To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

[OhMyLantern]

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

That's confusing, given that you were and she didn't.

I'm sorry you've been through such as awful time. Having been in a similar situation I can understand how 18K doesn't feel like a win. Regardless of how your friend got into debt it's perfectly fair to say no: it's a lot of money and I imagine that after your last experience at work you'd want to have something to fall back on.

I'm just wondering about your friend's debt. Was it truly carelessness do you think? Or is their some kind of compulsive spending going on? Either way, she may well be better served by debt counselling &/or other help than she would be by 5K. Martin Lewis of Money Saving Expert also has a Money and Mental Health site which may be a good place to start.

She can contact a debt charity, step change i think its called. If she borrowed from you, you will never see it again, friendship ruined.

No, don't give her £5,000, you won't get it back and you need it for you. You're not selfish - and not a millionaire.

I'd be prepared to give her £500 but that again is entirely up to you. If she is debt she can pay off some stuff with £500 and would probably be very glad of it but you are under no obligation. You have to put yourself first.

It's a pity she knows you've received this compensation but, realistically, it's not a fortune and you've paid your parents back which leaves £13,000. You need that money and deserve it.

Good luck with your new job, I hope 2026 will be a better one for you.

I am sorry but I can’t.

If you lend her the money it will be the end of the friendship.

A definite no.... She is struggling, not being able to pay her debts, and wants to get further in debt , asking to borrow from you. You have no chance of seeing your money again, if you go ahead with this. If she is truely a good friend she will understand if you decline, if it causes issues, she isn't the friend you thought she was...

No absolutely not. Don't give her any money.
She clearly has her own selfish spending agenda with no thought about her future.
There is no way that she would pay you back.
She is not your friend just a chancer.

Either way (upset or not!) don’t do it. We lent money to a young, single-mum, neighbour. We were only ever on ‘hi and bye’ and cooing over her baby, terms.

The time she came to borrow money (for rent) - I told my husband ok - but don’t be getting upset when it doesn’t come back. We advanced the ‘loan’. There was a long period of meeting in the street or her knocking on the door saying ‘I haven’t forgotten’.

Eventually she moved away. I have seen her once or twice in town, with nice nails and hair etc.

Imagine that happening with a friend? Help her to get help (Citizens Advice etc), invite her meals, but don’t lend money, if you value the friendship.

I wouldn't even give her a small amount, simply because of how she'd see it. Just because you were awarded £18k doesn't mean that 500 quid is silly money but having asked you for £5k, she'll see it as an insult and probably be quite nasty to you about it. You'll be 500 worse off and had the pleasure of her sharing a nasty opinion of you. Weirdly, you'll be better off just saying no to the 5k and offering the debt management help.

Please don't feel guilty. She doesn't sound like a good friend. I would personally say no to the loan and try to distance myself from the friendship.

I read half of that...you re so upset because you feel irresistible pressure to make the bank transfer to her, right?
Just stop! 😐
Block her number for 6 months. Or for ever. Focus on you. Only you...just that and nothing else for the next year.

Why do you consider her a friend? She doesn't sound like a friend to me

Certainly not, you'll never see it again.

The answer is no you don't need to give an explanation just no I can't help at this time.

I feel if she was renting and asked for the money, it would be a bit different, but because she is living with a parent she's clearly having a lend of you. You won't get the money back, and she will likely still buy luxury items with it, flaunt this in front of you, and make you feel even worse....just say no!

I'm sorry you've asked for roughly 1/3rd of my settlement and actually half of what I have left after repaying my own parents. Do not give her a penny.

Please don’t give her this money because not only will you never see that money again but you probably won’t see her again.She’ll be too busy spending it and then won’t be able to face you.
If you need to make up an excuse(which you shouldn’t) say you’ve repaid your parents plus extra and have put most into a trust fund or ISA etc.Do not give out any more details please as she’s obviously not a good friend xx

Too nice, and bad advice.
Why give her 10% of £5k? She doesn't deserve a penny.
Next week she'll ask for £45k, hoping OP gives her ten per cent of that, £4,500....

As ever, the Bard got it spot on:
Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend; And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry [economy].

This friend is not a true friend. She is thinking of her own debts and hears of your payout and just being a chancer hoping you will fall for her sob story. You have seen through it anyway. Mentioning suicide is a horrible manipulation (if it was done this way). You are right to be annoyed and to see through this friend. I would consider her a loose friend not a close true friend.
NB £18k is not a large payout its a small payout considering what you have been through. Keep your boundaries in place. Please do signpost your friend to professional support services kindly. - CAB can help with debt management and improving her life skills. Samaritans and GP can support with suicidal thoughts.
Best of luck to you in new job x

What has happened to this thread that there is a stream of people answering as if she asked to borrow money? She didn't. She asked to be GIVEN the money, as the OP made plain.

And as for suggesting a gift of part of the OP's money, what on earth are people thinking? Has the OP not been through enough?

A true friend wouldn’t ask this, it shows such a lack of consideration for your needs & what you’ve been through.
You may need this money as back up if your mental health or disability require time off work in the future.
The money you have leftover once you start earning again could give you some precious security, peace of mind in a savings account.
Also, as a pp said - after covering your costs and paying back parents- you’d basically be giving her a huge proportion of the compensation - she’d be being compensated for all her luxury spending, instead of you for a terrible experience. It’s really unbelievable she’s asked you to do this - I’m not sure I’d be able to stay friends with her.
It’s extra disrespectful as you know she would not do the same for you.
You don’t need to give her an explanation but if you don’t feel comfortable just saying no, then say it’s gone on covering your costs, debt and “other financial ties/ commitments/arrangements” or something vague. However, you really do not need to justify or explain to someone this thoughtless why you don’t want to give them what is in effect the majority of the remainder of this compensation.

You can’t afford it so say no. End of.

No way!
Would she have asked you if she didn’t know about your 18k settlement 🤔

You did need it op, and the difference between the situation you were in and the one she’s in is she’s caused her problems and she’s comfortably living at her parents. She wasn’t there for you. ‘What do you mean if I were in the same situation you’d do this for me?? I was and you were nowhere to be found!! I’m still paying my parents back for what they lent me, you are unbelievable.’ That’s your reply.

If she earns £2000 a month she should be able to save that in 3 months. I’d direct her to citizens advice or a debt support company