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Original poster

To refuse to drive even though I MAY be under limit?

593 replies

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 21:33

I’ve known ‘D’P for around 9 months. We don’t live together.
I’ve divided my time over Christmas driving between him and my friends and family,
Today we’d arranged that I would stay at his.
Things have been a bit tense lately due to a hopefully temporary restriction on his driving ( health related), but today has been great.
We have been happy staying in and chilling, cooking together, lots of laughter. For the first time this Christmas I’ve been able to have a couple of alcoholic drinks.
Around 10 minutes ago his adult son phoned him for a lift. Clearly he couldn’t do this but instead of saying no, or suggesting a taxi he seemed to expect that I would do it.
I said no, I had had alcohol and would not be driving.
He started off trying to persuade me, saying I probably wasn’t over the limit, he would have done it if it wasn’t for his medical problem, etc.
I have been driving for many years and I never drive after drinking alcohol. I could possibly have had a glass or two of wine over Christmas, but I didn’t as I feel that there is no safe limit.
Things progressed and he is getting more insistent and unreasonable.
I’ve shut myself in the bathroom to get away and gather my thoughts.

OP posts:
berightorbehappy · 28/12/2025 21:31

I’m a bit late to the post but l just wanted to come on here and say a big WELL DONE YOU ! You stood your ground in very difficult circumstances and didn’t cave in under bullying . I would never want someone to drink and drive and he should have told his son at the beginning that you were out of the equation. There’s nothing more unattractive than a man not respecting your decisions …and men who don’t aren’t worth being in a relationship with . Glad you found out what a tos*er he is now !

pinkpony88 · 28/12/2025 21:32

Absolutely not!

TheM55 · 28/12/2025 21:33

You have done the right thing throughout, not endangering others, and not putting up with being used as a taxi driver (long distances too !) for all and sundry when they have not prepared or taken responsibility for themselves. I wish everyone could do the same. Your posts are great, and credit to you and your son. If this is your treatment when dating, it would be far worse when more entrenched. Sorry you have had to go through a difficult evening because of everyone else !! xx

popupandsayhi · 28/12/2025 23:18

Relieved to see you’re safe and he is dumped. What an awful situation and what an arse that man was. You’re well clear of more mess!

custardcreme77 · 29/12/2025 04:45

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2025 10:04

wow. Just read all of this. First glad your son picked you up and you are safe

i don’t get why the son would ring his dad asking for a lift knowing he can’t drive

you have been wonderful driving ex /being his taxi

he will have to do it himself now
via bus /taxi etx

sorry it’s ended tho he sounds a bully and unappreciative so it’s for the best and thank god you didn’t move in with him

Edited

I think the father and son prearranged that the son would ring when he was ready to be picked up. The father - wrongly - assumed that the OP would do his bidding and act as a taxi.

LaMelodieduBonheur · 29/12/2025 08:19

custardcreme77 · 29/12/2025 04:45

I think the father and son prearranged that the son would ring when he was ready to be picked up. The father - wrongly - assumed that the OP would do his bidding and act as a taxi.

Show quote history

I don't think so: he wouldn't have poured her a second drink if he had known his son was going to ask for a lift and "not being over the limit" would be necessary.

Stucknstoopit · 29/12/2025 08:38

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 28/12/2025 18:20

Thank you. That’s kind of you.
I do feel a bit like I’ve dodged a bullet, and it’s a good thing he showed his true colours relatively early.
If I’m honest I was already a bit uncomfortable about a couple of things, so ending things now was probably for the best.

Show quote history

He sounds a complete pig. Sorry it was so horrible, sounds intimidating, glad you saw his true colours sooner rather than later.

just out of interest what were the other couple of things that made you feel uncomfortable?
you don’t have to share but I’m just curious because I was in a relationship where I overlooked red flags early on including a drink drive incident (massively denied and downplayed.

Original poster
Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 29/12/2025 11:04

Stucknstoopit · 29/12/2025 08:38

He sounds a complete pig. Sorry it was so horrible, sounds intimidating, glad you saw his true colours sooner rather than later.

just out of interest what were the other couple of things that made you feel uncomfortable?
you don’t have to share but I’m just curious because I was in a relationship where I overlooked red flags early on including a drink drive incident (massively denied and downplayed.

Show quote history

Thank you for asking, as I am not sure whether the things seem worse with the benefit of hindsight, or I should have picked up on them earlier.

I drive through necessity. I wouldn’t say I was a natural driver, and although I absolutely appreciate the freedom it brings me, it’s not an activity that I actually enjoy. He knew this.

We had got into a bit of a routine of driving to one of several nice country pubs, to just have one drink, normally before going back to his house.

He would have a pint of beer and if it was my turn to drive ( we loosely alternated) I would have a soft drink.

Since he hadn’t been allowed to drive he has been wanting to stay in the pub much longer, which meant me driving later, in the dark, and then eating after we would normally have done.

