To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Op my dh’s parents have given 100s of thousands to their dd . Probably around £500000. If hasn’t come our way and actually we earn less than her and her dh. We are probably happier and have been much harder to buy. I do t care really. Meh it’s money so what. It reflects their inadequacy and anxieties and inadequacies. Do they love DH - yup. Are they functional emotionally - god yes.

You may have some re evaluations to do but think carefully about what you want and what you believe. I hope it works out.

No that’s not fair on you at all .
Your sister gets to have a low stress lifestyle + probably gets to spend more time with her children while you work more hours and have a longer commute to work .
Thats absolutely fine she and her husband chose those jobs but they shouldn’t rely on your parents topping up their income so they have the same income as you .
My own experience is that my parents would give my sister more , would take her for lunch and give her money for travel expenses when she visited them .
My In laws too would give more to my husband’s siblings , take them for lunch/ dinner when they visited and would also fund travel .

Id be completely ashamed if I were your sister

Not sure if you’re still reading but this is one of the most unfair things I have read on here. Well done for not letting it fester. Assuming your dad is the driving force and his reaction, he sounds a bit of an arse. It’s never nice to have this realisation about your parents…

Also your sister could take some responsibility here, I hope she is mortally embarrassed!

It's a really sad situation which has now changed the family dynamics forever. The OP has worked hard and been self-reliant and the parents think that the other sister needs more support, without acknowledging the sacrifices the OP has made to be the success she is. I think the OP should take this opportunity to maybe realise she resents the commute, long hours and time away from the kids to make a change in her work/life balance, regardless of what the rest of the family do. This is an opportunity to live how she wants, to prioritise herself and her family and let the rest of them get on with it - she is the winner in this situation because they are unreasonable and she has done everything right. It's not fair but she should leave them to their own strange mess now. I predict they will come back to her in the future with various excuses and justifications, while she just gets on with it on her own terms. Good luck, OP, leave them to it!

Jeez I can’t edit but I meant are they DISFUNCTIONAL

One more time … DYSFUNCTIONAL!

I think it’s shit OP and you’re not unreasonable to feel like that. Slightly different scenario but I have a half sibling (same Dad). It’s a very long story but he fucked off to start his new family when I was tiny and I grew up with a single Mum, council house, no holidays. He fiddled his own successful company to pay himself minimum wage and dodge CM. My half brother was private school, Caribbean twice a year, help with Uni & first house costs etc. Many years on our Dad crows to family that we’ve always meant the same to him, and wonders why I don’t speak to him and why he can’t see my Son

Meanwhile my best mate often gets a random cheque sent from her parents, because they’ve helped her less well off brother buy a new couch, or fix his car, and they feel it should be entirely equal. She doesn’t need it and is largely bemused, but it’s exactly the way I’d want to be if I had more than one child.

I don’t know what to suggest, but speaking to them openly about how you feel is probably a good start.

You are not being petty, it is a legitimate grievance, if your parents didn't believe it was unfair then why did they keep it secret so long?
I would want an apology from the parents for calling me petty and jealous before I would be happy to see them again.

Absolutely they don’t want you rocking the boat but your DF (and complicity your DM) have unforgivably left you with a sense of unease. They know you’re unhappy but have not discussed this in full to settle your mind. Instead they have shut you down to erase from their conscience the deception and imbalance between their two daughters.
By smoothing your DSis’s life your DPs have disrupted yours. I would like to think there is an intense conversation going on in your DPs’ house tonight. There should be.

I'm also thinking that if your parents are wealthy they won't feel comfortable with your sister being the only person in the family not to have nice cars and holidays, like it's more about bringing everybody up to an 'acceptable' family level to them? You've got there on your own; she has had to be pulled up.

“”we help her out to make sure she gets the kind of treats you enjoy, it's only fair you both get a good lifestyle””

OP, from now on you tell your parents nothing. Never tell them anything good that happens to you or about any “treats.” Just relate your struggles. And how hard you are working. Or say that yeah, you had a nice time on your inexpensive holiday or are enjoying your inexpensive new car. It sucks not to be able to talk freely and positively about things you earned for yourself and have a right to be proud of. But now you know. Maybe in time they will realize they have lost your trust and closeness but that’s on them. Don’t give out any further information they will use to make you into the privileged villain and justify giving your sister an easier time.

