To end it after I found my boyfriend on the sex offenders list

[Hallb]

I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 months, I knew in the past he had been to jail. He mentioned something about weed, he has turned his life completely around and I had no reason to believe otherwise

he lives in my city but for some reason tonight I Googled him in his home town. I found something that made me sick to my stomach

he is on the sex offenders list. 10 years ago he was an 18 year old man charged with sexual conduct with an under 13 year old. I cannot believe it. I feel sick, my hands are sweating and if I knew this about him I would never have dated him. Part of me wants to confront him for not telling me, part of me wants to hear his explanation even though I know he will try and explain it away. Im heartbroken, he has to register as a sex offended for 25 years. I’m embarrassed, and feel kind of violated. Am I over reacting? I just don’t know what to think at all.

i 100% do not agree with what he’s done, there’s no explanation in the world that would make me stay with him

It’s the same in the UK. Under 13 is a different chargeable offence to under 16 with different sentencing guidelines.

I think it’s natural that you do want to find out more but I’m assuming the victim’s privacy rights will potentially limit this as they are entitled to lifelong anonymity.

Just get rid of him and make it clear there is absolutely no chance of him wheedling his way back in, regardless of anything he comes up with.

There is no way a man of any age is going to mistake a girl 13 or under for anywhere near being 18 -

The guy is clearly a paedophile and is convicted as such (or whatever the legal terminology is in your state) - don't give it a further thought.

You've blocked him, which is good, but make sure you are safe.

You’ve been tricked into dating him; you would at have had you known the truth. He was either going to lie to you forever and hope you’d never find out, or reveal it to you after you felt you couldn’t leave and therefore had you trapped. Leave while you can.

For those saying we don’t have access to this info in the UK - we do:

offenders.org.uk/

It's totally understandable that you feel violated and want to find more information @Hallb. You've had a massive shock and you want to know who the person you've been dating for the last six months really is. I would be exactly the same.

People love to be mean to victims, it helps them reassure themselves that they could never be fooled, they will never be in the same situation. The reality is that you did nothing wrong, any of us could be tricked in a similar way. But that makes people uncomfortable so they try to blame you instead.

I'm glad you've blocked him and hope he's easy to get rid of. Don't blame yourself, you have been extremely unlucky. You could consider talking to a good therapist/counsellor, it might help you more than this thread.

I haven't blamed the victim at all for anything; that's untrue.

If someone has been in prison and the only reason you have been given is a "mention" of weed by the ex-prisoner, then my view is it's better to know exactly what the charge was than be satisfied with a "mention of weed". A prison sentence is not given lightly.

But feel free to disagree @Eaglemom . I'd be interested to know why you feel it's better for OP to have been satisfied with the ex"s comment.

This is just some info compiled from newspaper reports, it is not the register that is compiled and maintained by the police.

Why would this even be a question in someone’s mind? He’s a literal peadophile. I’d never even look back

Can you ask for the police’s help? Ask them for more detail if you want to. And ask for advice on how to leave him safely.

Just to be clear - that's not a police database. It's essentially a collection of newspaper articles. Good to check though I suppose.

What on earth is the explanation you're hoping to hear from him? This is a total no-brainer.

Your friend is an idiot.

I’m so sorry, just end it now.

Quite right. Well done you.

I just wanted to stop by and say don't let this make you doubt yourself and your own judgment. Any one of us could find ourselves in this situation unwittingly, unfortunately - it says nothing about you.

What does say something about you is that there has been no hemming or hawing - you have found this out, acted decisively and immediately and not entertained any implausible bullshit excuses being made for this waste of a man.

Good for you.

You're not overreacting and please don't let yourself be swayed by people trying to pass the responsibility onto either you or the girl he raped. I wouldn't care much about an old weed charge either - especially as you say given the racial issues within that. You've not done anything wrong by letting that pass. You've not somehow opened the door to your own heartbreak or brought it on yourself.

I can't imagine how sick you feel right now and I'm so sorry.

You're letting it set your bar on convictions for weed despite the well known racial biases on those specific charges. Don't be a hypocrite all your life.

He lied to you. That’s why you’re angry. It’s a betrayal. You have been dating someone and they’re not the person you think they are.

reason enough to end it.

yo couldn’t have known, this is not a reflection of you or your ability to judge people. He duped you.

Well done for checking on him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Re 25 year registration - this is very likely to be following a 6-30 month custodial sentence of an 18yr old. That length of sentence could be for voyeurism or taking and sharing an inappropriate picture of someone eg getting changed, or indecent exposure, as well as for sexual assault and other sex offences.

My very first LTB

Run. Very fast in the opposite direction.

Depending on your job, being with a convicted sex offender may need to be declared

How would you feel about having a child with him? You'd never trust him.

Leave this disgusting man, you can do far better.

Who are the freaks who voted 2% yabu? 🤯

OP I haven’t RTFT but in case nobody else has suggested it I’d also make a Sarah’s Law and Clare’s Law request to the police.

Irrelevant, OP is in the US.

If you’d had the courtesy to read the OP’s posts you’d know she’s in the USA and therefore these laws are irrelevant.

Oh get lost. I didn’t have much time and we have a family member who was sexually abused as a child so I didn’t want to read and run.

I was thirteen when my 18 year old bf had sex with me. It ruined my early life.
I thought i was special and grown up. I had been abused as a child.

I think you're in shock OP.
Do not see him again. Fwiw black culture has its own justice for paedophiles.