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AIBU?

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Original poster

To end it after I found my boyfriend on the sex offenders list

178 replies

Hallb · 29/12/2025 00:23

I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 months, I knew in the past he had been to jail. He mentioned something about weed, he has turned his life completely around and I had no reason to believe otherwise

he lives in my city but for some reason tonight I Googled him in his home town. I found something that made me sick to my stomach

he is on the sex offenders list. 10 years ago he was an 18 year old man charged with sexual conduct with an under 13 year old. I cannot believe it. I feel sick, my hands are sweating and if I knew this about him I would never have dated him. Part of me wants to confront him for not telling me, part of me wants to hear his explanation even though I know he will try and explain it away. Im heartbroken, he has to register as a sex offended for 25 years. I’m embarrassed, and feel kind of violated. Am I over reacting? I just don’t know what to think at all.

i 100% do not agree with what he’s done, there’s no explanation in the world that would make me stay with him

OP posts:
B1anche · 29/12/2025 07:45

TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 07:37

YABU to feel violated as you're not a scared and abused child imho.

I don't know what you want from this as most self confident and sensible women would just say you're not feeling it anymore and end the relationship. Wanting to confront him smacks of drama and asking for an explanation see,s to suggest you want to stay with him.

Good that your realise you can't stay with him. I hide you've ended it and get no trouble from him.

edited for typo and to add as missed further posts

Edited

What a nasty unsupportive post. Kicking someone when they're down. Why do you think only abused children can feel violated? OP was deceived by this man. Of course she feels violated, as anyone would.

And why the dig about 'self confident and sensible women'? OP has had a huge shock. It's not easy to think straight when you suddenly discover information like this.

As for wanting to stay with him, OP has clearly said the relationship will be ended. She just wants to talk it through here as she can't discuss it really life.

Original poster
Hallb · 29/12/2025 07:48

I guess I was ranting, I’m not interested what he wants to say. But to find out someone you was with raped a child is not an every day occurrence I just wanted to talk this through.

I haven’t slept my mind is just going on. Already one friend is trying to tell me the girl could have been acting older. So I really don’t want to tell other people in my life

I have blocked him and deleted his number. To me there is no grey area

OP posts:
Bleachedjeans · 29/12/2025 07:48

Ask him for an explanation? Why? Just get rid. Pronto.

pouletvous · 29/12/2025 07:49

I personally couldn’t be with someone who is a sex
offender. No matter what the circumstances

end it

FenceBooksCycle · 29/12/2025 07:49

I can't work out why you have any kind of dilemma here. He's a paedophile and a liar who you only got into a relationship with because he lied about himself. Of course you feel violated, you have been violated. He lies about his past because only by lying does he get any chance of a shag - and he values his own desire for a shag as more important than the freedom.of choice and bodily autonomy of the woman in question ie you. He has a rapist mentality. Don't waste a moment talking about it, just get rid of him.

ParmaVioletTea · 29/12/2025 07:51

I sense that in your distress you also feel a bit ashamed or embarrassed, @Hallb Please try not to feel that way- women take on far too much of the blame for men’s awful behaviour.

You have nothing to reproach yourself for. Of course you wouldn’t have gone out with him if you had known. Of course not.

What it also shows is that sex offenders aren’t observable obvious monsters. They are seemingly “ordinary’ men. That’s what’s so confronting.

Good luck, OP, and hold your head high. Your instincts and moral compass are true.

TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 07:54

B1anche · 29/12/2025 07:45

What a nasty unsupportive post. Kicking someone when they're down. Why do you think only abused children can feel violated? OP was deceived by this man. Of course she feels violated, as anyone would.

And why the dig about 'self confident and sensible women'? OP has had a huge shock. It's not easy to think straight when you suddenly discover information like this.

As for wanting to stay with him, OP has clearly said the relationship will be ended. She just wants to talk it through here as she can't discuss it really life.

Show quote history

I can see why you would say all that. I have my reasons for why I posted it in that way.

@Hallb I apologise fully if my post upset you.

I hope when you end it he doesn't give you any trouble.

101Alsatians · 29/12/2025 07:55

ParmaVioletTea · 29/12/2025 07:51

I sense that in your distress you also feel a bit ashamed or embarrassed, @Hallb Please try not to feel that way- women take on far too much of the blame for men’s awful behaviour.

You have nothing to reproach yourself for. Of course you wouldn’t have gone out with him if you had known. Of course not.

What it also shows is that sex offenders aren’t observable obvious monsters. They are seemingly “ordinary’ men. That’s what’s so confronting.

Good luck, OP, and hold your head high. Your instincts and moral compass are true.

Perfect response.

OP block him and never look back.

RunMeOver · 29/12/2025 07:55

Already one friend is trying to tell me the girl could have been acting older.

If they were in the same school he automatically would have known what grade she was in and thus her age to within a year. It's not like he just picked her up at a club or something.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 07:56

Hallb · 29/12/2025 07:48

I guess I was ranting, I’m not interested what he wants to say. But to find out someone you was with raped a child is not an every day occurrence I just wanted to talk this through.

I haven’t slept my mind is just going on. Already one friend is trying to tell me the girl could have been acting older. So I really don’t want to tell other people in my life

I have blocked him and deleted his number. To me there is no grey area

Fucking hell. That friend can go in the bin too.

He is a paedophike. You don't outgrow that. You are well rid.

Original poster
Hallb · 29/12/2025 07:58

Well from what I can find on the internet. It actually doesn’t say the same school. Its says it happened in the town, the school is the same name as the town.

not that it makes any difference, my mind has been going overdrive all night, I haven’t slept.

i want to find more information I just can’t access any court records whatsoever

OP posts:
101Alsatians · 29/12/2025 08:04

I wouldn't torment yourself looking for more info.Nothing he can do or say makes it right,but you know that already.

