AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

That's crazy.

A single parent with 3 kids can have the same income as 2 FT working parents with 2 kids.

I have a struggling sibling and I have never begrudged any extra help my parents have given them. If there were children involved, my own nieces or nephews I would encourage my parents even more. This is what family is about. For too long we have relied on the government to even things out for us but they can’t or won’t anymore, that’s pretty clear. Your children are so lucky that you are in a position to help out and they should all take comfort from that. The more financially successful ones should be proud that they don’t need that extra help but also happy that it is there for your DGC and DD, who benefit greatly from it. As long as the one who is less fortunate works hard and doesn’t take the piss, YANBU.

So let her daughter struggle because the others have partners and different circumstances. Oh what a good idea that is. Mean while back in the real world it's tough and if I was OP I would be pointing this out. Life is unfair sometimes but if it means OPs grandchild has new pair of shoes and a warm house so be it.

hard one - I can see why you do it but can't say I think it's right in that even if they aren't together it should be the other parent that pays for those things and cares for their child rather than the state/grandparents or anyone else, although that's a wider societal issue.

I can't see how anyone would begrudge you ensuring your grandchild a warm house and clothing. 'Activities and holidays' is where it gets a bit more complex.

Out of interest, if you aren't in a position to equal the money spent on your other DC and GDC, what would you do if they split up with their partners/lost their jobs or whatever and ended up needing financial assistance? Would you try and share your spare income equally even if it meant the DC currently benefitting got less, or give up on her completely with the rationale she had had enough support so it was the other DC's turn?

Overall I think the main difference between your scenario and the other thread was that your child is doing the best she can to support herself but due to her career, being a single mother etc her earning potential is limited, whereas in the other OP their sibling and husband could quite easily earn more money but chose not to.

Do all these posters keep a running spreadsheet of how much you spend on each child and grandchild to ensure it’s fair and equal?!

i prefer to give my children what they need when they need it!

my son doesn’t get “extra money” because my daughter needs sanitary products and bras!

but he had expensive additional tuition for his GCSE’s which she is unlikely to need.

presumably the OP’s daughter didn’t choose to be a single abandoned parent! … sometimes circumstances dictate that others need more support.
has @VIOLETPUGH pointed out to her other children how lucky they are to have a partner? To share life and finances.

(and given them a slap for being a selfish green eyed monster! … it’s not a very endearing quality!)
similarly, are you sure the others aren’t “in need” or perceive themselves to be, where they might just need some support, or a night out with a babysitter?

In the real world, parents would split what available money they have between all the kids for a start

and it's beyond shoes and heating isn't it? It's about holidays, days out (that's what the OP wrote). Or if you only have a tiny bit of extra cash, yes you pay for the kids shoes, but you give childcare to the other family. It's not difficult.

Would parents in the real world pay for one child's holidays but not the other? Some obviously do, many of us do not. It's possible to have children without having favourites.

I think it’s understandable that you are doing more for the child who is a single parent. Also, your DH may play an important role as a father figure for that grandchild.

It’s fine to talk about equity vs equality in society generally, but it doesn’t really apply in a straightforward way in a family. With children, the giving of time and money is associated with love and for that reason alone it can be really complicated.

I think you are being unreasonable. Surely your daughter can claim the benefits she needs? Plus child maintenance from the child’s father.

You know it’s causing resentment but you’re not going to change - because you favour this child perhaps?

That's what you would do you mean. Many here have said they would help the adult that needed it the most. I do agree though that it would need to be a situation where my DD was helping herself as well and not just wasting money on crap ect.

Not unreasonable in the slightest. Your other children have more support and you have stated that you spend equal time with all children. If one of the others is jealous of their sibling then thats on them. You said your daughter works hard so I understand why you’d be happy to help. All the folk saying how hard they had it and how resentful they are over what they deem unfair treatment need to grow up. Just because it was hard for you doesn’t mean it should be hard for everyone else.

She doesn't spend equal time with the kids.

In the OP she says

We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others.

op says she spends more time with this grandchild as the others have multiple
grandparents.

