To not like Grandad tickling grandkids??

[CrandyCrush]

Okay… I’m fully expecting to get flamed here. I’ve always got weird vibes about DH’s dad. Due to proximity, we don’t see much of him, and he has always made quite minimal effort with DC. However, DC are now 12 and 9 and he has started doing this thing where he comes over and tickles their legs (knee area). I don’t know why, but it’s making me uncomfortable, although the kids seem okay. I just find it weird for some reason. I obviously haven’t said anything to anyone irl because I have nothing other than a weird feeling.

Is it me? AIBU?

“They’re too old for tickle games”. Also talk to the girls , and how they feel about it. Empower them to walk away or say no/stop if they want to or feel uncomfortable in any scenario.

I'm sure there are many things people have never heard of before, that doesn't make them untrue if I am correct in your implication.

And? My grandad would’ve liked to touch my breasts (not so politely expressed by him). He doesn’t get to touch someone else just because he likes it.

That made me heave. He’s suddenly started tickling two young girls? On their legs? When they have little shared connection with him.
Trust your gut.
I will never forget being a toddler of 4/5 and my dad’s boss started visiting us. He started tickling me and I laughed. One day when my dad was out of the room he kicked me really hard in the bum and told me if I told my dad, he’d sack him.
I never said a word and always pretended to be pleased to see him. Jobs were scarce at the time, my parents were always worried about money, and so I just pretended I was fine.
That was fifty years ago now.
I know he’s a blood relative but he is many ways a relative stranger. Speak to your daughters to ensure they can talk to you openly.

Even more reason to say no tickling.
Trust your gut.

I would ask girls if they mind being tickled and remind them it’s also ok to say no to him, and agree a code phrase if they need you to stop, eg ‘ noo that’s too much tickling!’ Or ‘EEK!’

Please remember children especially girls feel under pressure to be nice. At that age they shouldn’t have to ask their grandad to stop. Laughing will probably be a trauma response. A man they hardly know has suddenly started touching them.

You’ll have to say -stop. No tickling games please-
then distract with something.
I can’t stand tickling. I don’t allow it in the house.
you’ll have to risk causing offence if it happens

My DS is in specialist school and gets a taxi home. One of the other children kept saying he'll tickle DS. He was about this age - and we said to the school, this is not appropriate even if DS likes it. School agreed and he was no longer in a taxi with that boy.
Your DD are old enough to know some things are no longer appropriate - especially the 12 year old. Tell her you're going to stop Grandad doing this, even if she doesn't mind she's too old, just like her friend Amy used to have a bath with her brother when they were babies but they can't any more.
You can use similar words with your younger DD or put it differently.
FIL needs to be told firmly this will not happen, you are their mother and he can like it or lump it.

Disagree.

Its completely wrong to put this on them.
This moves responsibility to them.

They are children... they shouldnt need a fucking code word to stop their grandfather feeling them up....

Would you think this is all okay if it was your girls? If your DDs said they weren't bothered would you just sit there and watch him touch them up while getting an erection???

Terrible advice...

By all means discuss body autonomy generally but this specific incident should be dealt with by the grownups

For me, tickling was used by a relative as a means to break down barriers and abuse me so I get really triggered by it.

Nope, the responsibility to stop this does not lie with the children, and he shouldn’t be given the chance to escalate his behaviour. The mum needs to put her children first and just tell him not to do it again. If he goes in the huff that’s his problem, not hers.

So you have the assumption he’s a predator and also into incest?

As others have said, trust your gut. You are subconsciously picking up on something that is off. Talk to your husband but ultimately nip it in the bud and tell him to stop. If he refuses, I would cut contact.

If your children don’t want this they will tell him. I personally don’t like being tickled but it’s a personal choice.

Please listen to your gut on this one OP. It sounds really creepy. I don't know any girls (or boys) of that age who would be genuinely ok with this.

He's only recently started doing it and their 12 and 9? I think most kids that age would think it weird if a relative started doing that, especially as it's not something he's done all their lives.

Have the kids mentioned it?
I'd ask them how they feel about it.

I'd also talk to your kids about safe people, good and bad secrets, consent, boundaries, etc. I'm sure you'll have done some of this sort of stuff anyway but sadly it is a conversation we need to reiterate over the years with our kids.

They need to know you are a safe person they can trust and that they never have to feel uncomfortable to keep the peace or please someone else.

Also: don't dismiss your instincts. We have them for good reason.

Sadly I've experience of abusers using tickling to roughshod boundaries both as a child and as an adult and it is something I'm quite prickly and protective about.

I find this really sad. Why shouldn’t he tickle their knees? How is he allowed to show affection? Having said that I do believe in trusting your instincts but if the kids are laughing about it I’m not sure?

Not necessary info to share.

This.

YANBU. It is very likely innocent, but it's a bit weird NGL.

Tell your husband to tell him to stop it.

Tickling at that age is inappropriate. Trust instincts and protect girls with no own time with him

You can’t rely on the children or put that kind of responsibility on them.

Honesty is the best policy - ‘hey grandad, don’t tickle the kids, only pedophiles do that’ and see how that goes down.