Page 9 | AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

tizzy13 · 2025-12-28T19:49:14+00:00

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this… My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU. Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding. He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends. He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly. I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy. All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down. I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family… I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle. I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy. He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised. Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

Millytante · 29/12/2025 21:42

Loadsapandas · 29/12/2025 21:23

Why would you think you’d pissed me off? Why would any online random be able to piss someone off? Are you projecting?

No need to apologise, I was just pointing out that either you misread my post or you are just wrong.

Read my posts again. I am clearly referring to DSD (and NOT DP) mum as was the poster who was ‘guessing’ DSD mum must be behind this nonsense.

I won’t derail the OP thread further, so don’t expect a response here.

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😂

Ignored124 · 29/12/2025 21:45

I think he’s still with his ex in some way . Please let us know when you boot him out OP ? You deserve so much better .

Beenwhereyouareagain · 29/12/2025 21:46

EmeraldShamrock000 · 28/12/2025 20:30

So he sees the baby the other 24 nights in the month. I can understand why he wants 1on1 as he does not have much time with her.
Can he go to court to have a better custody arrangement. It seems like he is feeling guilty on his first DC.
This visit over Christmas is too long but on normal months I can see why he feels that he needs to concentrate on DD1.
The 4 year olds are very young for this confusion.

But it's not 24 nights with the baby, is it? This month, he already had 4 nights with dd4 on his regular EOWs. Now he's also left @tizzy13 home alone with a 4-year-old and a shared infant- basically a newborn- for 8 days initially and more now because she's rightfully disgusted! No help with the Christmas meal, nothing. Never mind that she's exhausted with on demand breastfeeding, taking care of an infant and still recovering from a C-section.

He left her completely alone on Christmas Day! No presents from him to his stepson, also 4, none to his baby, and none to his partner. None from his parents, either, even if only for their new grandson.

His explanation doesn't hold water; obviously his dd4 is a priority but he has another biological child now, one he's ignored for the past week and a half. At this point, he's been away from the baby 14 days and nights, or more. Or half of December. He's had a holiday, basically. He can't bond that way.

I hope the OP will realize how much strength she has and use that when making a decision about taking him back. Her other children will be hurt and confused if this continues, and he obviously doesn't want to blend families.

Ignored124 · 29/12/2025 21:48

Beenwhereyouareagain · 29/12/2025 21:46

But it's not 24 nights with the baby, is it? This month, he already had 4 nights with dd4 on his regular EOWs. Now he's also left @tizzy13 home alone with a 4-year-old and a shared infant- basically a newborn- for 8 days initially and more now because she's rightfully disgusted! No help with the Christmas meal, nothing. Never mind that she's exhausted with on demand breastfeeding, taking care of an infant and still recovering from a C-section.

He left her completely alone on Christmas Day! No presents from him to his stepson, also 4, none to his baby, and none to his partner. None from his parents, either, even if only for their new grandson.

His explanation doesn't hold water; obviously his dd4 is a priority but he has another biological child now, one he's ignored for the past week and a half. At this point, he's been away from the baby 14 days and nights, or more. Or half of December. He's had a holiday, basically. He can't bond that way.

I hope the OP will realize how much strength she has and use that when making a decision about taking him back. Her other children will be hurt and confused if this continues, and he obviously doesn't want to blend families.

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Not just that, he clearly doesn’t even want a relationship . It’s really sad . OP doesn’t deserve this :( .

Original poster

tizzy13 · 29/12/2025 21:50

He is definitely not with his ex. She has a new partner herself. We are very publicly in a relationship on SM etc. It’d very unlikely he’s having an affair.
A lot of comments are right though - he gets waited on hand and foot at his Mothers. She cooks, does his laundry, babysits, lets him do whatever he wants. Obviously I do housework too but it’s limited with a newborn so he does have to chip in here. He gets to go there and only be responsible for DSD (with backup from GP if she has tantrums or misbehaves) so obviously quite likes that.
He was spoilt growing up and I think he’s never quite grown up unfortunately.

Thanks for the snarky comments. I’m sorry not all of us have perfect lives and if I knew this was how things were going to be we wouldn’t have had a baby but there’s not a whole lot I can change now so bashing me for it isn’t exactly helpful is it. I will be focusing on my DC going forwards and ending the relationship.

OP posts:

Ignored124 · 29/12/2025 21:54

tizzy13 · 29/12/2025 21:50

He is definitely not with his ex. She has a new partner herself. We are very publicly in a relationship on SM etc. It’d very unlikely he’s having an affair.
A lot of comments are right though - he gets waited on hand and foot at his Mothers. She cooks, does his laundry, babysits, lets him do whatever he wants. Obviously I do housework too but it’s limited with a newborn so he does have to chip in here. He gets to go there and only be responsible for DSD (with backup from GP if she has tantrums or misbehaves) so obviously quite likes that.
He was spoilt growing up and I think he’s never quite grown up unfortunately.

