To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

That's a huge blow and you're being forced to accept it or lose your family. You were lied to for ten years while your parents punished you for having a work ethic and rewarded your sister for having none.

They have treated you unequally and enabled your sister to have a better lifestyle with her children. Your sister was favoured and it's likely she manipulated them into thinking it would be 'fair' to gift her money while you received none.

I wouldn't brush over this. They need to acknowledge how hurtful it is that they have secretively made your sister their favourite.

I’d be furious and resentful. No matter what logic says, the feeling of injustice would override anything else.

Absolutely. I agree with every word

“Dad, I hate my job, I hate the hours I have to work, I hate the stress, and I hate the time away from my children. I was under the impression that these were the sacrifices I had to make in order to achieve the ‘comfortable’ lifestyle you describe. It’s good to know that you and mum are willing to help us DCs maintain a ‘comfortable’ lifestyle, as I’ve always dreamt of packing in my stressful job and becoming a part time (insert fun easy job).”

95% of people voted in agreeement with you op, that’s all you really need to know. That your feelings are valid and you should now think carefully what the relationship looks like with them now it’s been stripped of trust and security.

The onus is now on them to fix and repair the relationship, not you. What happens next really will tell you all you need to know.

Most parents having hurt their child in this way would move mountains to repair the harm. Let’s see what they do.

You work really really hard and you sacrifice enormously. Their actions have invalidated everything you have strived to do. THEY are the ones who think it’s all about the money not you.

they have chosen to measure nothing but the financial aspects of your lives and feel that you ‘have it all’ but they have ignored and invalidated everything you have done and still do to enable your financial comfort.

it’s not all about the money BUT THEY HAVE MADE IT ALL ABOUT THE MONEY

Lots of posts criticising your parents, but I'd say your sister is also at fault

It appears she never said "thanks, so Kind to offer but you should treat us equally"

Thinking some more about this - I’m guessing ops parent see op as a success - life sorted, capable, strong, a winner. Sister on the other hand is not good at life, a bit weak, a bit of a loser, maybe a bit of an embarrassment- they’ve subbed her to make it look like she’s been successful and by default looking like they’re brilliant parents who raised 2 successful daughters. This may all be about appearances and how they look having a daughter who’s a bit of a flake and needs financial support.

The point is , it does not matter how long and in which way the sister was supported. It is not like parents took food out of OP's children's mouthes.

I would be really upset about this. We can all go and find ourselves and work less hours if someone is financially propping us up. And then to not even offer to help when you needed it.

Fine it's their money. But I wouldn't help when they need it, need looking after as they age, she can.

I've found out the past two or so years, no matter the relationship with people you think you've got you've got to watch their actions.

If it doesn't matter, why keep it a secret for so many years?
And why benchmark against OP's salary?

No they didn't take food out of her kids mouths, no one said they did.

@bumptybum THEY are the ones who think it’s all about the money not you.
Yep.

@candlelarbraa This may all be about appearances and how they look having a daughter who’s a bit of a flake
True. It may be all about their pride and image.

Address it, or it will simmer.Actually Dad, I find it really unfair that you plug the gaps in sis’ lifestyle. We’re adults & have to make adult life decisions, not kids who have to be treated the same, but actually aren’t. You’re doing them a disservice, as what will they do when you’re not able to help? Are they investing in their future security if they’re living outside their means? And the v brutal question, who’s going to pay for potential care costs for parents or will this be the expected return for the person with the flexible job? All very perfectly reasonable questions to ask

I think you’re totally within your right to feel how you feel. And I agree with you. I think things should be fair between siblings (within reason.) and for it to be kept a secret, is a bit strange. There must’ve been a conversation to keep you in the dark about it.
of course, life isn’t about money and yes it’s your parents money but lots of people work jobs they don’t love love to afford a lifestyle and as you said, if you had the option, you might’ve worked a different job or less hours and have money from your parents (if that was an option.)
id personally have a chat with your parents and say how you’re feeling. It’s fine to admit you feel a bit jealous and also upset that you didn’t know.
as a younger sister (I have an older sister) it would also annoy me that my sister always said she liked the chill lifestyle etc but then had secretly received extra money from my parents lol. Like acting like she was so chill and money wasn’t important if that makes sense.
but definitely have the conversation and you are in the right

No put they took time!!! Time that op could have been at home with young kids, doing the school drop off and pick up instead of wrap around care. Time in the school holidays when OP and husband had to balance leave to care for the kids…. All things DSis and her husband didn’t have to worry about as they have had more time as their mortgage, cars and holidays were paid by bank of mum and dad!

Yep, this is a large part of it too. Like working to earn money is beneath her.
it would also annoy me that my sister always said she liked the chill lifestyle etc but then had secretly received extra money from my parents lol. Like acting like she was so chill and money wasn’t important if that makes sense.