He’s also asked me a couple of times to drive to collect takeaway food ( no deliveries in the area), which is something he would never have done.

He had said ‘jokingly’ quite early on that I would get better at driving if I did more of it.
I thought at the time he was trying to be encouraging.

I did try to step up when he became unable to drive, as I knew it was an awful blow for him. He was still able to work, and mostly at home as normal, so he didn’t have a change in finances or work routine, but he needed help with travel.

I did start to notice that he was asking me to take him everywhere. Whilst I of course helped him with initial medical appointments he made little to no attempt to arrange transport for routine ones, and would call me, often at short notice. My work is flexible, but I still need to put in the hours.

The lifts had become an expectation.

I think the reason I was so upset on Saturday was because we had had a really good evening, which reminded me of how it was in the ‘early’ days, and I realised that we had drifted far from those days. He also said several times on Saturday how good it was to have me there, and maybe I should stay over much more. I assume that was because it would have made his life easier to have a live in helper, so in a way I am grateful that the evening ended as it did.

I am sorry that you also had a ‘red flag’ experience. It’s easy to miss them. Take care.

OP posts:
nomas · 29/12/2025 11:23

Wow, no wonder he threw a tantrum, he thought he had manipulated you into you being his domestic aid and chauffer and when you said no to picking his son up, he was outraged that you still have a will of your own.

MO0N · 29/12/2025 11:33

If you are a decent 'do the right thing /do as you would be done by' kind of person, then you are an easy mark for a predator/grifter/blagger.

Your instinct is to give them the benefit of the doubt, to interpret their behaviour in the best light possible.
If you are person for whom it is natural to repay kindness with kindness then, when the other person doesn't repay your kindness, you wonder if they have somehow misinterpreted, or you have somehow not been kind enough.
It can take a long time to realise and accept that when you are kind to them their instinct is along the lines of 'she's a soft touch I can have a field day here'.
So many things can only be properly understood in hindsight @Didntwenearlyhaveitall

MO0N · 29/12/2025 11:39

I think the reason I was so upset on Saturday was because we had had a really good evening, which reminded me of how it was in the ‘early’ days, and I realised that we had drifted far from those days. He also said several times on Saturday how good it was to have me there, and maybe I should stay over much more. I assume that was because it would have made his life easier to have a live in helper, so in a way I am grateful that the evening ended as it did
He was buttering you up because he needed a free chauffeur, but he wasn't all that skilled at it, he overreached and he lost his temper thereby giving the game away.
This is why I only trust men who aren't particularly clever- strong in the arm and thick in the 'ead has always been my type. They are useful for carrying heavy objects and keeping other predatory men at bay. But you must keep them on a tight leash and never let them have any leverage over you.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/12/2025 12:06

The lifts had become an expectation.

I bet he is kicking himself now!!

Well done, OP-enjoy the rest of your life doing your own thing :)

PoppyWarrior · 29/12/2025 12:11

May I asked if he paid for your fuel? Just out of interest.

Theslummymummy · 29/12/2025 12:55

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 29/12/2025 11:04

Thank you for asking, as I am not sure whether the things seem worse with the benefit of hindsight, or I should have picked up on them earlier.

I drive through necessity. I wouldn’t say I was a natural driver, and although I absolutely appreciate the freedom it brings me, it’s not an activity that I actually enjoy. He knew this.

We had got into a bit of a routine of driving to one of several nice country pubs, to just have one drink, normally before going back to his house.

He would have a pint of beer and if it was my turn to drive ( we loosely alternated) I would have a soft drink.

Since he hadn’t been allowed to drive he has been wanting to stay in the pub much longer, which meant me driving later, in the dark, and then eating after we would normally have done.

He’s also asked me a couple of times to drive to collect takeaway food ( no deliveries in the area), which is something he would never have done.

He had said ‘jokingly’ quite early on that I would get better at driving if I did more of it.
I thought at the time he was trying to be encouraging.

I did try to step up when he became unable to drive, as I knew it was an awful blow for him. He was still able to work, and mostly at home as normal, so he didn’t have a change in finances or work routine, but he needed help with travel.

I did start to notice that he was asking me to take him everywhere. Whilst I of course helped him with initial medical appointments he made little to no attempt to arrange transport for routine ones, and would call me, often at short notice. My work is flexible, but I still need to put in the hours.

The lifts had become an expectation.

I think the reason I was so upset on Saturday was because we had had a really good evening, which reminded me of how it was in the ‘early’ days, and I realised that we had drifted far from those days. He also said several times on Saturday how good it was to have me there, and maybe I should stay over much more. I assume that was because it would have made his life easier to have a live in helper, so in a way I am grateful that the evening ended as it did.

I am sorry that you also had a ‘red flag’ experience. It’s easy to miss them. Take care.

Show quote history

i can relate to this. I have a bf who didn't drive. And in the early days if we were arranging to go out, I'd offer to pick him up if it was in the direction of where we were going. We only lived 5 miles apart, so he'd often just bike over to mine.

