To not like Grandad tickling grandkids??

[CrandyCrush]

Okay… I’m fully expecting to get flamed here. I’ve always got weird vibes about DH’s dad. Due to proximity, we don’t see much of him, and he has always made quite minimal effort with DC. However, DC are now 12 and 9 and he has started doing this thing where he comes over and tickles their legs (knee area). I don’t know why, but it’s making me uncomfortable, although the kids seem okay. I just find it weird for some reason. I obviously haven’t said anything to anyone irl because I have nothing other than a weird feeling.

Is it me? AIBU?

I tickled my kids when little (they loved being chased and “attacked”, cuddled them all the time, blew raspberries on their bellies, pretended to munch their chubby little feet- the lot!
My parents both always showed physical affection to my young children with hugs and kisses on the cheek (not British if that’s relevant).
BUT theres a way of doing that that is genuine and benign and a way that isn’t. It’s a feeling in the guts and you know it when you see it, you just do.

Yes I think this is actually more empowering for the girls. It's a stronger message plus a good dose of modelling how to do it.

If he’s made no effort until now, trust your gut

I’d agree with this. My grandad used to do something similar, but I lived with my grandparents for extended periods of my life and stayed with them frequently when I didn’t. My granddad did this when I was very small and was definitely not doing it when I was 12, in the same way I wasn’t sitting on his shoulders any more or putting make up on him. Relationships evolve organically as children grow up and this does seem a bit weird.

I had a much older male relative (step grandad) who used to tickle me until I was on the floor then bend over me. I hated it , I was 13-15 years old and fully developed. He would start at knees and move to thighs up to my chest. I struggled to say no and couldn't push him away. In the end thankfully he left ! Its not ok.

This

I was going to say that tickling little children is a delight for them and the grandparent-me. I was expecting the children to be under 6. To start this when they are older/pre teens is odd.

We have "spidy sense" for a reason. If it's making you uncomfortable, ask him to stop.

You are not at all being unreasonable. My grandfather used to tickle me and later tried to get his hands down my knickers. Luckily, I walked away (aged 12). Many years later, I found out that he regularly sexually abused my mother (aged 12) during the war (World War II) while her mother was out.

Yes, all of this. Who gives a fuck if you offend him? Tell him to get off your children. Their laughing could be masking discomfort. It is very creepy and very suspicious that it has started at this age. Don't let social niceties compromise your kids' safety and wellbeing. Don't be British about it.

I had an uncle like this. No consistent contact, hardly any contact at all, until I stayed there for a week on holiday. At which point it was made clear that uncle liked to give "his" guests baths, but only if they were early teens, obviously.
The entire family was in on it. The bathroom door key was removed and ostentatiously played with in front of me, to show me this was going to happen. That was my slightly older cousin who did that.
There was no touching, in fact no actual contact at all.
That doesn't alter the fact that the entire family were sick fucks who knew exactly what they were doing and there was nobody who was going to do anything about it, then or ever after.
Tell this man he either never behaves like this again or he can fuck off out of your lives forever. Personally, I think this speech is best done in public.
As for the reason it has to stop? Because you said so. The end.

Fair enough, but like you said, you have a responsibility to your girls. Advise that for the sake of their boundaries, that carry on cannot happen.

I'd also speak to your children and see how they feel.

At these ages, they should know about good touches and bad touches and any thing that feels wrong or weird, that they can come to you.

It only takes one time to ruin childhood forever. Good on you for looking out. If the father in law gets offended, well, he can look to his own feelings.

Do the kids like it? This is a consent issue for them not you. Make it clear to them that they can say stop anytime and it has to stop. Make it clear to him that if they say stop it has to stop. Then keep an eye until the girls have their boundaries in place.
You are basically intimating you think your husband’s dad, their Grandad, is a potential sex offender! Are you ready to back that up?

Sounds peculiar to me. He might think it's funny, but I would be very uncomfortable.

My SIL has on several occasions tried tickling my daughter (now 5 but this was when she was 3/4) I don’t feel it’s appropriate and spoke to her about this. My DH said I was overreacting until her sons 14 and 20 tried playing a game called ‘tickle to death’ with her. I spoke up and we left. Just because the children laugh doesn’t mean it’s acceptable, children often don’t feel confident speaking up for themselves against adults but I sure am!

Please speak to your FIL and tell him this isn’t acceptable and if he tries it again he is no longer welcome around your daughters x

Are you ready to guarantee 100% that he is not?

It is incredibly foolish and unfair to put that kind of responsibility on the children. By all means encourage and empower them to say no, but that should come on the bak of an adult saying no and standing up to him.

OP is a grown ass woman and she’s still worried about telling him no, but you expect 9 and 12 yos to do so?

Absolutely this - around puberty it’s more than ever times for hands off and respecting boundaries. If there had always been this game then it would feel less ‘off’ but to start it now wouldn’t sit right with me either.

I believe 100% that girls who know about consent, are used to putting boundaries in place, And have a good relationship with their mum are in a sterling position to protect themselves.
I do not believe that you should treat all men as sex offenders which is what you seem to be suggesting!
If you have worries about him being a sex offender, then you need to be discussing that within your family as it’s not just the two girls that are at risk. Like I said, if you think that is a possibility, you need to be able to back it up and you have a duty to share that with your relatives and your husband. Vague feelings based on personal preferences don’t cut it as this could destroy the family.
Which is more likely, an older man who doesn’t really know how to relate to girls and especially teenagers, falling back on the age old trick of tickling the grandkids to make a connection or he’s a sex offender?

Exactly this. If we as adults often struggle addressing an issue with someone in case we appear impolite / difficult / rude why do we expect preteens to do it?

Tell him directly to stop doing it. Ticking knees becomes tickling thighs and god knows where the touching happens next. Tell him to stop now, it has paedophile vibes about it and he shouldn’t be doing it. Short sharp shock will stop it. If it doesn’t, then he doesn’t see them.

Don’t be ridiculous, we live in a society where men think they can do so many things to women including touch them when not asked to do so. He needs to educate himself as to what is acceptable behaviour today with young girls.

Get your megaphone ready! At no point would anyone, male or female be putting their hands on my child. Forget all this shit about giggling, just a bit of fun, it's not. At best it will be embarrassing for your pubescent children, but the worst is just that. So for the sake of a few stern words, put your children first. An adult that cannot take criticism is a person who cannot regulate emotions or actions and will down play their actions and try to become the victim, no matter what they have done. Listen to your gut

Most child sexual abuse is committed by a family member, often a male blood relative. This is a fact that can be easily googled.

Anyone defending this behaviour as a kindly old grandad just playing with the kids, has clearly not read the OP correctly.
This is a man who, for whatever reason, has had very little contact with his grandchildren, from birth, up until recently. And one who now thinks it's entirely appropriate to suddenly play tickling games with them, when they are starting to develop.
We have instincts and intuition for a reason. And I'm damn sure a lot of adults today would have preferred their parents to have had those instincts and unwavering support of them, than have had to endure the horror of child abuse and the damage done that is carried into adulthood.

As for the comment about the grandma paedophile, yes, they do exist. I can guarantee that 100%. They don't have to be lesbians. You need to wake the fuck up.
After my childhood experiences, my maternal grandmother wasn't exactly the kind of woman I'd have had near my female kids, had I had any, let's just put it that way.

This man needs shutting down, tough shit if he gets offended and kicks off! If he does, then that's another red flag right there! Ever heard the saying, 'thou protesteth too much'?!

Why are some posters finding it hard to believe that a biological relative would be an abuser?

Most child sexual abuse is committed by someone in the child's family, often a biological male relative.