That is how I deal.

That situation is not at all the same.
They have been one-off cash lump sums, not a monthly bank transfer.
They have been for specific items, not just ongoing running of the household.
There has been no secrecy.

Mine did this face my younger brother 20k towards house purchase did not tell me. Have also bailed older brother out to the tune if a few thousand . I am oldest only girl and only one with children, they won’t even buy me a coffee . It was the lack of honesty that was the worst but at least I know where I stand . I also live a few hours away and now both parents need help and support ( they are not honest with me about that either ) so it is my brothers running round after them and they get no thanks . Don’t be putting yourself out to help in future years x

OP, you seem to have a lovely family and good dynamics. If i were you i wouldn't have questionned your parents helping your sister more than you. I have seen this a lot in my own extended family on both sides,i.e.helping the child who lacks funds for whatever reasons.
When my parents supported my sister for couple of years I had zero issues with that. Wouldn't even imagine questioning.

I wish you the best op. I know you are leaving the thread, you will need to deal with the fall out of this awful discovery in the coming weeks and months. I hope you have trusted friends you can talk to.

Your parents do not want to face up to to the consequences of their decisions, you might find this starts to really affect your feelings towards them. You might start to question everything.

They gave you no choice or opportunity to access the same privileges as your sister, and repeatedly lied by omission for a decade. They have all colluded and lied behind your back, for years.

They haven’t even apologised for the deceit, and I suspect they will look to move past it as rapidly as possible, expecting you to do the same - hoping it can be contained.

In reality though this is an enormous betrayal of your trust op. Please come back if you need to, you might feel the need for further support once the shock wears off, and the pain of their actions bubbles up to the surface. Your life. has changed forever in many ways, and this might feel very difficult for a long time to come. Take care.

You should discuss it with your parents and tell them how you feel at the very least. In my book it’s hugely unfair. I have two daughters in different situations but they both get treated the same and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s been over 10 years….

It does seem very unfair.

Another poster above recommended therapy to help you deal with your feelings. This is good advice, there is not much you can do about it, but the feeling of unfairness could be damaging to you. You need to find a way not to let it bother you.

However, your DSis getting money hand outs just evens out things money wise. It is not only about money.

Your sister won’t experience the sense of accomplishment that you get from your job, from earning great salary, delivering great projects, paying your way, contributing towards your own home, being able to afford nice cars and holidays on your pay…. You can only get that feeling of accomplishment if you work hard for it.

I am a strong believer that it is very beneficial for our children, especially our daughters but for our sons too, to see their moms working hard, setting and accomplishing goals. Seeing us work hard and juggling balls in the air, to witness that it is not always easy but we make it happen, to see us keep going when the going gets tough and to come out the other side OK. To see us as equal partners to their Dads.

My advice is to find a way to accept this, for the simple reason that feeling hard done by is painful and can really mess with your peace of mind.

Your DSis will obviously have more time on her hands as your parents age and will be in a better position to support their day to day needs. Maybe that is her Karma.

Also, your sister might get a wake up call one day if they have to fork out for inheritance tax.

THIS is all very good. You need to manage going fwd, to make sure you are never as exposed again. You can't trust them so don't treat them like you can. Keep stuff to yourself and be civil but don't ever trust them again. Any of them. It sucks but it is your only way forward.

I mean these handouts over ten years I’d say conservatively £2k a month?! We are looking at close to £250k but that’s not £250k now that’s £250k from ten years ago to now - factoring in inflation could be looming at £350k worth of equivalent help. But what OP can’t get back is the time with her kids - I’m astonished at her parents ambivalence to the affect of something like this.

She has and she doesn't.

Sorry Op, the lack of recognition is awful. I am in a similar situation but less £ involved and it's left me feeling awful.

It's been over 10 years and it was done in secret. And it covered luxuries, not just necessities.

@Searchingforananswer2023 I would stop sharing any details of money/purchases/expenditure/holidays with everyone concerned and steer clear of your sister.