It’s possible your parents are the type who care a lot about the outward picture – how things look to friends and their social circle. Maybe they wanted to present both daughters as equally “successful,” with similar lifestyles and holidays, because that reflects well on them as parents. Without the financial help, the contrast might have been starker: one daughter going to Seychelles, driving new cars and living in a large beautiful house, while the other goes to Skegness, drives an old car and lives in a flat. Perhaps they couldn’t bear that image in front of their peers, so they quietly subsidised your sister. That doesn’t justify what they did, but it could explain why they’ve kept it hidden for so long.

I think the real issue now isn’t the money but the breach of trust. Finding out your parents and sister kept this hidden for a decade is bound to change how you see them, and it’s unrealistic to expect the relationship to feel the same.

Since you’ve already spoken to them without much success, I wonder if you might want to consider adjusting your expectations and setting clearer boundaries so you’re less emotionally exposed to their choices. You could keep things civil but lighter, and decide how much you want to invest in your sister’s relationship depending on what feels safe for you. You don’t have to agree with her choices, but you can choose whether to keep things surface‑friendly or deeper. Protecting your peace and taking pride in the self- earned security- life you’ve built independently may be the healthiest way forward.

But you refused it very different situations

This is our situation and we know that SIL’s husband earns a ridiculous amount of money (equity partner) but she still feigns poverty! Their lifestyle is phenomenal.

embarrassment would be my primary emotion to be honest. The sibling isn’t struggling to make ends meet, that would be different but paying for „treats“ for one child and not the other that’s odd. It’s so infantilising imo.

are you their baseline op? So they want your sister to be level with you? So if you get a huge promotion will they have to up their payments?

i know some people will think this is over the top, but it’s a good example of why telling ANYONE other than your spouse or long term partner your salary can lead to problems. This all started when OP told her DF and DS how much she earned.

Well it’s blatant favouritism isn’t it?! How come they’re allowed to dial back on working hard to receive a hand out every month? It would have been better if they’d given you both a lump sum each year. I would actually say to them that it’s favourism and it’s made you feel very sad, as you didn’t realise they were like this. I’d have a little break from them all right now. They refuse to see anything wrong with what they’ve done.

I think it would have started anyway - the salary increase was just the prompt. The divergence in lifestyle affordability would have appeared and conversations would have taken place then.
I can't help thinking all the talk about cooling the relationship with OPs parents is like her getting punished twice. Losing out on the financial support/trust and now the relationship - which is massive.
OP I'd suggest family therapy but being Brits it's unlikely they'll go for it. I think losing your family is the biggest loss here. I am NC with my siblings, don't use it a punishment, it's a survival tactic and should only be used after exploring other avenues.

This is very hurtful on a number of levels. Having experienced similar on my in laws side of the family I can tell you that the repercussions down the line are interesting. The siblings no longer have any relationship with each other and the cousins don’t see each other, we also don’t remember the in laws kindly feeling like we were lied to and we seldom talk about them.
your parents will justify this and yes it is their money. However they need to understand that their actions will have consequences and it’s a heavy price.

I would strongly disagree.

The money given to OP’s sister would have been eventually divided between the siblings, and eventually trickled down to op’s children through inheritance.

A decade of financial support is an enormous amount of money/inheritance that has been spent already on OP’s sister and her dc.

OP’s children now WON’T benefit from that extra support now either. The money has been wasted on luxury holidays, cars and mortgage payments for a house her sister could not afford.

If OP’s dc struggle in the future as students or young adults they now will be deprived of a life changing amount of money.

I haven’t wanted to say this before, as op is feeling bad enough, but this could be the entire inheritance being whittled down to nothing and rerouted to her sister throughout the years.

Ds’’ children will benefit not only from all of the extra time, parental input and family money lavished on them throughout their lives, but also stand to keep that inheritance when the time comes through property, savings, and cars etc that OP’s dc have not had.

It is grossly, grossly unfair.

I also suspect there will be more discoveries to come. House deposits, savings for dc, wedding costs, debt in younger years. It’s perfectly possible this is just the very tip of the iceberg, and that’s more likely than not.

They may also decide to pay their GC university costs, first cars etc. it’s hard to see how this won’t severely impact OP’s children tbh.

Unless op’s parents are billionaires, which they aren’t, as op described them as ‘comfortable’. It’s staggeringly unfair, and her parents did not indicate they intend to ensure equality at the end, quite the reverse. They are limbering up to paint op as the unreasonable one I suspect for not wanting ‘the best’ for her sister. It’s very very dishonest. It is pure favouritism and of course it will affect the children, it already has.

Yep. Similar situation here and MIL will bawl her eyes out to me saying SIL and BIL have “no money”, her daughter has “no clothes” and things are “terrible” for them. It could be that OP’s parents are similar: professional worriers with little resilience.