To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

After reading your update i’m even more annoyed for you. I don’t think i’d be able to just accept this info and move on. Now you know, it makes everything awkward. Seeing a photo of your part time DSis enjoying the school hols whilst your kids are in holiday club. Seeing your sis’s holiday pics knowing your parents paid for it whilst you have worked your ass off for your holiday. I just wouldn’t be able to hide that kind of resentment and you’re a better person than I am if you can. When your parent’s family has fallen apart they only have themselves to blame.

I struggle to understand why anyone thinks its acceptable. I earn double what my brother does, because I got off my arse and worked so hard to get where I am, whereas he didn’t work at all for a decade. He is at the stage of life now where he is annoyed with himself for his choices. He is not struggling at all, but wants more. If I found out my mum was matching my salary i’d be absolutely furious. Anyone who accepts it from a parent too, how can they just let a parent sub them? It’s unbelievable really.

I know the OP has left but it's as horrible a thread regarding parents and children as I have read. So, so unfair. Had they been upfront from the start that would be one thing but 10 years of secrecy, it's awful. I wouldn't be able to tolerate it at all. Although neither of my siblings would accept this money so there's that.

I think the hardest thing is to try not to lose your family. The funding is likely to continue - it'll be hard to stomach because it will be a continual reminder of this painful episode, how could you put this behind you? I fear the OP has lost her family and that is the saddest bit of this story.

This is what i don't understand, you actively want your brother to have a worse life than you because you think you are essentially better, made better choices, worked harder and are therefore more deserving. If he was to win the lottery and have an equal income to you that way, would you be furious? Because if not then it seems that your anger, were your Mum to sub him, would be based on somehow you losing out of parental inheritance that you think should be yours? If it's differnt I would be interested to understand why as I would always want my siblings to be in as good a position as they possibly could be

I don't agree. What the parents do with their money is their business. As is who they tell about what they have done with their money. I was left significantly less money by my late mother compared to my sister, the fact was I didn't need it as much as she did. Family dynamics are complex.

Just caught up and I know OP said she won’t be back - but wow!! How awful. It’s like a massive lie and so unfair. They have corporate jobs that are stressful and require a lot of study and commutes. Yes they’ve done well and should be proud - but it likely means more stress and less time with kids. Also less enjoyment from what I read.

sister gets to have less stressful job and then get an allowance - so no incentive to try a new job or different qualification! I’m very aware I’ve just repeated it but somehow I needed to to process it.

If all else is ok in the family then it’s not worth rocking the boat as such - but you cant unknow that and I expect OP will feel watched - what holidays she’s going on, what car etc so that sister can get the same!!

I think parents probably meant to help but that’s mad.

There are situations which merit giving one child more than another such as when one sibling is the primary carer of the parent/s.
This is not the case for OP so other scenarios are not relevant.

As a parent of two adult children I could not contemplate giving one anything without giving the same to the other, whatever the circumstances.

Issue is parents attitude. Not the sisters fault. Nobody is making the parents treat OP this way.

Pretty bitter pill to have to swallow OP. Big offense to get over. But parents aren't around forever so focus on all the nice things they have done for you and who they are (outside of this horrible situation) ..just so you don't get poisoned by it.

I'm glad you posted on Mumsnet and are reassured it's them and not you in the wrong. That you have been treated unfairly.

Just move on now. Hopefully they will mull over what you have expressed to them today. At end of the day it is their money, life is unfair etc etc. but it is what it is. I feel for you but please leave it now and don't get bitter. Most people would but be the bigger person for your own sake.

I think you need to spell out your feelings and about the unfairness of the situation, and then just leave it. I would not be able to have the same relationship with my parents or sibling going forward . Yes your parents gave the money but your sister also took it.

What’s that saying.. ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’? Utterly bizzare set up by the OP’s parents and sister! Sorry this has happened to you OP x

Exactly this. I'd feel so upset to know DSis was getting financial benefits of a stressful corporate job without the stress. It's not about the money at all.

Presumably your parents gave you and her the same kind of start in life, so why do they now feel they have to compensate your DSis as she made different career choices?

I would ask how they intend to equalise matters in the future or if they don’t intend to, leave it with them knowing that it has hurt you.

THIS ^

I’m very sorry about their reaction, it probably makes it feel worse.
It’s called “lying by omission”, which they use to absolve themselves.

They are correct that it’s their money to do with as they please and also that they don’t owe you an explanation or specific details.

