To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

[OhMyLantern]

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

If you can’t just say no, tell her the money has all gone on paying back your own debts. Stop sharing information with her about your finances. And since she’s been such a poor friend during your time if distress, rethink whether you need her in your life as “best” friend rather than a more casual acquaintance.

The friend obviously has not the slightest idea, of how you have felt, or, what you’ve endured: otherwise, she would never have asked for £££ from you.
Also you now have to go through telling her she mayn’t have any of your money………. (what would she have done if you hadn’t had the payout!?).

I wonder if it would be better to put your refusal in actual writing, probably not even an email? Then she won’t be able to argue? Good luck, thinking of you.

She's one of those people who sees this as 'free money' and she feels she has some kind of right to a share of it.

It isn't and she hasn't.

I'd try to leave it until she asks again, as she will, and then just say 'no'.

Absolutely awful idea to lend her money, you know you would never see it again. Say you have invested it or your parents have invested it for you, you owe her no explanation.

Please say no. She's also not much of a friend. I hope you find the strength to recognise that. I'm sorry you've been through all this.

She thinks you owe her for all the 'little house jobs' she has done for you.

She does not sound like much of a friend tbh. She's seen an opportunity for some free cash and she's not caring at all about the impact on you.

You need to say no. You need to accept this may end the friendship. And that's ok. As someone who would stop being your friend for saying No, is not a friend at all.

No, say you have invested it and can't access it. Did you tell her you got that money? Would seem a strange (possibly insensitive) thing to do with someone in debt, even if self inflicted.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

Remind yourself of this ^^ every time she asks. You don't owe her anything. Don't be guilt tripped in to giving her money. Next time she asks you need to tell her to stop asking because the answer will always be no. Why did you tell her about the settlement?

I would probably choose to be visibly angry with her. Because frankly, I'd want her to piss off and never bother me again.

"Seriously? My God is this an asymmetrical friendship or what!?! When I was out of work and having to borrow from my parents just to keep a roof over my head and food on my plate, where the fuck were you? Nowhere! You didn't want to know. And I WAS suicidal! Is that why you're trying to guilt-trip me claiming you are suicidal over your ridiculous debt that you've built up by buying ridiculous things? You live with your parents, you have no worries about being homeless and hungry, do you? DO YOU? You've got a fuck-ton of disposable income - which you have pissed up the wall - so your spending must be completely stupid. Get out of my fucking sight! How dare you try to lay this shit on me? How Dare You!

Visibly angry. Expletive-laden. Uncompromising. That's how I would go.

Be honest and say as you never want to be in the situation of worrying about having no money to hand again you're going to save every penny and you can't really afford to give away 5k.

You don’t have the money to give her. Simply say that. Allude to paying parents back. Leave it at that.

'I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me'
Use it in any situation and just keep repeating it till they get the message loud and clear.....

Suffice to say - she may have been your friend in the dim and distant past, but she absented herself when you were going through hard times. Nobody needs a fair-weather 'friend'.

No way.. tell her you owe your parents a further £Xk for rent or whatever, that you need £2k- £3k to cover until first month salary and that you need a new car/holiday/ something therefore you dont have anything left to lend out

Then send her link to a debt advice charity

The fact that your parents had to lend you 5k means you probably had no savings. You need all of this money as your savings pot. Which is actually only 13k after you paid your parents back. You dont even know how your new job will work out. Quite simply, you cannot afford to support your friend at this time. Once you have gotten back on your feet, in a year or so, you MAY be able to help by giving something you can afford to lose. You cannot afford this right now.

Do you that she believes she's entitled to a portion of your settlement money because she's your close friend?

Inform her that the money is now your life savings and cannot be touched.

Tell her to seek help with a debt counsellor.

She is not a friend OP.
I had a ''friend' ask to borrow money from me (£3k) for a new car as she knew i had £5k in savings. She only asked me as she didnt want to pay interest on a loan ffs but was happy for me to lose interest on my savings to benefit her!
We are no longer in contact

No one is going to kill themselves over a £5k debt - it’s not even a lot.

all she needs to do is move it all onto an interest free card and on a £2k a month salary it could be paid off in a year easy.

She's a cheeky cow! She probably doesn't have much debt but sees you with your payout and thinks she deserves some of it. I'd tell her you've paid your parents back and put the rest in a private pension.

I also think she knows you have low self esteem and is relying on you being unable to say no to her.

I don't have the exact figure but she's asking you to GIVE her around 30% of your money.

Cheeky cow.

You say 'no, sorry. I need all the money to cover my expenses and debts before I start my new job'
And if she carries on then you end the friendship because she's a twat.

“I don’t have £5000 to lend, after I have paid back my parents and put some aside to cover bills until I start earning from my new job, the small amount left over has already been locked into savings as a future safety net”
Don’t apologise for not giving it, you shouldn’t risk your own future financial security for anyone, if you were financially well off that it would be slightly different but as you’ve said you were literally down to nothing, you can’t afford to give any away.

I think she is a user and you will never see that money again. I agree with PP, tell her you owe it to your Mum and Dad or it is to cover a bank loan you had. If you give it to her it will be gone and if you don't give a definite reason why she can't borrow it she will ask again.

What makes her your "friend"?

Just say no, fucking hell. You need the money to pay your bills.

Also she isn't really your friend. Friends don't behave like this.