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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

367 replies

VIOLETPUGH · 29/12/2025 12:01

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

OP posts:
Salyexley · 29/12/2025 20:17

I'm 47 my sister is 35, we both get treated the same, end of.

m00rfarm · 29/12/2025 20:19

Your other children may like to stop their well paid work and do something less stressful. As long as you are happy to fund their lifestyles as well, then I don't see it as a problem ...

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 20:20

I would have gone under more than once if not for my mum. My brother was working full time and living with a partner who was also working and got less however when I was working full time and he was at uni I helped him out

And my mum gave him a decent sum of money towards a car when he passed his driving test. He doesn't resent me - he knows how tough things were for me at that point in time

oldshprite · 29/12/2025 20:21

i doubt time spent with grandchildren will cause resentment. due to similar reasons, my grandparents never maintained a relationship with me, and i never cared for it, or for them for that matter

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 20:21

VIOLETPUGH · 29/12/2025 19:56

Thank you for all the different perspectives. As expected some understand my reasons and some dont, and thats what makes us all different. On a parting note, all my children have a good relationship, with us and my grandchildren all have our time and are very close to us. Just one needs us more than the others, and therefore we will continue as we are. 😘.

not sure why you started a thread if you are convinced you are right and not intending to change anything. 😂 You don't have to do anything but why start a thread.

There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings
as people already said, maybe not as little as you try to convince yourself, if you start a thread about it.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 29/12/2025 20:22

Yabu.

Bluedenimdoglover · 29/12/2025 20:28

You are giving the help where it's most needed. I'm glad one of your children understands this. You need to sit down with the other and explain.
A lot depends on the personality of the other child. If that person is innately jealous of others, there is nothing much you could say to change their feelings.

ForJollyLemonZebra · 29/12/2025 20:28

The father has to pay child maintenance.. this needs to be claimed..regardless whether he wants contact or not

ForJollyLemonZebra · 29/12/2025 20:28

The father has to pay child maintenance.. this needs to be claimed..regardless whether he wants contact or not

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 20:30

ForJollyLemonZebra · 29/12/2025 20:28

The father has to pay child maintenance.. this needs to be claimed..regardless whether he wants contact or not

It might surprise you how little some fathers get away with paying.

BettysRoasties · 29/12/2025 20:30

shhblackbag · 29/12/2025 20:04

My children, her grandchildren take it very personally and it has completely ruined their relationship with her as they see it as she’s not fussed about them unlike that child so why should we care about her.

My paternal grandmother was like your MIL, and I felt the way you describe above. Tbh she didn't really hide her preference. She died years ago now. I was an adult. When I was told, I felt nothing. I thought the emotion would come later: she was my grandmother, surely I would feel something? Not yet. My cousins were inconsolable. I feel for them - for what and who they lost. But I didn't lose anything - because I never had a relationship with her in the first place.

I guess you’d already grieved the relationship you didn’t have so there was nothing left when she died.

I can see that being the same here. It’s sad but it’s her loss.

ForJollyLemonZebra · 29/12/2025 20:37

I can imagine .. but so wrong

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 20:38

Bluedenimdoglover · 29/12/2025 20:28

You are giving the help where it's most needed. I'm glad one of your children understands this. You need to sit down with the other and explain.
A lot depends on the personality of the other child. If that person is innately jealous of others, there is nothing much you could say to change their feelings.

This

SchrodingersKoala · 29/12/2025 21:00

You shouldn't be helping 1 unless you can offer the same to all your children. How have 2 children ended up in good jobs and 1 is left behind? I assume they had the same opportunities so responsibility needs to be on them to earn more, why didn't they do as well and end up in a low paid job?

Your other children might earn much more but it will come at a cost in terms of stress, responsibilities, time away from their children, childcare costs etc, that you just don't have in low paid jobs with your parents on hand to help, how is it fair they can have the low stress job and never worry about the bills?

I'd only help to fund training for them to better themselves, they'll never stand on their own 2 feet if you fund them forevermore and it will drive a wedge between siblings when you no doubt leave them more in your will as "they need it more".

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 21:56

SchrodingersKoala · 29/12/2025 21:00

You shouldn't be helping 1 unless you can offer the same to all your children. How have 2 children ended up in good jobs and 1 is left behind? I assume they had the same opportunities so responsibility needs to be on them to earn more, why didn't they do as well and end up in a low paid job?

Your other children might earn much more but it will come at a cost in terms of stress, responsibilities, time away from their children, childcare costs etc, that you just don't have in low paid jobs with your parents on hand to help, how is it fair they can have the low stress job and never worry about the bills?

