Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

[Oneisnotamused]

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

Christ on a bike thats quite sad.
40 years together and I still adore shagging him. Very healthy sex life and libido is just fiiiiiine thanks.
Baffles me that people think thats not possible.

You're obviously only posting this for a reaction. Grow up

Is it a "fact" for everyone though? I mean DH and I aren't leaping on each other then second we see each other anymore, but equally we didn't used to live together. Relationships change, desire changes but it doesn't mean it disappears.

Evolution, not extinction for most people I think. Maybe people accepting that it just disappears is part of the problem?

@JBut

You're obviously only posting this for a reaction. Grow up

Who are you? The thread police? I’ll post what I like so big bananas to you. And if you actually bother to keep up with the thread you’ll see that more people have agreed with the analogy. It’s sparked an interesting debate no? (Your contributions notwithstanding)

Hi. Know exactly what you were meaning - rather than the petty weirdos who asking if you'd snagged your sibling etc- it was horrible for me as we hadn't kept the magic alive in our marriage and were living like brother and sister - so I left. Much much happier. Do what is right for you. Obviously kids were older so not upsetting for them. Good luck however you decide to fix it xx

Very strange take you are with the wrong person or you actually shag your brother

That's all just weird

Exactly.

It's like: your best friend is your biggest crush. And somehow now you get to hang out with your crush all the time because they love hanging out with you. And they like you back!

I mean we haven't been together for 30 years yet.

But if you lose attraction to your partber and start seeing them.as basically a sibling, the problem isn't that you're in a longterm relationship, the problem is that you've let it go cold and need to work on the relationship or leave if it doesn't make you happy.

Happily in "lust" with my DH, both late 40s. We got together when we were mid-30s (but knew each other well as teens). I think maybe we benefitted from being with other (less sexually compatible) partners before and appreciate what we have?
Despite a sinking libido, once I'm there I still love and crave the intimacy, and very much still fancy the pants off my OH.

I think it's horses for courses. Libido, sexuality and intimacy are so complex, it probably can't all be put down to one element (i.e. how long you've been together).
I wouldn't entertain a relationship without sexual intimacy, but thats just me. Everyone is entitled to their own truth.

Funny🤣

This is such a strange thought to have. It's nothing like that. I fancy the ass off my husband and always have since the day I met him. That has never changed. Despite him seeing me give birth, shit myself during severe disabling illness, become frail and gravely ill also during said disability, he has always found me attractive too. We are best friends but we always were right from the start.
He's my everything under God and alongside his children. My siblings don't even factor into that level of love and devotion. It's not even on the same planet. My husband is the only one in my corner helping me, encouraging me, loving me every step of the way. Without so much as ever a cross word. He has never put me down, never insulted me, never fallen out with me or played any weird games I see other couples play with each other. We are an isolated rural family but we are full of love and laughter. Both of us are laid back so the kids are too but not when it comes to manners and kindness and all that. Although we don't get angry we simply direct and be consistent. We couldn't be more content with our lot. We'd make amazing friends and try to be to the few that we have but people tend to have busy lives too and we don't see them often.
All this to say, I could not function as a happy person without my husband and kids. Maybe some say that's sad or pathetic but I won the husband lottery ten fold. I will passionately speak love about him and give him everything I have for the rest of my life because of what he's done for and will do for me. He's a loving little darling and I can never put into words enough to justify him. Animals always come to him wherever we go and all our pets adore him. Especially cats in other people's houses or just out and about will always come and sit on him or other little animals. There's no boredom or weirdness in our marriage. I thank God every day for what I have.

It's a widespread conundrum! Try this: https://guardianbookshop.com/mating-in-captivity-9780340943755/

Thank you for posting this.
It is very thought provoking and something I have thought alot about.
I have found the responses thought provoking.
I thank you for sharing your circumstances here.

I have been in a relationship 36 years and could not imagine been with anyone else.
But I have reflected how we have lasted and think it is luck and needs to be worked on all the time.

We have two children and I feel there were times during this that our sex life diminished.

But I always reflect on how lucky I have been our lives have travelled together, this could have been different. We have changed jobs many times since we met but we are our ow cheer leaders over this time.

My husband knows me better than I know myself and I would say the same of him.
Because of this he is my best friend and my lover and for me there is a link between best friend and lover. I can been my real self with him.

However if I was in the situation of OP I would be looking at my options. Life is long when one is not fulfilled and we spend alot of time with our partners.

Perhaps some questions:
1 Do you love this person?
2 Do you want to leave him?
3 Do you think you could talk to him?
4 Did something specific trigger the switch off button?
5 Have you mentally moved on?

There maybe many other questions.
Again thank you for bring this to Mumsnet.

For me, I still see the 22 year old in my minds eye, even though its many many years later. I have friends who don't fancy their husbands anymore (and I don't blame them 🤣) But im more than happy with my husband but I think I'm very lucky. I sympathise you op, I don't really know what the answer is 🤷‍♀️

Yes, my husband is my best friend, and I like to shag him. I don't understand your feeling, unless, maybe, you're not as in love romantically with yours, or as sexually attracted.

@FunCrab

I think your point about mentally moving on is a really interesting one. I do think sexual attraction has a lot to do with mental stimulation. Something to think about. I wonder whether we have rich conversations, equal dialogue, and the subject matter can become so dull can't it in mid-age - what's for sodding dinner (again,) and who left the toilet seat up. Have we got any Beechams in the house because one of the kids has a snotty nose. Whose turn is it to break up yet another fight between the children as they roll around on top of one another on the sofa and destroy your living room in the process. And then every time we do try and connect in a conversation, one of the kids invariably interrupts. And we can't talk.

So we are definitely in a slump! Mentally as well as physically

Chafing said it best, above.
My husband and I have only been together 14 years but sex is better than ever. He knows what I like - that and the love and trust, makes me come pretty quick.

I think some of the replies have been…..peculiar! In all my years, countless jobs, several countries snd numerous friends I have never heard a woman describe her husband as a little darling who is their everything under God. I don’t think I’ve led a sheltered life, but these types of sentiments are alien to me!

Piss off

It doesn't have to get dull. We talk about all sorts. We still do daft stuff we used to. We send each other articles and stories we found interesting and try to remember them later on.

It's a choice to just disappear into the mundane.

I'd love to give you a laughing emoji 😂

Unless.... sorry for you 🤔

I get exactly what you’re saying OP as I felt like this. I told myself I wasn’t too bothered about sex. But I was! I really did want some affection and passion - honestly though - just not with him.

If you both feel this way then one of you will end up getting your emotional or sexual excitement elsewhere.
Divorce is likely as you probably aren't going to get the spark back. I divorced and it was 💯 the right thing to do.
Been with new partner 3 years and we have a great sex life and lots of affection. I feel very wanted in all ways.
He had exactly the same issue in his long marriage too (they were just best friends) and he said he really regrets staying in a sexless marriage for so long!

I have a male friend who is like a brother to me. I totally adore him. He is somehow incredibly attractive to women but I don't feel it at all. He feels the same way about me. We've been cast in shows opposite each other because we can certainly act it... But we don't feel it.

My DH and I on the other hand... Just the smell of him is enough. Even after 30 years of fancying him. I think being with someone who knows what you like make it more sexually exciting, not less.

Clearly can't tell a joke as blatantly obvious as it was. 🙄
What would we do without the literal people of the world they sure do make simple things hilarious.

I get what she' means but usually it turns into love and much better .you can have sex with anyone but its just sex. I've been married 47 years split for a year so had that .we got back together and much better to have someone that really cares .when I was younger I couldn't keep up now at 65 both got arthritis happy with a cuddle..