Thanks for the snarky comments. I’m sorry not all of us have perfect lives and if I knew this was how things were going to be we wouldn’t have had a baby but there’s not a whole lot I can change now so bashing me for it isn’t exactly helpful is it. I will be focusing on my DC going forwards and ending the relationship.

Ignore the snarky comments. Theres lots of step mum haters on mumsnet . Just keep moving forward and put yourself first . Things will get better for you .
i had a baby with someone who behaved like your ex , but I could not have predicted it . If you get out now, you will save so much grief .
All the best

Original poster

tizzy13 · 29/12/2025 21:57

Ignored124 · 29/12/2025 21:54

Ignore the snarky comments. Theres lots of step mum haters on mumsnet . Just keep moving forward and put yourself first . Things will get better for you .
i had a baby with someone who behaved like your ex , but I could not have predicted it . If you get out now, you will save so much grief .
All the best

Edited

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Thank you. I have always been very respectful to DSD and her DM - never got in any arguments and kept my distance. Treated her as my own. Bought her presents for birthdays, Christmas, Easter the same as my DS. We had her every weekend at my home from March - July and I away welcomed her. I’m not some wicked, jealous crazy woman lol. Maybe slightly hormonal and exhausted though.

OP posts:

IkeaJesusChrist · 29/12/2025 21:59

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Wrenjay · 29/12/2025 22:01

You are a good Mum trying your best in difficult circumstances. I think you deserve better.

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 29/12/2025 22:02

LittlePetitePsychopath · 28/12/2025 19:52

They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house

You need to know why. There’s no future to this relationship if he intends to keep you completely separate from his daughter.

Although I’m not sure there’s much of a future anyway. He’s shown you what he thinks of you. I’m sorry he’s such a dick but sadly you know where you stand.

This. He’s a DP, not a DH as some other people have wrongfully stated, and that makes a big difference here. You had a child before him, he had a child before you, and now, you have a child together. All of this screams to me that he’s not intending to stay with you long-term and doesn’t want his daughter’s first Christmas she’ll remember to include you. I noticed you said you got bunk beds for your son and his daughter to share. Does the daughter have her own room at her grandparents? Is that why he wants her there only? Either way, it shows he’s not committed to you. Prepare for your baby to get the weekends that his daughter doesn’t get - it sounds like he likes being a dad every two weeks for two days, not every day.

Needspaceforlego · 29/12/2025 22:05

Hope you are ok
You've had a hard few months.
I wish you tons of luck in the future

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/12/2025 22:12

Oh… and why are you bringing your families into this. Sit down with him and have the conversation not with his parents there. That’s just kind of weird.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 29/12/2025 22:12

You say it's your house.

Does he pay rent or is he a cock lodger?

namechangetheworld · 29/12/2025 22:16

Millytante · 29/12/2025 21:42

😂

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Because nothing says 'you haven't pissed me off' like an angry, four paragraph rant 😂

Deckmylawn · 29/12/2025 22:21

I knew it was laziness. Some men manipulate situations to do the minimum. He pretends it’s so he can have 121 time with his daughter but he just wants to do the minimum with the grandparents babysitting leaving you with a new born baby. Other men use work to avoid parenting or hobbies.

Vound · 29/12/2025 22:26

This is a lot to be juggling on top of parenting 2 children essentially solo including such a new and high needs baby. I think I'd struggle to even get dressed.

Best of luck @tizzy13 . I am so glad you have your family backing you. Don't be afraid to ask them for more help. I'm sure you would gladly do it for one of them if they needed it.

Loadsapandas · 29/12/2025 22:29

tizzy13 · 29/12/2025 21:50

He is definitely not with his ex. She has a new partner herself. We are very publicly in a relationship on SM etc. It’d very unlikely he’s having an affair.
A lot of comments are right though - he gets waited on hand and foot at his Mothers. She cooks, does his laundry, babysits, lets him do whatever he wants. Obviously I do housework too but it’s limited with a newborn so he does have to chip in here. He gets to go there and only be responsible for DSD (with backup from GP if she has tantrums or misbehaves) so obviously quite likes that.
He was spoilt growing up and I think he’s never quite grown up unfortunately.

Thanks for the snarky comments. I’m sorry not all of us have perfect lives and if I knew this was how things were going to be we wouldn’t have had a baby but there’s not a whole lot I can change now so bashing me for it isn’t exactly helpful is it. I will be focusing on my DC going forwards and ending the relationship.