I'd only help to fund training for them to better themselves, they'll never stand on their own 2 feet if you fund them forevermore and it will drive a wedge between siblings when you no doubt leave them more in your will as "they need it more".

That's uncalled for and none of your business

Mummyof2andthatsenough · 29/12/2025 22:00

VIOLETPUGH · 29/12/2025 12:01

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

My mum helps both me and my brother in different ways. She doesn't discuss it with the other sibling and we don't ask, it's not his business how I get help and it's not my business how he gets help. My mum is a grown woman who decides what of her money goes where when she can give it. I will say I'm the only one with kids and she does spoil the kids rotten, but I think that's just more of a grandmother thing!

Whatisthisallabout1 · 29/12/2025 22:20

Why post if you won’t take advice. This daughter made poor life choices. But this doesn’t mean she or her child get more resources. You now need to even it out, you may buy new school clothes for her son but in turn you must then give the value in clothes or cash to every other grandchild. This is what my mother, father and mother in law do.

It keeps all siblings equal, we earn less than sister in law, mother in law still pays for school uniform for her daughter and mine.

my sister has 2 kids and is on very low income, my parents take a child each. I still get the value of this for my child. Obviously they don’t need 3 sets of uniform. This does mean I am better off. But every sibling gets the exact same amount.

You need to start counting up what you give in time and financials and make even or deduct from inheritance.

when I have needed car help 3k unexpectedly my mum gave it and then spent time allocating the same amount to my siblings when she could.

my sister had grubby bar stools and my mum replaced, the equivalent sum of was the same as my daughters birthday party so she paid that. It should always be even.

FunCrab · 29/12/2025 22:21

You are always a parent regardless of your children's age.
I am a parent and I recognise these issues.
Your children are individuals and your support is tailored to them.
Your children are not all the same and they need to recognise this. OP said one child is bothered by the level of intervention that one sibling is getting, that is their problem not yours.
As a parent I would do exactly the same.

OneRealWriter · 29/12/2025 23:13

Although I can understand this, and my in-laws do the same, it will most likely damage your relationship with your other children and grandchildren even if it’s not ever mentioned. My husband distances himself from his parents as a result, emotionally but also in terms of how much support he is willing to give them down the line when they are old. Although, he perhaps rationally understands why resources are allocated differently it causes emotional hurt as he feels they have chosen his sibling and their relationship with them and their children over ours. From my perspective I am just a little sad they are less close to our children, not because of the money, but because they invest more time in shared experiences with their other grandchildren holidays/ days out/ childcare (which also makes DH quite angry- no parent wants their child to be the less loved grandchild). If you can’t even things out financially I would definitely even it out time/attention wise. I wouldn’t do shared holidays with one child and not another and I would evenly allocate special grandparent days out like farm trips and grandparent gifts as kids definitely notice (if you have to give your dd money so any gift/
day out/club is perceived as being from her not you). You risks damaging you relationship with your other children/ grandchildren but also sibling/ cousin bonds. My SILs daughter had a festive meltdown that cousins had messed up “her colouring books” at grandmas house. She spends more time there so I get it, but it further isolated her from our children and BILs children. They still mention how grandma and grandpa took niece to Legoland but not them 4 years on…… Similarly DH and BIL are much less close to SIL than they were 10years ago but go above and beyond to see each other and have cousin meet-ups with their own children. We pretty much now only see SIL and niece if it’s a full family event.

Wheretogowhen · 29/12/2025 23:53

I think what you are doing is ok. But I’m not surprised others have disagreed. Try to share out your time more evenly though.

Luckylu123 · 29/12/2025 23:54

This cartoon sums up my opinion on this one. OP I think you’re doing the right thing

AIBU - Adult children and financial help.
AMillionPeopleCheering · 30/12/2025 00:37

You have your favourite child and grand child and you give your time and support to them - so why would you care what your other DC think? I imagine they've had a whole lifetime to get used to this. I can't imagine your behaviour is any surprise to them.

Sootyb · 30/12/2025 01:35

Sorry dont agree with what you are doing

ViciousCurrentBun · 30/12/2025 02:37

Not the only reason but one of the reasons was due to massive financial favouritism shown to one of the sisters that we all cut her off when our Mother died. There is more to the story but the unfairness of that plus other stuff was too much. Our Mother also assumed we all got on.

Justlikestartingover2 · 30/12/2025 15:00

I don’t think you are being unreasonable if your child would struggle without your support. My in-laws gave SIL £250,000 to move to a bigger house. Nothing wrong with the house they previously had - a bedroom for each of their children. DH never said anything but it did hurt. Completely different situation to the one you describe