Then he started to expect me to be pick him up, we'd arrange to go somewhere, a meal, a gallery etc and I'd get a text half way there saying "I'm ready" as in ready to be picked up. And it really started to piss me off. Esp considering I worked really hard to pass my test and afford a car and all the expenses of owning one. And he never once offered to pay for petrol!

Original poster
Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 29/12/2025 13:18

PoppyWarrior · 29/12/2025 12:11

May I asked if he paid for your fuel? Just out of interest.

Now I come to think of it he never mentioned it. Neither did I. I feel a bit of a mug now.

OP posts:
Andepeda · 29/12/2025 13:36

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 29/12/2025 13:18

Now I come to think of it he never mentioned it. Neither did I. I feel a bit of a mug now.

Show quote history

Not a mug, just a nice person. Flowers

Stucknstoopit · 29/12/2025 14:01

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 29/12/2025 11:04

Thank you for asking, as I am not sure whether the things seem worse with the benefit of hindsight, or I should have picked up on them earlier.

I drive through necessity. I wouldn’t say I was a natural driver, and although I absolutely appreciate the freedom it brings me, it’s not an activity that I actually enjoy. He knew this.

We had got into a bit of a routine of driving to one of several nice country pubs, to just have one drink, normally before going back to his house.

He would have a pint of beer and if it was my turn to drive ( we loosely alternated) I would have a soft drink.

Since he hadn’t been allowed to drive he has been wanting to stay in the pub much longer, which meant me driving later, in the dark, and then eating after we would normally have done.

He’s also asked me a couple of times to drive to collect takeaway food ( no deliveries in the area), which is something he would never have done.

He had said ‘jokingly’ quite early on that I would get better at driving if I did more of it.
I thought at the time he was trying to be encouraging.

I did try to step up when he became unable to drive, as I knew it was an awful blow for him. He was still able to work, and mostly at home as normal, so he didn’t have a change in finances or work routine, but he needed help with travel.

I did start to notice that he was asking me to take him everywhere. Whilst I of course helped him with initial medical appointments he made little to no attempt to arrange transport for routine ones, and would call me, often at short notice. My work is flexible, but I still need to put in the hours.

The lifts had become an expectation.

I think the reason I was so upset on Saturday was because we had had a really good evening, which reminded me of how it was in the ‘early’ days, and I realised that we had drifted far from those days. He also said several times on Saturday how good it was to have me there, and maybe I should stay over much more. I assume that was because it would have made his life easier to have a live in helper, so in a way I am grateful that the evening ended as it did.

I am sorry that you also had a ‘red flag’ experience. It’s easy to miss them. Take care.

Show quote history

Bless you op. It’s horrible when you see their true character. I realised early on that I was providing a lot more in terms of emotional support and my time / space whilst also not having my emotional needs met. It was all about his comfort and I didn’t realise for a while how much I’d given of myself.
im stil drained by it now and recovering.
I cant even contemplate dating whilst he’s in a new serious relationship .
i am so glad you got away from him, he sounds so mean.
manchild / ren everywhere

Scarlettpixie · 29/12/2025 14:14

It's heartening to read that someone's boyfriend showed their true colours so they immediately decided not to put up with that shit. Well done OP! I am sorry this happened but you are better off without him by the sounds of things. Your son sounds lovely. Sounds like you've done a great job there.

MyLamaDontLikeYou · 29/12/2025 14:27

Your son is a gem. Not only have you shown yourself self respect but have shown a great example to your daughter. We can’t stop people from being arseholes but we certainly can control how much of that we put up with. 💪

anon666 · 29/12/2025 14:40

Gosh well done OP. They sound like a bunch of chaotic, entitled assholes, so you're well out of it.

Ugh.

Brenda34 · 29/12/2025 15:01

For the future, 9 months is still the early days. If things are 'slipping', it's not a great sign.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/12/2025 15:23

I hope you are pleased with your decision. It will be interesting to see how this leech gets to all of his
hospital appointments (or trips to the pub!) going forwards, seeing as he couldn't find one friend of taxi to collect his son from the station!

Beware a flurry of apologies and love bombing when he panics that his free ride has driven away!!

FinallyHere · 29/12/2025 17:44

Congratulations @Didntwenearlyhaveitall on raising a brilliant son and daughter, and on your recent life decisions.

Started reading this thread with the usual dread and am so pleased that you remained clear eyed and with a little bit of help from your brilliant DC got yourself clear.

You have played a blinder, well done.

MartinCrieffsHat · 29/12/2025 19:31

Be proud @Didntwenearlyhaveitall .You've brought up your DC well.

Hopingtobeaparent · 29/12/2025 19:56

@Didntwenearlyhaveitall

I’m late joining, but just wanted to say I am really pleased for your outcome! Well done for sticking to your guns!

He’s shown you who he is - good riddens!

And your own family are amazing! 👏🏻 🙏 ⭐