To not like Grandad tickling grandkids??

[CrandyCrush]

Okay… I’m fully expecting to get flamed here. I’ve always got weird vibes about DH’s dad. Due to proximity, we don’t see much of him, and he has always made quite minimal effort with DC. However, DC are now 12 and 9 and he has started doing this thing where he comes over and tickles their legs (knee area). I don’t know why, but it’s making me uncomfortable, although the kids seem okay. I just find it weird for some reason. I obviously haven’t said anything to anyone irl because I have nothing other than a weird feeling.

Is it me? AIBU?

As he hasn’t spent much time with them, maybe tell him he doesn’t know them well enough to be touching them. That would make it more of a general rule rather than personal to him. If he makes a fuss, say that if he can’t understand why you teach your children not to allow people they don’t know well to touch them, then he’s a bit dense

Urgh. Tickling is weird. At any age or scenario

I would encourage girls to say, stop Grandpa, I don’t like it. Then you can follow up and say, please stop, they have asked you to stop

Ask yourself why grandma isn't also tickling them on the backs of their knees to, "show affection."

He's a deviant. Get him alone and make it plain to him that it stops right now. No arguments, no second chances. Tell DH that his dad has a problem.

Over 50 years ago I was "tickled". Not by a family member, but I never forgot the shame and helplesness of it. Eventually he was caught, but there's a couple of guys from that school who didn't make 40.

Strength and good luck.

Best approach by far.

100% follow your gut instinct.

Say there is to be no tickling (you are the parent, you make the rules - you don't have to get into an argument trying to explain why you made them) and move the children away whenever he tries. Try to keep them away from him totally. Paedophiles operate out in the open, in front of parents, because they rely on people being too polite to make a fuss about something that isn't blatantly obvious, like a mallet to the head.

No it is not the best approach by far - put the onus onto children - jeeze your bar is low.

Yeah you’re right- I like this instead of what I said! It’s your kids, just say stop doing that! Xx

I disagree that encouraging and supporting 9 and 12 year olds to set boundaries is a low bar.

I'd want them to become very confident in telling people not to touch them in weird or unwanted ways.

Children are never too young to be taught about body autonomy.

@cupfinalchaos

How naive! 🙄

Not when they are being ‘tickled’ when they weren’t before. It is confusing at a young age and can easily lead to issues later in life. I have only just been able to talk about my brother in law ‘jokingly’ grabbing my crotch nearly 40 years ago while my sister was out of the room (and the embarrassment I felt !!!???) and only because he is shielding his father who has been arrested for much worse.

I told my mother and my sister at the time - both dismissed it. I got on with life but now I am no contact with them because they are now lying to protect a serial abuser.

Because you think he may be a sex offender.

I presume you also dont let your husband or your own father tickle the kids?

Oof, I'm sorry that happened to you.

Your mum and sister hardly encouraged and supported you to set boundaries, did they? The suggestion here was for OP to discuss with DC and empower them to tell Mr Tickle to back off.

This is very serious. I had an uncle who started tickling me when I hit puberty. I hated it with every fibre of my being but was trapped in it by a family who thought he was just a ‘friendly uncle’ and did nothing. It genuinely made my skin crawl and still affects me to this day.

It ended in a full blown assault (on me) the day I eventually told him to fuck off. I was then in my early 20s. Stop him doing it right now, even if it’s awkward. Show your DH this message.

YADNBU, trust your gut!

That sounds really inappropriate, there is absolutely no way id let my dad or father in law tickle or cuddle or even lay a finger on my grandkids (unless its a tap on the hand if they'd been cheeky)
that is just creepy

I would never dream of tickling or cuddling my kids, never mind letting anybody else do it
A short hug when they're upset, yes. But cuddling to me is a major red flag

Sorry, you think cuddling your own kids is a red flag? To me that's a red flag!

Maybe I've misunderstood you?

Sorry, have I read this right, you don’t cuddle your kids?!?

Of course he is! He won’t realise that dc are people with their own thoughts and feelings: he’s treating them like toys.

Weird timing too.

Just ask him to stop tickling them.

Suggest other ways he could engage with them. does he talk to them?

I remember my father playing some tickling game with me as a toddler. I think he was being a wolf. I remember the odd bit of feet tickling as a child too. But my father wouldn't do that sort of thing to me as a 12 year old. I didn't particularly like one of my uncles at that age and I remember my father very carefully questioning me if there was any particular reason why I said I didn't like my uncle. Being a very precocious child I got what he was getting at and assured him there was nothing like that at all. That was my father's brother and yet he made sure nothing was going on. If he'd discovered my uncle tickling my knees as a 9 year old or 12 year old there would have been no doubt he'd have been told to stop by either my mother or father. In fact, I can't imagine any of my male relatives doing such a thing. I also can't understand your husband's reluctance to step up and protect your daughters.

Is English your first language? What does "cuddling " mean to you? Not cuddling your own children is cruel, IMHO, and probablysettingthe poor littlesods up for a lifetimeof emotional messed-up-ness.

Oh wait...are you just trying to derail any discussion of intrafamilial abuse? Such things do happen. Some people don't like the light.

No, do not make the kids the first point of refusal. An adult tells him no and makes him stop.