I’m not fussed personally that my mil
spends more time with the other grandchildren.

My children, her grandchildren take it very personally and it has completely ruined their relationship with her as they see it as she’s not fussed about them unlike that child so why should we care about her.

Thats the bigger issue than the money for me.

Agree with this - it's been a real eye-opener for me to realise how many people equate money with love and being the favourite!

not specially ME, I can see how how my friends (or friends parents), my boss even, how people around me split things up.

Not everyone reward the one who does the least. In fairness, I have also seen the opposite, where the child - or children - who are the most hard working and successful get the more help (rarely, but it does happen).

The only situation I have seen when all the financial resources go to ONE child was when life-saving medical treatment was involved, which is understandable.

But people around me see parents splitting things up more or less equally, which sounds the fairest way to do things?

No of course I don’t sit and compare what I spent on basic hygiene items for my minor children or start working out how much I spent on orthodontics for one versus tuition for another. They are my dependents and I do the best I can for each of them according to what they need at the time. They are children.

That’s a wildly different scenario to giving substantial amounts of cash to adults who have made their own life choices.

I do try and be roughly equal though even as kids - I wouldn’t pay for one to have a pony if it meant the other couldn’t have swimming lessons. I wouldn’t send one to private school unless I could afford it for the second one too. I wouldn’t make one teen get a part time job to fund their school trip and just write a cheque for the other.

Have you thought about what support she will have when you're gone? Her siblings are likely to feel resentful.

You deny that by saying there is no resentment in one breath and a little jealous in the other.

I suspect there is resentment, one is just better at hiding it than the other (who is probably also more upset than even they've let on).

And the resentment will be toward you both but your DC will bear the brunt of it when they avoid her when they don't have to show a pretence to you any longer.

Suspect they don't independently choose to mix socially either and you've chosen not to notice that.

I think you're missing the point - sometimes what happens in life as an adult, for many is not a choice!

I would certainly help out my children when they become adults if they fell on hard times and I can afford it. I hope I've raised my children to not to be resentful if this happens.

I think you are a kind grandparent and a wonderful mother to support your third daughter like this and you clearly have a good relationship with her siblings given you can talk openly and honestly about this. Lovely to hear about a lovely human being and I think to those commenting about inheritance and splitting things equally it’s worth remembering love isn’t limited. It’s not about the money.

No you aren't in my view at all

I can understand why one of your children is a little jealous. It’s really difficult to understand finances and life styles; do you literally know your 3 daughter never goes out ? How does that compare to your other children ? Maybe the other child feels she’s slogging away, taken risks, in a job she’s not happy in that pays well…I don’t know but there’s a reason for the jealousy.

Thank you for all the different perspectives. As expected some understand my reasons and some dont, and thats what makes us all different. On a parting note, all my children have a good relationship, with us and my grandchildren all have our time and are very close to us. Just one needs us more than the others, and therefore we will continue as we are. 😘.

Also curious what you would do if one of the other children's circumstances changed for the worse. Stop helping the current single parent so you could help them? Try and share out the help?

No judgement here... I don't think it would be in me not to help if I could. Even if that help was different depending on the different needs.

My children, her grandchildren take it very personally and it has completely ruined their relationship with her as they see it as she’s not fussed about them unlike that child so why should we care about her.

My paternal grandmother was like your MIL, and I felt the way you describe above. Tbh she didn't really hide her preference. She died years ago now. I was an adult. When I was told, I felt nothing. I thought the emotion would come later: she was my grandmother, surely I would feel something? Not yet. My cousins were inconsolable. I feel for them - for what and who they lost. But I didn't lose anything - because I never had a relationship with her in the first place.

What you need to do is take no notice of the busybodies on here and do as you're doing..I've helped out my eldest daughter more than my 2nd eldest as she needed it at the time..financially..I have both my grandkids equally though from both daughters..and I will be looking after 2nd eldests full time in the new year..eldest is absolutely fine with this ..I would not see any of my girls go without if needed ..