However I suspect they don’t yet understand that this will irrevocably change the way one of their DD’s feels about them forever and probably really harm the happy dynamic of their family.

I’d be so incredibly hurt I don’t think I’d ever look at them the same way again, and I’d be quietly distancing myself.

I really hope your dsis will be the one to step up if and when your dp’s become elderly and infirm OP? They’ll have a bloody cheek if they call on you for help.

Difference is you have had years to get used to it. OP has always thought her family was one way and now she has just found out it is entirely different. She is in shock and grief, the very early stages.

This would definitely "cool" my relationship with all 3. I'd think a lot less of my Dsis for not pointing out to your parents that it was unfair and dishonest due to the secrecy. I wonder what OP's husband thinks.

Yes you didn’t know they were giving out handouts to even things out, if you had you would have asked, we lost our house when my daughters IVF treatment cost us tens of thousands of pounds… years later they handed over 100k to SIL for an extension. No one Should havd to go cap in hand to their parents, if there’s money available it should be offered often if it might help.

@ChristieMcVie
It’s not a random holiday or mortgage here or there, it’s a specific and systematic set of payments to match OP’s life that she’s paid for herself.

@dottiedodah
DP have had to help her a bit
Yeah, it’s a bit more than help her a bit. Try 15 years of monthly bank transfer to cover the car, part of the mortgage, part of household costs and overseas hols.

As a yoga teacher your sister could make a lot of money if she bothered. She could hire a hall for say £20 for an hour and if she charged £8-10 per person and had 20 people that could be close to £160-£180 profit for one hours work. Four or five classes a week and she could be raking it in. I am in Scotland in case the costs are different in your areas.

as long as all of those people and you understand you’ve given one child more leisure, more grandparent time, less stress, their children less wrap around care time and more family time, and that says you love them more, and that’s a huge message which destroys your family, and when it comes time that people age need a bit more help,they/ you’ll have to be asking for it from the child who had the free time and low stress, the other one is working to support her family and her children’s future. Because the op will be on the other end of the phone saying vaguely term time is so busy between work and the kids activities we can’t make it up. What’s that? next term holidays? We aren’t around, sorry, maybe the one after that? What are we up to- oh stuff mum, you know we don’t like to share our private life anymore. Are we going on holiday? Why are you asking? I used to think it was because you cared and now I know it’s because you’re adding up how much to give dsis, come on mum you know I haven’t talked about our holidays with you in 5 years now. We will see about the term after, I hope the op goes well, I’m sure dsis will be a big help, bye now.

Me again, older than your DPs and parent of two ACs.
Here is the nub imo:
The fairly quick explanation was that we don't "need" DP the way DSis does.
Your father is flattered by your DSis’s need of him, he wants to be her Knight in Shining White Armour. That’s why he doesn’t see it as an issue about money or the unfairness of the situation. He’s an easily deceived fool and your mother appears to be going along with it.
It’s pathetic.
Completely pathetic.
Each parent is allowed, within the 7 year rule, to give each child £3K p.a. plus regular payments (amount unlimited) provided it isn’t to the detriment of the parent’s lifestyle. Quite how your DSis can expect the additional funding of a long-haul holiday without tax implications is beyond me. HMRC would notice this.
No one knows how the future will pan out. Your parents’ estate could be swallowed up by care home fees. What can be assumed is that it is being reduced by the financial assistance they have been giving her for at least 10 years and that even if, if, the wills are equally divided (doubtful) you are at a loss.
You have been punished for being capable and independent.
I wouldn’t bother writing them your thoughts. Show them this thread and to hell with their feelings of hurt and betrayal. They deserve what they’ve done to you as I would if I’d done the same.

My late DM always favoured my older brother over me when it came to money. I'd suspected for a while that she was 'subsidising' him,but it was only when I overheard him talking on the phone telling his girlfriend that our DM had given him a grand in cash for his 40th birthday that I realised the full extent of it. For my 40th,she gave me a set of bath towels.

Well I can very much see that you consider family relationships to be purely transactional and to be weighed up and valued according to what you have or have not been given in monetary terms or childcare etc. Many people don't view them that way and don't actually consider family relationships to be based on some quid quo pro tallying up over the years. As you clearly do, it would obviously be something that really rankled you.

They don't sound oblivious, they sound like they don't want to admit they've done anything unfair. They'd rather you not rock the boat so feining innocence.