Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

[Oneisnotamused]

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

Actually, there is a different way of looking at this. The flirtatious behaviour is something that if you practice in your marriage over time, actually engenders the desire. It is called reactive desire, rather than spontaneous desire and is how lots of long term relationshipskeep the sex intersting and alive even after spontaneous desire fades, as it does after the early stages of a relationship for many people, particularly women

The problem is that sort of flirty behabiour needs to be a regular normal part of your marriage before you get to the point where it is awkward.

A good sex therapist might help but it may be too late. Was there ever a time when you both really did have chemistry or spontaneous sexual desire between you? If yes, then there really is hope that you can get it back if you both want to. It will take some honesty and work though.

If the attraction and spontaneous desirer was never there in the first place, then that may make it a lot more difficult but you both need to be happy with this going forwards so honesty is also important here if you want a marriage that will actually survive long term .

Alternatively, accept that one of you is likely to meet someone else and/or leave at some point, when a sexless marriage no longer serves your needs. That may be a while yet though so you can of course continue as you are and just hope the marriage survives a while longer, it may well do

I think it's person dependant too.

For us, if there comes a day that DH doesn't slap my bum when he walks past/if I bend over or (jokingly) try and cup my boobs while I'm getting changed, I'll worry.

However, I have friends who are appalled when he does these things (only at home, having forgotten we have company/gone on auto pilot), and don't understand it when I tell them it's part of how we stay as connected as we are.

Some people are uncomfortable with this way of expressing affection/love/desire. That's ok too, just means they need to find other ways to connect that suit them.

Totally agree with this.. coming from someone who was in a 13 year relationship and left for many reasons but the main reason was the lack of passion and sexual attraction on my part.. I think that is the crucial question- is it one sided? For me my ex was still very much wanting to be physical and 'DTD' however I had reached a point where for me it was purely a friendship and being physical was becoming extremely hard for me and he was sensing that too.. so I realised I just couldn't continue this way and had to leave. It absolutely broke us both and turned my world upside down. I loved him but I wasn't In love and I couldn't give him what he needed and I needed more.. 5 years on and I'm happily married (great physical relationship and attraction) and his also in a happy relationship. It was the hardest decision I ever made but was without a doubt the right one.

Glad your still getting it ive not for 5 years any takers ??

I think some people are so privileged that they're oblivious to the horrendous treatment a huge proportion of us are subjected to in our relationships and all we get told is to choose better.

Do better.

Read the room.

First world problems.

Op is a creepy weirdo.

If its " ick" after ANY amount of time, you are with the wrong person.
We are still the same as when we first met 25 years ago.

I really disagree with this and I think this is a thought you are thinking to yourself to make yourself feel better about it. Eg- "no-one is telling the truth, they are all secretly miserable, like I am". Its cognitive dissonance at play for sure.

I am very attracted to my husband despite being married for years. He is 100% my complete physical type and even when things have been difficult (eg when the kids were born/little and we were both v sleep deprived and argumentative) it always used to really annoy me that even when I was knackered and really bloody annoyed with him I still found him ridiculously hot.

I am not worried about no longer fancying him, I actually feel genuinely sad that you cannot feel the same about your partner because frankly, our attraction has probably saved our marriage in the long term. The fact that we always wanted to shag each other has created a valuable intimacy at times when maybe we wouldn't have been inclined to make the effort for it if we had not been so attracted to each other. This really has been the glue that has held us together all these years and it makes me feel sad that you dont experience that because I think everyone deserves that kind of intimacy/attraction.

😂

We’re completely different people after 30 years. Of course that doesn’t mean that we haven’t grown in parallel, but not many people remain exactly the same.