To end it after I found my boyfriend on the sex offenders list

[Hallb]

I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 months, I knew in the past he had been to jail. He mentioned something about weed, he has turned his life completely around and I had no reason to believe otherwise

he lives in my city but for some reason tonight I Googled him in his home town. I found something that made me sick to my stomach

he is on the sex offenders list. 10 years ago he was an 18 year old man charged with sexual conduct with an under 13 year old. I cannot believe it. I feel sick, my hands are sweating and if I knew this about him I would never have dated him. Part of me wants to confront him for not telling me, part of me wants to hear his explanation even though I know he will try and explain it away. Im heartbroken, he has to register as a sex offended for 25 years. I’m embarrassed, and feel kind of violated. Am I over reacting? I just don’t know what to think at all.

i 100% do not agree with what he’s done, there’s no explanation in the world that would make me stay with him

So you're relating someone having a cannabis possession record from their teens with sexual offending?! How is her bar on the floor because she'd overlook a cannabis possession charge? It's incredibly low level and lots of US stats have now legalised cannabis so it wouldn't be seen as a big deal at all.

It's also very natural as a human to want to know everything when you find someone has deceived you.

OP, honestly I’d step away from this thread. You’ve done the right thing in blocking him. You’ve not once said there might be a way it was ok, it’s totally normal to feel like you want to know more, to post here in shock to try and talk through what you’re feeling. But the thread will just turn in to a pile on because people who have never been through anything like this will have a go at you because you’re here.

Have a think about how you’ll handle it when he turns up - will he really just disappear because you’ve blocked him? Think carefully about whether confronting him is a safe thing to do. Even if you don’t say anything, he’ll probably guess why, and he’ll push you to talk to him, he’ll try to minimise it. Call the police on him immediately if he won’t take no for an answer.

I wouldn't have the US as my bar to be honest. And I wouldn't set my bar as low as cannabis user legal or otherwise. And I an relating someone with a criminal record having a second criminal record. This man is bad news.

But the point was, being with a convicted criminal can harm the op‘s future. It isn't a wise choice. But we also know he lied about his criminal past. So he is a criminal and a liar.

Op sounds smart. She can have a much better future not tied to someone with any criminal record.

^this !

I would end it. He lied.

There was a very harrowing radio four segment a few weeks ago about sex offenders and how out of all crimes people can commit, they are the ones who can never seem to be allowed to do their time and then move on normally. They get excluded from jobs in the way that thieves and murderers don’t even get excluded. And yet I would still end it. That conviction will follow him, and therefore you, around like a bad smell. And frankly at 18 we all know he should’ve known better. As others have said it is basically paedophilia.

I'm sorry for your plight OP - I believe in second chances, and know people who have good long term relationships with ex-cons (theft & fraud, gone straight), but sex offences, and especially against children are unforgivable - and the risk of re-offending is high (imagine if you had a child together, doesn't bear thinking about)

I think you know what to do, just make sure you are safe.

I understand this @Hallb You want some control over the situation. Obviously, you feel blindsided and as if your decisions are wonky (they're not).

Information is a way of you re-asserting control over your life & feelings. I get it.

Although I I hope you will reflect, and just leave it. More information may feel necessary, but in the long run, it won't help.

What you're experiencing is horrible: you're being brought face to face in a shocking way with the way women - or 13 year old girls - are made to take responsibility for men's appalling behaviour.

So, she was 12!

The thing that makes me feel so sick is. Not saying this would be better or worse.

the law states under 13, in our county that could be anywhere from newborn right up until 13.

I understand I won’t find any further information but this has played on my mind since I’ve found out.

I’m sorry OP.

The only thing unreasonable is you questioning whether you are unreasonable for breaking up with him.

Why on earth would you consider hearing him out?

Registering as a SO for 25 years is irrelevant?

He did it?! You should’ve had the same reaction to dump him even if he no longer had to register as a SO.

Expose him and get rid. Don’t stop for an explanation. It doesn’t matter.

If you look on judiciary website you shoud be able to find the full sentencing remarks

you're being brought face to face in a shocking way with the way women - or 13 year old girls - are made to take responsibility for men's appalling behaviour.

And even on this thread, the OP is being held responsible! Being told that her moral compass is off. Look at the way some posters are deflecting, to blame the OP. Awful.

No brainer, really. It’s the only option you have.

I’m not really taking on board their comments. Being convicted of a weed offense as a teenager. As a black man in America, it is not hard to see why he would be convicted.
HOWEVER that does not mean this was something I should have seen coming or my bar is in hell.

Weed is also now legal in my state so there’s that. Can we move past him having weed in his possession

Why don't you believe that, out of interest? Is it the way he presents, or don't you want to believe it?

I’m sorry but you can’t possibly think you’re overreacting?!

That would be insanity.

I just don’t believe men when they say they didn’t know she was underage. A man of 18 has no common ground of a child under the age of 13. I just simply don’t believe it

Other people on the thread don't seem to have any problems engaging their brains and understanding why she might be looking for answers.

Trying to insinuate that she's fine with her partner being a paedophile is disgusting and completely baseless. Perhaps you could ask yourself why you are inventing imaginary scenarios to try and make someone feel even worse when they're already down.

No, "under 13" means just that. She could be any age up to 13. She could have been 2.

I think @Hallb is using this thread to process her feelings. Can we give her a break?

I couldn’t get past it- even if he’s turned his life around, claims he didn’t know she was underage, I couldn’t forgive it and continue. I also think he should have told you early on. Well done OP for checking and taking action, I can imagine the shock and disbelief.

You’re definitely not overreacting. A 13 year old? You can’t carry on a relationship with him. Sorry for what you are going through but at least you know the truth.

Weed and a sex offence are not comparable - a huge percentage of the worlds population have smoked or do smoke weed or take another drug of choice (including alcohol or tobacco), humans have done that forever - it doesn't make them a bad or immoral person.

However, sex offences, especially against minors are abhorrent, there just is no comparison.

The fact he has both convictions doesn't matter, it's the SO one that is the deal breaker.

I wouldnt confront him. Hes a pedophile. Under 13 is particularly young, and he raped or sexually abused them.

There is no explanation. He didnt mistake an under 13 for over 16. He managed to manipulate unsupervised access to a child and abused them. Sex crimes are hard to prosecute and they managed to convict him.

There is no closure to this beyond what you know. There is no discussion. There should be no platform for his pity party. You need to just end it and move on.

Sorry youre going through this though. Its vile for you.