Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

[Oneisnotamused]

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

I kind of get what you mean about the over familiarity of it and the passions reducing but that's a life thing! Work, kids, grandkids all take our time and energy which gives us less time for our partner. I guess the passion becomes less important when you have a list as long as your arm to do every day and you just need to survive!

DH and I have been together for over 30 years now and yes it's not like it used to be. But some ill health, age etc have definitely impacted our former nights of passion but that doesn't mean it has disappeared completely.

For me, it's important to look back to those early days and remember what it was you used to love about your partner - why did you want to rip off his clothes and also why did he want to rip off yours?! Long term relationships need work in order to work so there is nothing wrong with being aware of this kind of trough that you may end up in from time to time. It's important to then do something to pull yourselves back up to a peak again.

A weekend away, holiday, date night. Reminiscing about younger days and spending time with other people can definitely stir up some passion. Getting glimpses of your partner with other people, for me, reminds me what a lovely guy he is and why I fell in love with him. His jokes and kindness to other people around him. Those little glances he gives me across the room and me to him.

It's never a done deal, marriage or long term relationships - it's always a work in progress, a bit like fitness. You can't go to the gym for 2 years and then never again for 18 months and still expect to do the splits. If there are no issues other than familiarity, life challenges and a bit of melancholy then it's worth the effort, I think.

Actually, I completely understand how you feel. You sort of are shagging your best friend, aren't you?! And I don't know about others, but I've developed an unconditional love which has taken years to achieve and is only matched by the love I felt inately for blood relatives. That's not to say I consider him a brother! Plus the challenges of life - and he's been there in sickness and health, and I trust him absolutely - mean any sort of mystery has long gone. I think perhaps sex therapy? You could google courses on how to relight the spark.

Have you spoken to him about it? Or do you think it’s just gone and do you think it’s gone for him too. One thing that helped me once was watching my partner so things he loved, and watching him interact with other people, I saw him through fresh eyes and it definitely reignited my attraction towards him. But then we’re not together anymore but we split on good terms. Another long relationship, the attraction never faded. I honestly don’t know if you can get it back or not bitt if you’ve spoken to him, maybe it’s worth a try. It all depends I guess on when it started fading, was there a circumstance sounding that, is it one sided? There’s probably a lot to unpack but by the same token… maybe when it’s gone it’s just gone.

Mating in Captivity I think it's called by Esther Perel

This is where I was at with my first marriage after 14 years. He was my best friend but it was like living with a brother! I thought my sex life was over. I was wrong. Second marriage much better - 20 years later and still hot for each other!

I think shagging your best friend is the goal for a happy relationship and something everyone should aspire to.

But some of you are (maybe deliberately) missing the point that for a lot of people shagging the same person for 40 years isn’t enough. It clearly works for some people but if it was a foregone conclusion that everyone did it we would have far fewer affairs.

I think its reasonable to point out that there is often a tension between passion and familiarity in sex and that not everyone can come to terms with this. The question for some people is how you square the circle when you remain deeply committed to and in love with someone but no longer desire them sexually. Its very common.

Some people are content to let sex take a back seat, others are not. Difference in libido and fading attraction kills marriages.

But some of you are (maybe deliberately) missing the point that for a lot of people shagging the same person for 40 years isn’t enough

Yes this. People are deliberately missing the point that she doesn't find him desirable anymore and that's the crux of the issue.

Couldn't agree more. I love my partner, he's good for me, he's my best friend, but - honestly - sexually the early days were WAY more fun. I can't comprehend the notion of only having had sex with one man who I met at 15. I needed my 20s (and 30s) to sleep around.

