AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

OK, daughter is relying on top ups. How is daughter going to provide the same financial support to her child? If she doesn't it is hypocritical.

days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have.

literally in the first post, she IS funding her daughter's lifestyle.

No it's not. Surely you understand that the OPs daughter is struggling financially? Despite having a job. There are millions of people who are in in work poverty.

I've been in in work poverty more than once in my life despite being in work. There are people in jobs who use food banks. That's the reality of living in the UK in 2025 where food costs a lot. Travel as well. Fuel bills

Lots of people are barely coping - particularly if they are in private rented accommodation where their rent is high

I pay 355 pounds a month for my flat - I know people elsewhere in the UK who rent from a private landlord and pay over 1k in rent

I'm not sure a lifestyle is helping your grandchild have a better life. The OP seems happy to do it. It's her money and she's made that choice

Treat others how you want to be treated. It seems to be one way street for many now.

Aside from that you have a great rent. Wherever this is in the UK, the adult daughter needs to move there.

I live in the West of Scotland and there are 14000 people on the waiting list for a tenancy in my home town but even private rented accommodation is cheaper here

I do treat people how I want to be treated. I gave my mum 2k when I had more money a few years ago and I do as much for her as I possibly can. Always have

I think this additional help works best when there's a goal set ie to give them the opportunity to retrain with a view to improving their earnings. Otherwise, in time, it will just be expected and that's where the resentment will creep in, quite aside from the dawning realisation that you're being taken advantage of and can't back out. She's clearly living quite frugally now but it's still a new situation for her. 5 years down the line you might not feel quite so comfortable especially if her economic situation remains the same.

I think it totally makes sense. I think naturally you will help more as you want to help your daughter and level the playing field. Even if she gets benefits etc its flipping hard paying for everything out of one person's income. Utilities etc aren't half as there is only one adult
I dont think a lot of couples prob realise how hard being a single parent is. Every thing's on you. Every single house job is for you..plus childcare/support etc and I bet said daughter helps you more as well?

Good to hear. That comment wasn't aimed at you.

I'm sorry you've been through such a difficult time. It seems to me that your Mum helps you and your brother (which is what I'd do too)

Thank you. Ironically the reason that I'm better off just now is that I got disability benefits after quite a hard fight only until my leg heals properly (to next year) and then I'll hopefully be able to look and find work again. I've just graduated too. Was lucky enough to get a funded degree as I'm in Scotland and poor and did it part time and got my fees paid for me

I absolutely appreciate everything my mum has done for me - because my dad did the absolute bare minimum. I've not seen him since I was 3. Not a birthday present or Christmas present ever - so I really do appreciate my mum and the sacrifices she made for me and my brother - because she's not had it easy

I gave my mum 2k back a few years ago when I had money from a flat sale. I owned my council flat and it had to be demolished. It wasn't worth much and I bought it for peanuts but when it was sold I got the market value for it - also peanuts but I made sure I gave her something back - was the least I could do at that point.

My brothers dad is even worse than mine. Emigrated to Oz and hasn't paid a penny for him his entire life - so I really do appreciate her as she's not had it easy

Thank you x

There's no worries x

I'm not in your position, though I'd probably do as you are doing if I was.

I actively encourage my parents to support my sister to buy a house. Our situations are different because mi husband is a high earner and she/ her partner both have good but not high paying jobs. We own our house… of course I want the best for her! I can’t imagine resenting a sibling who needs more.

As a parent, I just don't think you can see your child/grandchild suffer when you are able to help them, whatever your other children may feel about it. Isn't it reassuring to know that if you were in dire straits, your parents would help if they could?

My DPs supported my horrible DB throughout his sorry life, financially and practically, and also emotionally - loving him was so painful and exhausting for them, there was little emotion left over for me and my other sibling. We hated my DB for being such an arsehole - still do - but we totally understood why they did it and we never resented them one bit. They were loving parents and they did what they had to do in their lifetimes to deal with the hurt he inflicted. In the end they left us quite a bit more capital than to that idiot, which was nice of them.

I'm now in the position where, due to a chronic health condition, one of my DC requires regular financial support. I'm completely open with my other two DC about this and they agree with it - indeed one of them also supports her. I've made it clear how much support is from the capital my DPs left me, and I've handed over an equal amount to each of them, and how much is from my income - as and when it's needed, no tabs kept. When I die they will inherit equally. It's not their right to do so mind, it's what I choose to do with with my own money...

Sending lots of hugs and love ❤️ I'm glad you persevered in telling me your story. 🥰

I actively encouraged my parents to help my sibling buy their first home when I had no such help myself. I think it all depends on how the children perceive it. In your circumstances I would fully expect my parents to support my single parent sibling.

My sister has been unwell and my parents give her financial support every month . I think that is absolutely great - I know they love me just as much - it is just my sister needs the extra support at the moment.

I don't think it will last, even if they are superficially tolerating it now - or even genuinely feeling okay about it now. You are creating a very unequal basis for any relationship. It is likely to blow up in the future. Good Luck!

What a minefield!
I think you are being unreasonable in giving more - money, grandchild time, to one of yours.
Because the others or one of them in your case, feel they are less loved/ cared for than another sibling who perhaps has not been as careful as they have. It's not fair!

What your children say to you, and how they actually feel could be miles apart! Most of us are too polite to make an issue of things, but are quietly noting the discrepancies. I would aim to level the playing field op. If you don't do that, and things become really difficult later on, then you only have yourself to blame.

The OP has made it very clear that she does a lot for all the grandkids and she's helping her daughter out because the others are financially stable. I am astonished that she's getting flack for making her own decision

Why does she need to level the playing field. She has no reason to have to support her other two kids who are married to people who have good jobs and have good jobs themselves

Is she expected to bankrupt herself just so one of her kids isn't upset?

She's to stop supporting her daughter who needs it just because she's not supporting the other two who don't need the money? What a take

Fair doesn't mean equal- my sister needs a lot more support than I do. My parents help her with money, household jobs, childcare, and many of the day to day logistics of life. Sometimes it hurts that they have less time to spend with me and my children because they are so heavily invested in supporting her, but it's not a matter of love, it's a case of meeting needs- hers always have, and likely always will be, greater than mine. I wouldn't trade places with her and don't grudge her the help she needs to survive. Your third daughter is lucky you have the time and resources to help, and the other two are luckier still to be able to stand on their own two feet.

Why don't we get upset at the cost of childcare or the fact that some employers pay awful shit wages?

I worked in a homeless unit 25 years ago and when I went for a part time job with them and they said to me at interview you know it's min wage and you'll be getting 5.45 an hour - and what's changed years later? - very little

It's really depressing tbh