AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

[tizzy13]

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

You and the baby should be husband priority. You have made it nice so his dc can stay. I would be questioning whether he is committed to the relationship with you.
Would it have been the end of the world for the dc to enjoy Christmas with the family and get to know their siblings.
How does dp get more quality time staying with his mummy and daddy? I'm sure grandma would spend a lot of time with the dc, so how does that work?
There is absolutely no reason for dp to stay with his mummy and daddy instead of being at home with you.
It seems you will have problems later on with his dc if the family is kept apart now.
Perhaps dp doesn't actually want to be in a committed relationship.
I may be reading too much into this but having been through a marriage where he went "home" to his parents instead of coming back to our "house", this situation strikes me as apron strings.
Dp needs to behave responsibly.

I really don’t see a future in this relationship.

As a fellow breastfeeding new mother who’s son was discharged from SCBU just before Christmas (he was born at 27+4 weeks as in hospital for 59 days) I am furious and sad on your behalf. To consider my partner wouldn’t be there to celebrate his first Christmas as a family is unthinkable. After everything we’ve gone through. I know how hard it is having a baby in NICU, and YANBU to expect the father to be present and participate in family life. Also, what about the days when your child is cluster feeding and you need help?? It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to blend families, but he’s not invested. What a shit situation for you to be in. You deserve far better. X

You set up family with a man who hasn’t even let you be a part of his daughters life? He has no plans on blending families, he expects you to take back seat whilst he sees his dd whilst neglecting you and the newborn? Why did you decide to have a child with this man?

Things won’t get better, they will get worse. His previous relationship didn’t work out for a reason?

This relationship isn’t going to workout, you will end up resenting his child (and his family) which will be unfair on his daughter and unfair on yourself and your dc.

Also, who the fuck are the 15% that thinks YABU?!

It’s suspicious. Is he a lazy parent? I wonder if he only spends time with his daughter at his parents because they help with parenting? Maybe he just sits around and gets weighted on hand and foot whilst his mum babysits? If at yours he would have to be a hands on dad?

I can totally understand why your DH go to his parents to spend time with his DD, he hardly sees her, Christmas is a special time and 4 is completely to magical age whereas a baby it really doesn’t matter. Where you say if he’s there with you he helps with your DS well this is exactly why he doesn’t want to be there, he wants to be looking after his DD and only his DD.

I don’t really understand why you didn’t go there for Christmas Lunch, it seems you wanted to play the martyr with this.

OP affirmed that his mother dislikes her, which is the bit I was responding to.

Of course, that well may something she gleaned only from this man.
He has perhaps good reason to widen a division between his two families, ensuring no accidental data leaks occur in terms of whatever the fuck he thinks he is playing at, for example. The exact status of his supposedly disbanded previous household, how much time he spends there still etc 🕵🏻‍♀️
If he says his mum is being obstructive, he has given himself a very handy ‘out’.

Probably people who only read the title. Initially I thought BU just because a 4 year old will have some memories and a newborn won’t, it makes no difference to them.

But reading the whole context changes it a lot. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s trying to reconnect with his DD’s mother or something along those lines.

It sounds like he's trying to kill 2 birds with one stone by having his dd at his parents house so they also get to see her? I don't know why he couldn't just be honest about that though

It doesn't excuse his lack of flexibility considering it's Christmas and how he's treating your new baby together.

How was he when baby was in the hospital? He sounds very cold and detached

The post of mine that you was picking apart wasn’t in relation to DP mum, but in response to another poster trying to blame DSD mum.

I cannot see anywhere that DSD mum has insisted DSD doesn’t stay at OPs house.

You might want to check your facts next time, especially if it’s right there in black and white.

He was so excited to have a son when we found out baby was a boy too, as he always wanted a son...

I'm sorry, but if your families were truly blended didnt he already have a son in your 4YO? I don't think this is going to pan out like you imagined. Sorry, OP.

Sacred Heart! I only answered what was said people automatically blaming women for anything that goes wrong: in this instance, OP actually said his mother disliked her, against that broader background of her possibly laying down the law about who goes where.
I never even mentioned ‘DSD’.

I wasn’t picking apart your post at all, but I apologise for pissing you off.