Decades into my marriage and sex is better than ever - good sex is all about good communication imho - maybe you haven't been working on that enough - it takes time - you need to build trust and then you're able to open up and spell out what you want or like or want to explore (or what you think you want) but I suppose you need a partner you can fully trust before you fully open up. I reckon your best chance of good and improving sex, on a regular basis, is with your partner - I guess one off sex with random strangers or acquaintances in the moment could be great (but nothing I've ever felt I wanted) but I reckon the chances are lowish - and whether you'll feel great about it and yourself all the time is way up in the air I think - work on getting it right with your partner - open up, change things up a bit - and you know you can go back for more of the same or even something better or a little different - your tastes will change over time so you need to keep communicating - what you wanted 10 years ago might well not be what you want now or in ten years time - so you have to keep talking about it imho. My partner knows exactly what I like and don't like and that varies and they'll go where I want to go - the idea of having to start from scratch with someone else.. with the time and effort involved to get it the way I want - I just don't think I'd be interested in making the effort TBH. Sex is a great thing but it's only part of what makes being in a relationship great - maybe if you're thinking too much about the sex it's because you haven't got the other parts that matter... which might account for why the sex is bothering you so much. On a positive note - both are fixable if you both really want to be in this relationship - nothing has to be perfect either.

Or... you can prioritise other things in a relationship because it's great in many ways and know that you can't shag around forever. And you don't want an affair. But still don't necessarily think the best sex ever is with your partner!

*but you still try to reignite the spark

25 yrs together and never felt this🤷‍♂️

The older I get, sex is less important. What is the most precious thing to me is a DP where we are both mutually feeling the same and the most precious thing of all to my is the happy family life we have.

We are all different and not all relationships are the same. If you think those older dear couples married for 60/70/80 years spent their years in a textbook married and sex every night while raising families, I think it would be an eye opener.to see what went on behind closed doors all those years.

Plus don't forget as one mumsnetter said once.... Mumsnet the place where we have 99% of the top earners that are less than 5% population. This place often doesn't reflect reality...if you're both happy that's all that matters. Plus nothing ever stays the same.

I loved and made love with my husband until he died, after 25 years. No, he wasn’t like my brother 😳😳

I’m also really grateful that I didn’t get married young.

I’m happy with my partner and our sex life is fine and in my mid 50s I wouldn’t have the energy to go looking for an alternative anyway.

Having sex with lots of people is not all that great in my opinion, it can leave you feeling hollow and disconnected. I wouldn’t want to swap my bloke out just for the sake of variety.

But if I had met him at 19 and only slept with him I would feel I had settled far too soon. You need to understand what you want sexually and shagging one person your whole life won’t give you that.

Odd post. I’ve been with DH for 38 years. He is my best friend but he’s also super hot! He’s the only one I’ve ever slept with and it’s great.

how is that a reasonable reply? That’s not helpful and frankly, it’s not normal either, get a grip!

Can I ask what’s odd about someone saying the attraction in their marriage has dwindled to the point that sex doesn’t feel the way it should anymore? What’s so ‘odd’ about that? Not everyone is you.

Totally fair. I didn't feel disconnected or hollow, especially, but I did need to find what I wanted (and wouldn't go back out dating now!). Glad you're happy!

are you new on MN?

For many posters, it's more than "normal" @😂

as if freely farting and enjoying the closeness of farting together.

How can you missed the many (many ) threads where posters fall over themselves to explain that being in a relationship can only mean not making any effort, wearing pjs at home and not being "precious" about your bowel activity.

Some people are grim on here

Maybe insinuating that being together for a long time becomes akin to be related? That's pretty odd.

But that’s not odd. You can start to feel like part of the same family in a way that kills attraction

I completely agree with this. It was what happened in my last relationship. We’d been together for 15 years and towards the end the idea of sex with him made me feel as sick as the idea of having sex with my brother. This is what the OP means - I totally get her. Ultimately, we broke up and sex with my new partner has been 🔥 (we even have a newborn and I cannot wait for our sex life to re-start: with my previous partner I felt completely dead sexually, to the extent I didn’t think my body was capable of desire. A really grim place to be).

No, it's odd.

It's not odd to change and not being attracted by your partner anymore, but it's not normal to imagine all long-term close relationships means people feel like " a sibling".

If you are not attracted anymore, move on. It's 2026 (nearly), no need for staying in a relationship that's dead. Life's too short to be unhappy

eh? I think probably this is the result of marrying the wrong person.

Are we still supposed to be having sex?!?! I didn't realise!