Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

361 replies

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:18

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

OP posts:
JaneyDC · 29/12/2025 13:05

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:47

My point is you don’t want to have sex with someone who you’re over-familiar with. Over familiarity kills lust, passion and desire after a while

Maybe don't have a shit in the same room as when they're showering and you'll be fine.

Liissey0710 · 29/12/2025 13:05

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:01

I don’t mind a tough crowd - I expected the “oh but we’ve been married x-number of years and still shag every day” trope. Which is fine, but it doesn’t answer the question - I still think this happens to an awful of people. Maybe it’s not so bad in later years but when you’re in your 49’s and still would like some passion in your life it does pose an issue

But why is having sex with a friend wrong. Most people have sex with trust and caring. If you just want lust that only lasts if you both want it too. Do you find him attractive. Do you want to make it work or do you want to end it. You should still be able to make things fresh and exciting if you wanted too as that trust should mean taking risks is fun

myhaggisblewup · 29/12/2025 13:06

I don't shag, I make love with my h of 25 years and we are still loving it, still on our eternal honeymoon in fact 😁

Freshstartyear25 · 29/12/2025 13:06

I think it can feel like shagging your friend which to me is a good thing. I’m comfortable with him, happy with him seeing all my stretch marks, not body conscious around him, not trying to gauge if he likes what he sees, and he’s the same as well. Yes we make each other happy, try new things to make sure it’s not mundane but I don’t want to be putting myself through shagging someone different every few years just because I want passion, very pointless to me.

TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 13:06

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:47

My point is you don’t want to have sex with someone who you’re over-familiar with. Over familiarity kills lust, passion and desire after a while

In your experience. In your opinion.

Just you.

I've been shagging the same bloke for 40 years on and off. Can't get enough of each other. He's the person I love most after my kids. A friend. Confidante. Advisor. Supportive. Fucking hot man.

gogomomo2 · 29/12/2025 13:06

A wise older friend told me when I was dating that the most important thing was to fall in love with someone who will be my best friend because as you get older the bedroom becomes less important and companionship becomes more important, plus the worse and the sickness bit of your marriage vow is more and more likely. We still are very happy in the bedroom dept but I just love being together, that’s so much more important as you progress towards older age

Icouldwriteabookonmydisastrouslife · 29/12/2025 13:07

I would love to have sex with someone who knows me inside and out . You don’t have to feel anxious about doing something wrong or that you haven’t shaved your legs .
i would choose familiar sex over a one night stand any day of the week . I need emotional sex over physical sex .

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/12/2025 13:09

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:01

I don’t mind a tough crowd - I expected the “oh but we’ve been married x-number of years and still shag every day” trope. Which is fine, but it doesn’t answer the question - I still think this happens to an awful of people. Maybe it’s not so bad in later years but when you’re in your 49’s and still would like some passion in your life it does pose an issue

I think posting about it fairly flippantly in AIBU and pitching it as a broad statement that “long term marriage is like shagging your best friend / sibling 🤮” rather than just your own experience is where you went a bit awry. Post again in Relationships with the context of “DH and I love each other but we just don’t connect sexually or fancy each other any more and sex feels weird” and you’ll probably get more helpful advice.

Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:11

You make an interesting point @gogomomo2 about the importance of companionship and on the whole, I agree with you that this element of “getting on” with the other person trumps (or at least is equivalent in importance to sex.) But what about people in long term marriages like me who are still in their early 40’s? Should they give up on sex altogether?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:12

@ComtesseDeSpair

Thread police? Who cares where I post 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
AnnaQuayInTheUk · 29/12/2025 13:12

We've been together for 33 years, married for almost 32. DH is my best friend so yes, I'm shagging my best friend. What's the issue with that?

Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:13

There’s no issue @AnnaQuayInTheUk if you’re shagging. Which you are. So you clearly still desire one another. My question is directed at people who are essentially trapped in safe, sound, long-term companionships with no desire

OP posts:
Dollybantree · 29/12/2025 13:14

We’ve been together 24 years and it’s certainly not like “shagging our best friend”. Still both fancy the arse off one another. I do think we’re quite unusual in that respect though.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/12/2025 13:15

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:12

@ComtesseDeSpair

Thread police? Who cares where I post 🤣🤣🤣

Nobody really cares where you post, but if you’re looking for support, advice, shared experiences, people open to discussing things in a helpful way etc, you’re more likely to find that on a different board posting in a different context. If you were just looking to be provocative and start a bun fight, fair enough.

SnowFrogJelly · 29/12/2025 13:16

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:18

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

Long term marriage.. good or bad is nothing like shagging your sibling are you on glue

BlueOceanFish · 29/12/2025 13:18

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:13

There’s no issue @AnnaQuayInTheUk if you’re shagging. Which you are. So you clearly still desire one another. My question is directed at people who are essentially trapped in safe, sound, long-term companionships with no desire

What does your DH say?

Are you both making an effort? Are you getting time away together? Doing things a bit differently.