A relative of mine did jury duty for a similar sounding case,he was appalled at how difficult it was for the child to prosecute. You don't get convicted lightly by any means.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 08:05

Hallb · 29/12/2025 07:58

Well from what I can find on the internet. It actually doesn’t say the same school. Its says it happened in the town, the school is the same name as the town.

not that it makes any difference, my mind has been going overdrive all night, I haven’t slept.

i want to find more information I just can’t access any court records whatsoever

You beed to ask yourself why you want more information. What level of paedophile would you be ok with?

ResusciAnnie · 29/12/2025 08:07

I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 months, I knew in the past he had been to jail.

For fucks sake, raise the bar. Have some self respect.

ChattyCatty25 · 29/12/2025 08:08

Don’t confront him in person in case he gets violent and angry. Make sure he has no further access to you.

Original poster
Hallb · 29/12/2025 08:10

There is no level I would find this okay, I just wanted to read up on it.

i don’t believe she could have pretended she was older, I don’t believe they could have been in love. I think he groomed her and raped her. I have said time and time again I don’t think it’s acceptable or any grey area.

that doesn’t stop me wanting to know as much as possible after not knowing anything at all

OP posts:
BeQuirkyMintScroller · 29/12/2025 08:13

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 08:05

You beed to ask yourself why you want more information. What level of paedophile would you be ok with?

Show quote history

The human brain will want to have as much info as possible about what it was (unknowingly) dealing with. That's a normal processing reaction after a shock.

The OP does not have a sliding scale of child abuser that she is willing to date. 🙄

Imaginingdragonsagain · 29/12/2025 08:16

Has he told you the truth about the rest of it? Would you really go to prison for having a bit of weed as a teenager? Im sorry OP what a shock for you. I think it’s natural to want more information while you’re processing it.

Fargo79 · 29/12/2025 08:19

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 08:05

You beed to ask yourself why you want more information. What level of paedophile would you be ok with?

Show quote history

Don't be a dick. That's such a basic thing to say, and so needlessly unkind when someone is already suffering through no fault of her own.

She's been very clear that she doesn't accept it and the relationship is over. It's natural that she's looking for information and answers because this is a huge shock and she's trying to come to terms with the fact that someone she has shared her life intimately with is actually someone completely different to who she thought.

1980isitjustme · 29/12/2025 08:20

Hallb · 29/12/2025 07:48

I guess I was ranting, I’m not interested what he wants to say. But to find out someone you was with raped a child is not an every day occurrence I just wanted to talk this through.

I haven’t slept my mind is just going on. Already one friend is trying to tell me the girl could have been acting older. So I really don’t want to tell other people in my life

I have blocked him and deleted his number. To me there is no grey area

Please do not allow anyone to minimise this. I sat on a jury this year for multiple counts of rape and sexual assault of a child under 13. I saw lots of evidence of her “acting older” etc but she was very clearly a child and there is no justification whatsoever.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.

LancashireButterPie · 29/12/2025 08:20

The dirty bastard should still be in prison for raping a 12 year old.
Your friends sound creepy as hell as well.
Seriously, who the fuck would say "maybe they were in love".
This thread is sickening.

PollyBell · 29/12/2025 08:23

Fargo79 · 29/12/2025 08:19

Don't be a dick. That's such a basic thing to say, and so needlessly unkind when someone is already suffering through no fault of her own.

She's been very clear that she doesn't accept it and the relationship is over. It's natural that she's looking for information and answers because this is a huge shock and she's trying to come to terms with the fact that someone she has shared her life intimately with is actually someone completely different to who she thought.

Show quote history

Unless it is to justify it on the paedophile scale no i also have no idea why somone would need to know the gory details, being a paedophile is not enough for the op they should ask themselves why

TheCurious0range · 29/12/2025 08:23

@Hallb I'm not sure if it's the same in the US but in the UK he would have conditions attached to his registration and notification of relationships would likely be one of them so police can make decisions around disclosure. You might want to speak to your local police department as he may be in breach of his notification. In the UK that is a further offence, pretty sure it would be in the US too. Or maybe he has told police about you, in which case I'd want to know that my babe and details were on police records as being in a relationship with a sex offender.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 08:24

Fargo79 · 29/12/2025 08:19

Don't be a dick. That's such a basic thing to say, and so needlessly unkind when someone is already suffering through no fault of her own.

She's been very clear that she doesn't accept it and the relationship is over. It's natural that she's looking for information and answers because this is a huge shock and she's trying to come to terms with the fact that someone she has shared her life intimately with is actually someone completely different to who she thought.

Show quote history

Basic? Are you 15?

op said in response to someone saying he knew how old she was: Well from what I can find on the internet. It actually doesn’t say the same school. Its says it happened in the town, the school is the same name as the town So she is already looking for reasons he is a convicted paedophile. And op already thought nothing of him being a convicted criminal.

The op‘s bar is on the floor. Ive suggested she asks herself why she needs more information BECAUSE her bar is so low. Anyone who had told this story without already knowing he was a convicted criminal, yes mire information for processing just what a lucky escape she had, But with op saying that being a convicted criminal wasn't an issue for her (odd in itself as it can impact the op‘s life / career / travel if the stayed together) isnt the same.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 08:27

LancashireButterPie · 29/12/2025 08:20

The dirty bastard should still be in prison for raping a 12 year old.
Your friends sound creepy as hell as well.
Seriously, who the fuck would say "maybe they were in love".
This thread is sickening.

We dont know she was 12. we know she was under 13.