Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

[Oneisnotamused]

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

No. It’s not odd. Relate, one of the most mainstream couples therapy organisations wrote a book on the subject. People don’t just ‘move on’ without a blink of an eye, that’s sociopathic. Just because this thread has taken a risk for the nasty doesn’t mean I’m going to gaslight myself, it’s a perfectly normal thing to lose attraction and it’s normal to wonder what to do about that. This thread is nasty, but I still know that OP is not alone in how she feels. Maybe OP didn’t phrase it perfectly, but you’re not stupid and no one else on here is either, you all know what she meant

But what of those couples that DID meet young? No one can go back in time and have a one night stand when they were younger to scratch that itch. Many couples are in this position and just have to deal with it. Any words of wisdom from people with their partner their whole lives? Asking for a friend.

Okay, IN MY OPINION it’s odd. I wouldn’t have stayed married to DH if there wasn’t genuine passion as well as love. In our circle of friends everyone has been married for 30+ years and none of the relationships are just friendships!

I’ve never heard of this! I’ve been married a very long time and my husband and I are very attracted to each other. He does often work away so perhaps that keeps the passion going but I think it’s mostly because both of us have always been very fit and healthy and not let ourselves go, so we basically look like we did when we were young and the physical attraction is still very strong.

But are you ABLE TO IMAGINE (since we’re doing that) that the attraction could have faded and you might have wondered what to do? Surely you don’t live a life where you can only understand things if they’ve already happened to you. And trust me, you have no idea about what’s going on behind closed doors with your 30+ couple friends. You really don’t.

I don't know why people are pretending this isn't an exact reason for people talking the spark being gone in long term marriages and relationships. Its not fucking new but people are pretending to scratch their heads about it 😅

But I CAN see how they are together in company. I CAN hear how they talk about each other. I DO see their children ribbing them about “Dad can’t walk past Mum without pinching her bum” type things. I did know a couple where the attraction faded… they aren’t a couple anymore! Some people seem to have trouble believing that long term marriages DO have passion but I can assure they do and I honestly believe that passionate long term relationships are the norm.

What?!!!

30 years married and 40 years of sex here. It works well!

🤣

It's not sociopathic not to believe in being a martyr.

You have a CHOICE. Either sex is important to you, or it's not. If it's not, it's a non issue, you dont' have it.

If it's important to you, and you don't fancy your partner anymore, and your sex life is dead, then why stay and be miserable? If the OP is only 40ish, that's a lot of years to be without a great sex life!

When I say, you move on, I didn't mean you pack your bag, say bye and drive in the sunset and you know it. But I stand by what I said, if the relationship is dead, you move on.

it’s a perfectly normal thing to lose attraction
it's also perfectly normal to still fancy your partner like crazy, and even more when you both know what the other like and you are very comfortable with each other.
Neither are wrong.

It's staying despite having no attraction any more AND complaining about it that is stupid.

My brother was more interested in complaining that I'd pulled a face at him or telling me everybody hated me. I know some people have relationships with men like that, but I dont think I'd feel much like having sex with one of them.

Well arent you classy op

I know, sometimes I think there’s a coordinated and planned ambush on here, I really do. There’s no way no one understands what OP was trying to say.

But she’s only asking about it. There’s nothing wrong or odd about that.

Are you looking for an excuse to have a affair? Or to end your marriage? One is more acceptable than the other.

Or advice on how to reignite the spark and enjoy sex with your husband again? Maybe read up about sexual habituation.
And Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity.

Sex does change as you get older. For some of us, that change is a positive thing, being comfortable in our own skins and knowing what we each enjoy. For others, they need constant change and new stimuli.

With DH for 37 years. Physical relationships and attraction changes over time. From the heady days of magnetic passion and stamina to the quiter profound understanding of shared life and mutual comfort.

Over several decades, like the moon, physical relationships wax and wane, through bereavements, broken nights of infancy, homecomings and deeper understandings.

We love each other very much and always have but neither our emotional nor physical relationship mirrors that or 35, 25, 15 or even 5 years ago.

I can see, metaphorically, what the op meant and think she's had an unnecessarily hard time on here. Relationships change, the pace changes and understanding changes.

I agree: there’s a sneery and defensive tone to a lot of these posts with people suggesting its “odd” that sometimes sexual attraction fades in long term relationships.

Just because you still fancy your partner after 40 years doesn’t mean this is universal and I’m sure most people are well aware of this. People can hardly fail to have noticed that infidelity happens, even if they disapprove of it. Part of the reason infidelity can occur is because sex goes off the boil. Its a well documented phenomenon and raising it doesn’t mean someone is promiscuous or deviant or “not classy” (whatever the hell that means).

With some of these posts I feel that people are scared even to admit to the theoretical possibility that passion can dim as if its a threat to their own marriage.

No one is saying you have to stop shagging your husband and if you still want to swing from the chandeliers every night knock yourself out. Good for you. But stop pretending that fading libido in a marriage is a totally alien concept, it’s childish.

Exactly this. You get a thread like this every now and then and it’s not normal, it’s overtly nasty and they stand out a mile away.

I think you’ve phrased your problem in a way that isn’t helpful for you. You definitely have a relationship issue, and it could be fixable, but by describing it as an issue of knowing each other too well, you’ve left no room for an improvement.

Sexual incompatibility is hard to live with, and if it’s pushing you to breaking point, you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave a situation that you find intolerable.

.

Mumsnet - where everyone is married to a super hot guy and is having amazing sex three times a week after 40 years...

Or so it seems every time I come on here!

@Thepeopleversuswork

With some of these posts I feel that people are scared even to admit to the theoretical possibility that passion can dim as if its a threat to their own marriage.

Nail on head. Fear drives some of these responses I’m sure

Making love to your best friend is what marriage should be. Your spouse is your dearest friend as well as your most loved person. How can being totally intimate with them be an ick?
Passion changes - and the passion of being 'in love' is illusory and cannot last. But the long-term love between two people who are each other's best friend will grow and grow.
I miss my best friend. He died. I miss him in bed as well as out of it.

Not about mils, OHs.or family disputes.
But is anyone else suffering from a horrible stomach bug?

A lot of people separate in their 40s and 50s so maybe they are the people you're talking about. Those who are too young to face a sexless future.

I’ve been single my whole life apart from a few brief relationships. Celebate for over 20 years easily.

but this post says out loud what my secret feeling is. I can’t imagine having sex with someone you know and live with and share a life with. I find the idea awful.

I totally appreciate this is a me problem and not what normal couples feel. But I appreciate being able to think about this on an anonymous forum. It’s sort of a secret fear of mine.

and a lot of my friends are married and in loving relationships and I realise that I’m missing out on a huge part of the human experience. But I don’t think lucky them for having sex. I think ew imagine having to have sex with the husband.

im not right I know this.