Do you want to solve these problems with your DH or is it that this part of your life is over with DH? In that case it might mean the end of your relationship? If not it sounds like there is too going have to be some work put into it.

KarenWheeler · 29/12/2025 13:18

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:47

My point is you don’t want to have sex with someone who you’re over-familiar with. Over familiarity kills lust, passion and desire after a while

Nope, not for me. I've been with DH since I was 16, I'm now 47. Only ever slept with one other person before him. Never wanted anyone else after we met.

He's my best friend, lover, co-parent and the person I want to spend every minute with. Never gotten the ick, and probably fancy him more now than when we first met. TBF my sex drive has tanked since peri started, but it hasn't put a dampner on how attracted to him I am.

I find the thought of having sex with someone you barely know gives me the ick.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2025 13:19

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:04

@TimeForTeaAndG

You also need to remember that sex isn't just about what happens in the bedroom. It's the kisses in the kitchen, the flirty bum squeeze as you go by each other, holding hands when walking about...

Yeah but we’re not lovers. We act as friends and companions. That’s flirtatious behaviour that signals desire and we don’t have that

I think the trick might be to notice when it starts to wain and keep it up, so to speak. I think once you stop that, it's easier to slip into just friends. marriage is being good friends and enjoying sex together. if you slip from either of those, you end up where you are

do you WANT to fix it? what happens if you instigate sex? does he try? if he still attractive?

Mmimmyokay · 29/12/2025 13:19

Huh??
Slept with my husband first time at 15, now 43 and its as satisfying as ever.

Very weird post.

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 29/12/2025 13:20

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/12/2025 11:28

Having had sex with several of my friends, I’ll still be pretty damn happy if that’s how my sex life with DH feels in a couple of decades’ time. I mostly only sing karaoke with my brother though, which in all honesty I’m less keen to be doing with DH.

I’m sure there are some long term relationships which end up as two people mostly only staying together for financial security and because they don’t want to be alone; but it’s not true of many others, where both partners still love and enjoy sex with each other. If that’s not the case for yours then you need to actively take steps to nurture the relationship and your sexuality; or agree that it’s just not working any more because you feel “icky” and go your separate ways.

Edited

Absolutely fucking disgusting that you’ve been doing karaoke with your brother. I can’t believe you felt okay sharing that on MN, you deviant. If it involved ABBA, the Beatles, Phil Collins, or Fleetwood Mac, I’m truly ashamed for you.

BlueOceanFish · 29/12/2025 13:20

Also I think it’s OK to be with a long term partner and still have fantasies about other people (real, imaginary or fictional!).

BCBird · 29/12/2025 13:22

myhaggisblewup · 29/12/2025 13:06

I don't shag, I make love with my h of 25 years and we are still loving it, still on our eternal honeymoon in fact 😁

Ill hold out for this, although at 56 and arthritic, I don't think it will be like this for 25 years- got to find him first 😂

ohyesido · 29/12/2025 13:24

16 years later I still fancy him and definitely don’t view him as a brother Grin

Dontlletmedownbruce · 29/12/2025 13:25

I think you've had unusual responses OP. Its actually really nice that so many have healthy sex lives in LTRs. Sometimes on MN it seems everyone is a single parent with an abusive ex or on their third marriage, the cohort of posters can really vary. It's inspiring to read of so many happy content relationships.

I think in reality a significant number of couples, possibly the majority go through this phase or become permanently like this. It's so common it's cliché. So you are definitely not alone. Lower libido among women in 40s is well documented so this isn't news.

As to what to do about it, I wish I knew the answer. Most of my relationship with Dh is organising lifts to activities, discussing what's for dinner and basically parenting. There is no energy left over and sex is occasional and often a chore for me. We go through patches. I don't like talking about it much but I suspect most of my friends are similar. My youngest is almost finished primary school now and I see us developing much more free time going forward. I think spending time together as a couple not as parents is crucial. Remembering to laugh together or share interests, whatever you used to do pre kids. Time away overnight is probably the best medicine, not the pressure of one night only but ideally a long weekend to really relax. Sadly not always possible, we were lucky enough to do this a few times and things felt different afterwards. It's also OK to just go through the motions and fantasise about someone else! It doesn't always have to be passionate love making and it doesn't have to be that often, but I do think it has to happen sometimes. If a schedule is needed then so be it it's not romantic but life with kids isn't anyway and impulsive moments often don't come around at all.

Also remember its ok to have rough patches and they can go on for long periods. It doesn't mean your relationship is over. Personally I don't think people who get on well should break up a family to facilitate their sex life, the priority should be finding ways to bring the spark back within the relationship.

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 13:25

What's wrong with shagging your best friend? Best relationships sometimes (often?) start with 2 besties finally getting together as a couple.

It might help when you don't become involved too young. If you've been together since you're 20, you haven't experienced anything else and missed out on a lot of fun.

I think the problem is people settling far too young. Good for them if they're happy, but I think they're missing out and one day it will show.

Same with having kids later on, by the time you have them, you have no regret, you've done loads and you're ready for the next step.