I’m sorry OP, it must be awful to realise how shit he’s like this.

I’m not being snarky either, you are PP after a horrid time, made Christmas plans (your first together?) for him to drop you for a long period.

that’s a lot.

Look after yourself, because your emotions and hormones must be all over the place.

You’ve done it solo before, you are doing it solo now you don’t need him - you’ll be fine.

💐

FeistyFrankie · 29/12/2025 22:45

tizzy13 · 29/12/2025 21:50

He is definitely not with his ex. She has a new partner herself. We are very publicly in a relationship on SM etc. It’d very unlikely he’s having an affair.
A lot of comments are right though - he gets waited on hand and foot at his Mothers. She cooks, does his laundry, babysits, lets him do whatever he wants. Obviously I do housework too but it’s limited with a newborn so he does have to chip in here. He gets to go there and only be responsible for DSD (with backup from GP if she has tantrums or misbehaves) so obviously quite likes that.
He was spoilt growing up and I think he’s never quite grown up unfortunately.

Thanks for the snarky comments. I’m sorry not all of us have perfect lives and if I knew this was how things were going to be we wouldn’t have had a baby but there’s not a whole lot I can change now so bashing me for it isn’t exactly helpful is it. I will be focusing on my DC going forwards and ending the relationship.

So the real reason he abandoned you over Christmas was because he wanted to be pampered and fussed over, and as you're (very reasonably!!) busy caring for your newborn, your DP isn't getting the special treatment he's accustomed to?

I think that what he's done is utterly unforgivable. He's just using his DD as an excuse to opt out of the hard bits of having a baby, isn't he? And his mother is enabling his neglect by hosting him and fussing over him. It's pretty cruel, and I don't say that lightly.

Mummy's boys make awful partners because they won't prioritise you. This is clear example of him not prioritising you. I'd say it's deal breaker. I'm not sure I could forgive my own partner for walking out on me in this way.

EatingTillIDie · 29/12/2025 22:59

Yeah others have called it. He wants every other weekend off from you and the kids to be looked after by his parents. If he brings the child to you in the situation you are in he realises he ought to actually do childcare and housework. Doesn't fancy it. What a complete arse. I am sorry and hope you find a way through it.

ASimpleLampoon · 29/12/2025 23:03

What were you expecting from a man who couldn't stay with the mother of his existing child for more than a few years or less?

MinecraftMum40 · 29/12/2025 23:14

If he’s going to his parents to see his daughter it’s probably because of the usual reason-so the grandparents can do everything ( well the grandma). He sounds awful OP, he’s being completely unreasonable and you’ve every right to be furious with him.

novalia89 · 29/12/2025 23:33

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you are being selfish. You were aware that other children existed before you had your child and therefore other children had needs. Your child has no concept of Christmas whatsoever, but there is another child who is excited for Christmas. Let her have it with her dad.

Namechangerage · 29/12/2025 23:52

Wait, you have been together 2 years, so you got pregnant after just over a year of being together. So you started trying for a baby within your first year of being together, when he had a 2 year old?? And you had a 2 year old - and moved a strange man into the house after being in a relationship barely a year. I’m not surprised it’s all going pear shaped.

nomoremsniceperson · 29/12/2025 23:52

novalia89 · 29/12/2025 23:33

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you are being selfish. You were aware that other children existed before you had your child and therefore other children had needs. Your child has no concept of Christmas whatsoever, but there is another child who is excited for Christmas. Let her have it with her dad.

Frankly it is insane to say she is being selfish to expect he should be with her and her high-needs premature newborn and son for 5 days at Christmas. She just spent xmas alone and stressed with 2 small children. He also knew she had a 4 year old when they got together, a 4 yo who has just probably had an awful Christmas because his mum is so stressed. Why didn't he just bring his daughter to hers?
Your position is nonsensical. This man's behaviour is nothing to do with caring for his daughter and everything to do with ducking out of caring for his newborn so he can be waited on by his mum at her house.

PayrollSSP · 29/12/2025 23:53

Like many women, you’ve been dealt a bad hand with this partner of yours. He’s very selfish and manipulative and in my opinion you’re better off without him as he will continually let you down and put his own needs and interests above yours. He should be there supporting you in these early weeks of having a newborn but you’re there literally holding the baby and it must be so isolating, frustrating and upsetting for him to treat you like this. I’m angry on your behalf and I would be considering separating from him. It’s helpful that he’s not on the tenancy agreement of your property. You’re better off without this man as your partner. He doesn’t add any value to your life or act like a partner should and you’ve seen his true colours now.