Are you sure you aren’t the side peice? This sounds so very odd.

Could be that mum doesn’t want dd at your house, could be that dd doesn’t like your ds4 as much as you think. You mentioned he can’t play properly at in laws house, but they have a 4yo regularly so does that mean your son is a lot more active and full on than she is? And the way you’ve described that having then at your place makes life easier for you because you can just focus on baby, ds and dd can get hyped up together, seeing that from your partners side I do understand why that would feel that he’s spending a lot of time on a child that’s not his rather than possibly calmer and more structured contact with dd at his parents place.

In general I kind of support his position. If you were to split you’ll still have lots of time managing both kids so I don’t see that that helps you too much. For such a long time over Christmas that’s rough, I’d not be happy with that either.

Overall I’d try to find out how DP wants to be involved with your older son. Imo it’s not reasonable for him to say he wants no involvement there but it is reasonable that he wants to limit how much your ds4 interrupts or changes his very limited time with his daughter. That seems to be what he’s tried to communicate already.

@tizzy13 you’ve made some odd statements

My DS and his DD get on SO well, they have similar interests and my DS is always always excited if I say we’re going to see her.

Is his DD excited to see him?

I actually find it easier when they play together to tend to the baby as my DS is playing happily with her than demanding things off me and trying to share me all the time.

So you use her as a distraction for your son?

Yeah we visit his parents fairly often and I bring my DS over occasionally,

Where does your son go the rest of the time, if not with you and partner to his parents?

I really struggle to balance my children’s needs when alone, when he’s here he will help with my DS4 whilst I feed the baby or take a shower or something. It feels impossible on my own.

Realistically how much 1:1 time is DD getting if your partner is taking care of all 3?

Overall…Can you not see how his DD is going through an adjustment since the new baby arrived? It’s hard enough at that age for kids to understand, but she also doesn’t live there full time so already feels like an outsider… add a new baby to the mix and yeah that’s going to be hard for a 4 year old.

Hate to break it to you but his daughter’s feelings should be more important than yours, just as your son’s feelings should be more important than his. Now you both need to figure out how to make the family work or your youngest will suffer.

Good luck and maybe have the hard conversations before bringing more kids into this mess.

He is never going to put you first. You cannot rely on him.
The sooner you come to realise that the sooner you can make a realistic plan for your future. He will continue to breeze in and out while you pay the bills if you let him.

This is so wrong, to leave you for over a week to stay at his Mum’s who doesn’t even like Christmas? What’s the point of that?! His DD would have had a lovely time with her step/half brothers. He could have seen DD and parents Friday-Sunday and then back for the Christmas build up of all the kids together for baby’s first Christmas. I’d be absolutely livid!

It seems extremely weird that he doesn't want his daughter to spend time with you and your / his son as a family. You need to get to the bottom of what's going on.

Why would you think you’d pissed me off? Why would any online random be able to piss someone off? Are you projecting?

No need to apologise, I was just pointing out that either you misread my post or you are just wrong.

Read my posts again. I am clearly referring to DSD (and NOT DP) mum as was the poster who was ‘guessing’ DSD mum must be behind this nonsense.

I won’t derail the OP thread further, so don’t expect a response here.

Very strange sounds like he’s still having a relationship with the mother hence keeping the daughter away from your house as she is likely to spill the beans at that age. He sounds awful it won’t get any better maybe he thinks that the baby doesn’t understand Xmas yet so it’s okay

You’ve got to split with this guy . It’s not a relationship anyway . I wish you all the best , please focus on you and your two children

Thank God, don’t ever put him on the tenancy. At least this is your home. Dump him. He’s treating you like a dirty secret, you deserve better. It will be hard on your own but better that than being treated and hurt so badly by a man who is supposed to care for or love you.

Thank god the house is yours.

Boot him. Tell him he can come back to collect his stuff from outside after his daughter goes back to her mother's. But you're done.

You had it right when you said you're second best and not a priority. No gifts for you for Christmas while he dumped you with HIS baby over the holidays so he could be looked after by his parents with his 4 year old. He's a cunt.

Please when you break up with this man don’t rush into having a baby with your next partner.