To not like Grandad tickling grandkids??

[CrandyCrush]

Okay… I’m fully expecting to get flamed here. I’ve always got weird vibes about DH’s dad. Due to proximity, we don’t see much of him, and he has always made quite minimal effort with DC. However, DC are now 12 and 9 and he has started doing this thing where he comes over and tickles their legs (knee area). I don’t know why, but it’s making me uncomfortable, although the kids seem okay. I just find it weird for some reason. I obviously haven’t said anything to anyone irl because I have nothing other than a weird feeling.

Is it me? AIBU?

This. How strange he’s started these games when your children are at these ages. Trust your instinct. If he takes offence, tough, your children come before his hurt feelings.

@Poodlelove : "I don't think I have ever tickled my children."

I'm sure I will be torn apart for saying it, but I think it is truly sad if we are not even supposed to give our own children an occasional tickle. 😶

I taught my ds from a very early age that if anyone (no matter who it is) is doing something he doesn't like or feel comfortable with then he tells them to stop. If they don't stop immediately then he has my permission to shout it at them and he tells me/ another grown up. I also model this at home during our interactions.

I also dislike this kind of play from my fil but it's easier as ds will now pretty quickly say himself that he doesn't like it and then I will immediately back him up if fil doesn't stop immediately. I think you need to have a conversation with your girls and with your dh. If he chooses to be offended rather than adjusting his behaviour then let him and act accordingly.

Also I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with tickling. I tickle ds but you gauge it on the child, your relationship, ages and how comfortable they are. I would tickle a bit, stop the second ds asks me to and won't tickle again unless asked. I'll also pause at points to give ds the opportunity to instigate if he wants to keep playing in that way. There are ways to do it without being overbearing towards children. I feel their ages make it more inappropriate though. Trust your gut.

No it's true apparently. I have heard of this too.
I would just talk to your children. If they don't like it you back them up in telling him to stop. If they are fine with it then I wouldn't say anything but keep checking in with them if it worries you.

He’s touching their legs. That’s enough to tell him to stop. It’s inappropriate and creepy. The tickling is just to make it seem like a game.

This gives me the creeps - but then after years of rumours ‘the tickler’ I know was arrested for attempted rape.

Your FIL will try to pass it off as fun and say you are uptight. Trust your gut.

I am horrified by how many people think this is acceptable behaviour.

I agree - absolutely hate it but didn't realise how much til my male friend tickled my daughter and didn't seem to know when enough was enough - ibvs l stopped it sharpish - it makes you feel so vulnerable

say “ don’t touch my daughters like that” the next time he does it.
he’s touching your daughters and he doesn’t even know them
then follow up with “ I don’t like it and you make them have no choice, try talking to them instead”
he’s either an idiot or a predator

Tickling aside, young women and girls may giggle or laugh when men are pushing a boundary or being threatening. Not because they think it's funny, but consciously or not, as an appeasement strategy.

we Had a tickling uncle. Sexually abused almost every female in the family

speak up, his offense is not important.

A younger sibling of mines grandad

so not my bio grandad used to tickle me on my legs and then never made me feel like I’d be able to get up and move away and then in swimming pools he’d grab me around my waist by his legs and play it off as a game. Then we would use his laptop and found images of teens in their bikinis etc on his saved section if you wish. Then there was a couple of occasions where he came up the stairs and waited for me to get out the shower “ naturally coming up the stairs” he made it look he used to pull up my towel to have a look he’d say… I disclosed to my mother by calling him a swear word and she asked why and I told her then when she disclosed to her partner he went round there to check said laptop nothing not a single sign anywhere and nothing more was done but I stopped going and my mum was disgusted in the family they aren’t together anymore for other reasons but Jesus Christ it was rough.

so my point is advocate for your children and tell him and your partner he needs to stop and also don’t leave them there for overnights. It’s weird some people are just very touchy but it’s not always innocent.

off to name change now.

Start by talking to the girls. Ask them if they want you to stop him tickling them. Odds are they will say yes.

Children can put up with quite a lot they don't like before they get to the point of believing they are "allowed" to ask for it to stop, let alone following through on that. As long as you don't ask them the question, you will probably be unconsciously sending the message to them that you think it's acceptable.

