is a sponger. Emotional and financial.

mummytrex · 29/12/2025 16:28

She isn't your friend. A friend wouldn't do this.

PullTheBricksDown · 29/12/2025 16:29

Say no, it's all accounted for like everyone else has said - you could tell her your parents have got it for safekeeping. But you could offer to work with her on things so you're supporting her the way she supported you? Eg meet up for walks or talk about what you can avoid spending money on to put it towards paying off debts? That might make you feel better about saying no - which you absolutely must do.

Namechange568899542 · 29/12/2025 16:29

No. You haven’t obtained life changing lottery money, after paying your parents back you’ve essentially only got 13k. No idea what your outgoings are but presumably you’ll need to use another 2-3k to get you through until your first payday. That leaves you with 10k which is not the sort of money you can start lending out willy nilly. If your new job doesn’t work out because you don’t like it, or you get made redundant in the first two years and aren’t entitled to a pay out, then you’ll likely need the 10k as a safety net. Alternatively, you might want to buy a car/go on holiday/get a new sofa or whatever you fancy with it, that’s entirely up to you.

It’s not up to you to bail your friend out of a financial mess. The only advice I will give though is to not ever discuss finances in future. Realistically, you should be able to tell your friend that you’ve won your case and she should just be pleased for you that you’ve done so but the reality is that even the people you’re closest too can suddenly become convinced they’re entitled to money that isn’t theirs when they’ve got a sniff of it.

tanstaafl · 29/12/2025 16:30

OP, it’s a good sign you’ve posted on here to sound out us randoms as to whether we agree with your thinking ( as we do ).

Prepare yourself for the negotiation when you say No, sorry, can’t.
And your friend asks what can you loan or how about ‘just’ £3000.

Ultimately be prepared for the end of this friendship.

Woollyguru · 29/12/2025 16:30

Say no but offer to go through her finances with her and help her work out a budget and plan for her to repay her debts.

If you can't help maybe signpost her to online resources to help with this sort of thing. Money saving expert might be a good place to start.

Ladybird11 · 29/12/2025 16:30

In this circumstance, especially if you are struggling with boundaries, a white lie is acceptable.. eg 'Im sorry.. i don't have that to spare'..
If pushed- ' I had had to borrow and have now repaid what I owed'
This is not a friend.. and therefore little loss if she doesn't take it well.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2025 16:30

Don’t lend her anything. She won’t ever give it back to you. She thinks she entitled to a slice of what she sees as your “good fortune”.

Im sorry to hear what happened to you, it sounds awful.

This friend does not sound like a good friend, I wouldn’t mourn her loss as a friend too much.

If you struggle with just saying a plain “no” then I think telling her it’s all gone is perfectly fine.

Lotsofsnacks · 29/12/2025 16:31

Op, read back your first post, you said when you were low, she did not offer u financial help or emotional support (she did not want to speak about your work troubles); she’s no friend, sorry. Do not lend her any money, you need this; put it away as a safety net for a rainy day. Did u tell her u got a £18k payout?

Clutterbug2026 · 29/12/2025 16:32

Tell her most of it has gone on paying off your debts and you’ve invested the small amount left and can’t access it.

GAJLY · 29/12/2025 16:32

Just say no. Why would you help someone who didn’t help you?! You literally owe her nothing.

TheOneWithTheGoat · 29/12/2025 16:32

No - you’ve paid your parents back and you’ve spent the rest over paying your mortage/paid a years rent upfront to ease the stress of your disability incase you don’t get on with the new job so you don’t have it to give.

DaisyDazee · 29/12/2025 16:33

Just explain that you have no free money it is all committed, you can always hint about still paying off your own debts.

Laura95167 · 29/12/2025 16:34

No.

No is a full sentance. But if you feel you cant be that direct.

Im sorry, No I cant afford to i repay my own debts whilst ive been off work.

Or whatever lie makes you feel comfy

GreyBeeplus3 · 29/12/2025 16:34

She's no 'friend'
She's done those 'long car trips' and 'little jobs' expecting that one day she'd get something in return for being a 'friend' and that something is the sum of £5000
Even you've acknowledged that she's bad with money and has no serious outgoings so you know you'll not get a penny back citing your 'friendship' as been more important than mere money
Tell her no and say you borrowed much, much more than anticipated from your parents and they want their money back.So she will just have to suck her own debt up like the rest of us do
I would even say she may have been your 'friend' because you've described yourself as disabled and it made her look good
I hate to say that, but I've a disabled relation and people love to patronise what they see as an underdog. Believe me
Also Good Luck in your new job my Love!
Go get that Happiness!!

JustAboutHangingInThere · 29/12/2025 16:34

“ no, that’s not something I can help with.”

No sorry, no explanation, clear and final. If she’s a friend she will accept this. Beyond entitled and completely unacceptable of her to ask.

Be strong OP xx