To not like Grandad tickling grandkids??

[CrandyCrush]

Okay… I’m fully expecting to get flamed here. I’ve always got weird vibes about DH’s dad. Due to proximity, we don’t see much of him, and he has always made quite minimal effort with DC. However, DC are now 12 and 9 and he has started doing this thing where he comes over and tickles their legs (knee area). I don’t know why, but it’s making me uncomfortable, although the kids seem okay. I just find it weird for some reason. I obviously haven’t said anything to anyone irl because I have nothing other than a weird feeling.

Is it me? AIBU?

I bloody hate tickling anyway- it’s so unpleasant and often used as a power move even between kids. It erodes boundaries. That’s even before we get into the older male relative x teenage girls thing. I agree that the best thing is to firmly say ‘they are too old for tickling games’

Your point doesn’t stand though.
The OP is posting about a situation which makes her uncomfortable, and another poster commented that women can and do orgasm whilst being raped.
Which highlights that even in incredibly traumatic situations, our bodies react whilst our mind is in utter turmoil.
Which then links to the fact that although OPs daughters laugh during the tickling happening, actually they may find it incredibly uncomfortable.
Women and girls are conditioned from a very early age to be compliant to men.

Yes, OP should DEFINITELY pander to the grandad in this situation.
Really??

YANB at all U. Its totally not appropriate at that age. My friend’s dad used to tickle us as teenagers and I hated it and found it so creepy but still laughed out of politeness and didn’t know how to tell him not to do it.

It’s really sad? It’s not though, is it? Not really sad. If you think this is sad, then you lead a very very sheltered life.

He just needs to behave. Tickling girls’ legs is not on.

Instead he could interact normally. Have a chat. A quick hug in greeting and good bye. Read a story. Play a board game. You know, all those normal things normal people do. Without agenda.

From personal experience, please stop this NOW.

It’s a grooming technique that can escalate very quickly. Don’t let your girls be alone with this man EVER and tell him straight he is not to touch / tickle them as it’s not appropriate. Ignore hissy fits or sulking - these are not your concern.

it made me shudder when I read this as this is how many years of SA started by my GF.

Better a mortified grandad than abused granddaughters, no???

Did I say pander?

I said tell him to stop, but try doing it privately first. If he refuses, then start saying it publicly.

And yes, really.

Seems odd to start it now they are older though I hate tickling at any age. I used to be tormented by my Dad and uncle with tickling. Difficult if the kids aren't finding it a problem but is their laughing just the reaction they feel they need to give? Can you ask them directly if it makes them feel uncomfortable?

Tell him to knock it off and keep his hands to himself. If he gets offended, tough.

Don't let them be alone with him or in close proximity. Tickling at this age is setting off my creep radar.

Your kids are at puberty or getting close. This sounds like he's testing their and your boundaries.

You are putting the grandfathers feelings first though, before the children.
Thats not ok, nor is his sudden tickling habit.

YANBU, I got weird vibes from a male in DH’s family and some “playful” things he was doing with DD. Me and DH would very sharply tell him to stop, it finally stopped after my DF told him sharply to cut it out. DD has no unsupervised time with him now. I may have been paranoid but I won’t regret it.

I remember being tickled by my uncle as a child. I laughed because I couldn’t control my response but I can tell you I hated it, and still cannot abide being tickled today. I think I told my mum I disliked it and she told him not to do it anymore if I remember rightly.
If I was you I would ask your daughters how they feel about their grandfather when your husband isn’t around and then ask your husband about his father’s behaviour towards him and others during his childhood.

Tell him to stop. Never leave them alone with him. Talk to the girls about not being afraid to say stop /no to people, and about inappropriate touching.
This gives me the creeps.

.

I’m saying tell the man to stop in private. If it works that saves everyone awkwardness including the children.

make a big deal if it is not needed and there is every chance the kids will turn on OP too.

the children’s needs are paramount but they are not prioritised if they are embarrassed. Why not just try having a quiet word? There is a chance the man will just say okay and never do it again

I think just tackle it when you next see it

just say stop it and not to do it again

I think it’s good role modelling for your daughters to do it openly - it will tell them you take it seriously and they can be serious about they don’t want

Why so t you just say they really don’t like being tickled so can you stop please

This is totally inaccurate.

Children are taught to respect their elders, listen to adults, do as they’re told etc. They do not have the adult brains to think or know that they can speak up in certain situations.

Girls especially are taught to smile and accept compliments or attention from men even when not wanted because if we don’t we’re rude.

Children are just that, children and they need adults to protect them from things they don’t even understand yet.

Because these two girls should see their parents advocating for them and see a good example of speaking up for yourself and your bodily autonomy.

It is not something to be ashamed of or to be hidden away.

“I’m sorry if you are offended but it is my duty to safeguard my daughters from inappropriate or unwanted physical contact - even if done so unintentionally. From now on I don’t want any tickling from male family members. You are not to question or discuss or challenge this with my daughters as this would also be inappropriate also. I am setting this boundary and I only ask that it be respected.

Your weird feeling is protective mother's instinct, he may start there but where could he finish?
Tell him that's a weird way to 'play'
And that you'll be keeping tabs on his behaviour whenever he visits and that you've spoken to your husband too
And if he's not happy
Tough
It's not written in stone about seeing ones grandchildren

Because hes largely absent and has shown little interest until they've become prepubescent.
And their mother has an instinctual visceral reaction to it.

I can think of 50 ways he could connect with his grandkids that dont involve touching their thighs.

Benefit of doubt and assuming good intent are 2 more social devices paedophiles and perverts exploit.

If a teacher / nursery staff are not allowed to tickle children.
It is very weird and I wouldnt do it to my nephews , I don't think I have ever tickled my children.
Tell him to stop , explain it's not what we do these days and it's unacceptable behaviour.

I’m not trying to be adversarial, but you really do seem to be prioritising the grandads feelings first.
I was very seriously sexually abused by my father, over 40 years ago. It still affects my life to this day.
Family members suspected what was happening, but told me years later that they never said anything, in case they were wrong or offended him.
If they had have spoken up in time, it may have stopped him eventually raping me.
So I have zero empathy towards older relatives acting completely inappropriately towards young female relatives.