I would just go with a general point that children are all taught bodily autonomy these days so we don't touch anyone without their permission. This goes for anything - tickling, hugs, treat it all as one. Shrug off any eye rolls or comments that come your way.

What? No 12 year old girl wants an old man touching her like that! Doubt the 9 year old does either! Gross and inappropriate, especially as he wasn't doing it when they were 3 and 6....

Pervy, unacceptable, and maybe a sign of dementia kicking in? He may mean no harm but so not ok!

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Either he's a completely innocent guy, trying to connect with his younger family members and can only think of this...

Or he's a completely pervy guy.

You don't want to f**k about and wait to find out which.

Next time he does it, you tell him very plainly, non aggressively, "they're too old to be tickled now, please don't"

That's a perfectly acceptable request and it's clear.

I'm telling you now, tickling hides a multitude of sins - take it from one who knows what it means to be 'tickled'. Some people here have been abused and some people here haven't been and it shows. Honestly, abuse can happen under the very noses of family members and often at the hands of family members.

And to echo what everyone else has said: just because they're laughing doesn't mean they're comfortable. And even if nothing worse would ever happen, their discomfort alone is worth pissing off some old man for.

This puts too much onus on the DD. It is for their mother OP to do this. Just tell him firmly not to tickle them. This should come from you OP. Your DD will learn from you what is and what is not acceptable and how to deal with situations. Just tell him not to tickle them. No reasons are necessary. Whatever you do, don't involve them in telling him, such as "They don't like it". That is not fair on them, and will give him the chance to triangulate and involve them in the conversation. You are the parent, what you say goes,and he has to respect that.

I get what you mean. However I think a quick "oh can you not do that, they don't actually like it" type of brief comment next time he does it should be enough or better still get his son to say it. Then very quickly move the conversation on to something completely different.

The first thought that came to mind for me was 'hiding in plain site.' This is how wrong uns get away with it for so long.

Hopefully the above isn't the case, but if I was in your shoes and it happened again, I'd have to say something along the lines of; the girls don't like being tickled grandad. If it was challenged or brushed off, I'd repeat myself. I wouldn't be silenced.

Do not doubt yourself when it comes to protecting your babies. If you feel it isn't okay, then is probably isn't, and you have every right to speak up and stop it. You may feel incredibly uncomfortable, but not saying anything and watching it happen (if it happens again) will feel worse.

This is so true and when I think back to younger years at the shit I put up with I feel furious. I wish I knew then how to assert myself. It's so important we advocate for girls (and sometimes each other) as hard as it can be. ❤️

If he is "innocent" he will be genuinely mortified if told to stop. The offence reaction is much more likely to be if he is perving on them. Trust your instincts OP. Don't ask your girls about it - they are too young to take that responsibility. You tell him to stop - simple as that - no explanations needed, no discussions. Your say so prevails.

It sounds weird if he hasn't played like this when they were young children. Why now out of the blue? It doesn't sound like it's his normal character up until now. My FIL does not play with my children at all and I would find it very strange if he started doing this.

It's a weird thing to start doing now. Tell him to stop. trust your gut.

"... he has always made quite minimal effort with DC. However, DC are now 12 and 9 and he has started doing this thing ..."
Paedophilia is sexual attraction to prepubescent children. There is also hebephilia, sexual attraction to children in early adolescence, say 11 - 14. It could be that your eldest was not attractive to him before, but now she is. He tickles the 9 year old too, as camouflage.

"The kids were laughing at it. What do I say the reason is that he’s to stop?"
'Stop that! You look like a pervert! I will not have my girls taught to allow grown men to touch them.'

Laughter is a reflex reaction to being tickled, completely involuntary. Laughter does not indicate enjoyment.

"He’s a stubborn, fairly easily offended type of guy. This will not go down well, but my responsibility is to my girls."
I wouldn't give a flying fuck if he was offended. I might even take great pleasure in it. And I would face my husband down if he went all wannabe-non-confrontational because 'it's his dad' - he should be more alert to the safety of his daughters.

Just say it’s not appropriate modern times and all that.

agree with others go with gut.

100%.