AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

[tizzy13]

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

My crystal ball can see many instances of the boyfriend enjoying quality time with a four-year old girl by going off to football and pints with his non-negotiable mates and male relatives, while his mother happily looks after the child.

He now has a son ‘on ice’, so to speak, but until he’s able to interact with him lad to lad, will carry on blithely letting OP’s importance in his life trail far behind his mother’s household and its broader family circle.

2 years in, a child together and he won’t tell you why he won’t blend your family to make a whole one. With the best will in the world, you can not change anything and he won’t make those changes so there seems to be little point continuing the relationship as a huge part of it is such a mess.

I wouldn’t honestly end it but be prepared for him to not be as an involved father with your little baby as he is with his daughter as he’s shown very little regard for either of you so far.

Hey OP,

it sounds like your really trying to be part of the little girls life and he’s trying to keep it all separate.
Yeah fair if you were just dating but you’ve just had a baby together!

Do you think his DDs mum might not be allowing his daughter to be around you?
Maybe threatening to stop access etc?
just a thought as otherwise it’s really odd behaviour on his part especially when your clearly really accommodating towards her.

Could something have happened with your older son that you're not aware of? That apart, I can't see any reason for him justifiably behaving this way in respect of each of the things you've mentioned.

Just out of interest, what are his plans next Christmas and the next one and all the other future Christmases when both of his children, and your son, want to see him.

Will he dump you and your shared child when his daughter is 8 and your shared son is 4?

It all seems impossible to manage going forward........what about summer holidays, etc.....

Lots of reasons he is unconnected to you OP, so all red flags. Unless he voluntarily tells you the truth in all of this, I think you should disconnect him from your life (not DC) and go to court for CM. His access in future to be determined by the Court when DC is older.

There is, sadly, no more relationship between you. This was made clear over Christmas and the lack of presents and contact.

So sorry for your situation. Hugs to you and your DCs.

He sounds checked out. You have an infant very recently out of NICU that he can't be bothered with. He's spending EOW at his parents.

I think having a sit down with his parents is a really bad idea. He's an adult and makes his decisions about his daughter and you need to hash this out with him, not them. Especially since you say his mom is funny with you. They're not going to give you answers if he refuses.

For whatever reason, your partner has gone back to a separate family situation and will not be blending families. That's his decision. Unfortunately, he's made it clear that your family is not his priority when it comes to holidays and events, his daughter is.

You need to decide if you can live with that kind of setup and being ignored on major holidays as well as him being out of the home on those and EOW.

I do wonder if his parents have anything to do with this set up - speaking from experience. When I met my now husband, he had a 7 year old DD. His mother treated her like her daughter and had full control over both of them. I was never asked around to her house and she found any opportunity to ruin anything I planned with him and daughter. I did eventually snap after a couple of years and put rules in place or it was over. It worked but my MIL pushed back to the point that my husband now doesn't speak to her. Ive been with my husband nearly 14 years and he hasn't spoken to his mum or family in 6 years. I would suggest trying to tell your partner what you want and need and see what he does and how he reacts.

You poor woman, that is absolutely disgusting. Your supposed to be his partner yet he has left you alone at Xmas with his baby and his SC while she swans off to play happy families with his no doubt (narcissist mother) I cannot imagine being the kind of mother in law who does not want to see her new grandchild at Xmas along with your little one which she should be including too surly. I feel like this is unforgivable.

you will be ok without this man!! Please be strong for your two little ones. Your children deserve better than this.

no year fresh start

Is there a possibility that he is actually still in a relationship with DD Mum ? And he’s balancing both families. He sounds like a total twat

I wonder is it quality time though? Or does he laze about at his mums and his mum runs around after his DD?

Can you point me to where the OP confirmed it was mum who has stopped DSD being in her house?

2 years together and you've already got a baby.

Another rush to blend families and the kids suffer.

How long after meeting did he move in with you?

It's all a bit of a mess OP.

I would end the relationship before forming any further bond with his daughter. It's not fair on anyone involved. He doesn't seem to want you in her life. It's not going to work.

Sadly this was my first thought upon reading the thread 😔

I've only read your posts op but was there some blurred lines between the end of his relationship with his dds mum and the start of yours? Or did their relationship end poorly / become bad in the course of the split?
I suspect this is much more to do with placating her Mum than it is to do with Dd or your dp. Especially if you've got comfortable space for her and her siblings / step siblings there to play with.
Your dp needs to sort out a better custody agreement through the court.

Ugh. This man sounds selfish and immature. Was he always like this, or is it new behaviour? Either way, he left you on Xmas Day with two kids? No gifts, no real thought at all? Maintain and lean on your IRL support network op. I doubt he’s going to shape up, so it’s only a matter of time before you run out of patience, put your kids first, and dump this twat. Maybe do that sooner rather than later. Sorry.

Are you sure he wasn’t with her and her mum?

When he finally rocks up tell him to pack his bags and get out. Its your tenancy and he doesnt even seem to contribute. Hes a user

Its weird, it sounds like suddenly he is only allowed supervised visits with his DD and his parents are the nominated supervisor.

Does he have his DD on the understanding that it's at his parents and that you are not involved with her? But, why no presents off him or his parents, it sounds as if your not accepted by them to me. You need to have a serious talk when he comes back about what's going on,

Your partner sounds like an awful human being in my opinion. I get that he wants to see his daughter, which is understandable but it’s awful that he left you on your own for Christmas. Not even a small present. Get rid of him. You don’t need this person in your life, how do you cope with this all year round?

”He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.”

But you’ll remember won’t you? How he left you alone for a week with a newborn and didn’t even buy you a Christmas present.

i have to say I think he’s over this relationship and is treating you like crap, and removing his daughter from your house because he’s either planning to end it or hoping you will and save him the trouble.

How's things today OP?

Why are you putting up with this? He isn’t a partner and he and his family sound horrible. He could stay away permanently, in my opinion

. At least if I involve the grandparents they can tell me any information he has potentially left out.

Thinking about it OP, you clearly don’t trust your DP as here you insinuate that he’s hiding something from you and you also haven’t been given a clear explanation as to why things have changed.
I’m leaning towards supervised visits…

You’ve also said his mum is ‘tricky’ - are you sure she’s not stuck between a rock and a hard place with her useless son, doesn’t want to get too close to you as she assumes it will end in tears and/or is embarrassed of her DS behaviour?