To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

This is the same BS my dad pulled. Brother and sister inherited massively comparatively. I was left with not as much. When I asked mum about it she couldn't give me a straight answer. All my siblings have had massive handouts from our parents. I am "successful" so those handouts slipped past me. I refuse to be bitter. It's pushed me to stand more on my own two feet (with DH). I have a great life that I am thankful for. It's fine and you will be fine too OP.

Calculated (on OP's salary)
Premeditated (regular bank transfer)
Secret (for years).

Unbelievable.

I agree with this but op needs to recover from the shock first. This has only just happened, it’s going to feel so raw for a while yet. It’s likely she will experience shock, denial, bargaining (maybe their dishonesty wasn’t that bad) etc.

Op sounds like a wonderfully trusting, loving and kind person, and in some ways it’s harder because she thought the very best of her family for her whole life up until now.

She didn’t imagine they would lie and hurt her like this, even if she may have privately wondered often how her sister managed her lifestyle financially on their limited income.

Dont let this ruin who you are op. Or wreck your inner peace and your own family life.

Resentment and deep pain can really fester, as can injustice and not having a voice to talk to your family about this wound they have inflicted on you. They will shut you down repeatedly I suspect if you try, and are likely to blame you for being difficult/unreasonable if you persist. Don’t let them rewrite this episode or control what you say or do about this situation.

It’s up to you ultimately whether you can live with this betrayal, or not. It’s no longer up to them. Take your time. Pull back. I used to call it pulling up the drawbridge.

You need time to come to terms with everything that has happened, I hope your dh is offering lots of love and care, and you have a circle of trusted friends that can help you through 💐 A counsellor will also help - as will holding your dc and remembering you have your own little family now, and that part of your life is just as perfect as it ever was. Not all is lost even if it might feel pretty seismic right now.

In your position I could never forgive my parents for doing this. They are cheerfully giving money, not for essentials but for luxuries, because of the lifestyle Dsis has chosen. If you can bring yourself to do so why not ask what is in their wills, because you might find the unfairness repeated there too given the total lack of understanding of your POV. I would quietly go lower and lower contact over time, and if asked tell them why, you are not prepared to give as much time to them because of the way they are favouring your Dsis with money, quid pro quo.

Stonewalling is both childish and toxic. Setting boundaries and having a conversation to say you need some time is another thing. The silent treatment is for emotionally immature people.

I am sure in near enough every single family there is a level of inequality in what siblings earn. That is definitely the case in my family, between myself and my siblings there is a whole spectrum of household earnings. I could understand a situation where parents bail out one of their kids to simply keep a roof over the heads of their grandchildren, that wouldn't massively concern me, because most of us have empathy from people in that situation. The idea that your parents are not only paying their mortgage but also paying for all these luxury items, like holidays and new cars, for your sister so that she can match your lifestyle is ridiculously unfair in my eyes. I'd really like to think this not common in most families. You get to have these luxury things because you work hard in a stressful job and you sacrifice time with your kids as a result.

A short explanation that you will be out of touch for a while given the discovery of ten years of lies, deceit and sibling financial privilege would suffice. No need to update them after that at all. Op need not give them further air time after that. Op can take her time, look after herself, seek counsel and prevent contact until she feels ready, as a bare minimum that would be wise in these circumstances.

Absolutely. But first step is even if she continues to interact with them, she should def guard info and her peace of mind. They can't be trusted and she would be a fool to forget this lesson.
I also think she would do well to step back from a lot of interaction in future but that is a personal choice.

Clearly they have used the information op has trusted them with unwittingly to subsidise her sister. It would be better if op did not share anything further with them at all, ie holidays,,cars, plans. An information drought is needed. They are certainly not allies.

It’s hard to imagine that future family events will feel anything other than fake and a charade, given the back drop. It might feel like.a pretense, and that’s because it is.

That’s why for the time being, until they can at least acknowledge the issues of honesty and transparency op might be more comfortable not attending for the time being. I think they need to at least understand the hurt they have caused before things can move forward.

We know the yoga teacher is proud of not being focused on earning money. She has higher goals.

I think when anything happens to your parents you might then get more than your sister and hopefully your parents will say it’s because your sister needed more help financially than you but will divvy the money left to make it fair for you,but then your sister will be pissed off.

This is crap OP. I am really sorry your parents and sister are participating in this toxicity.

There is a significant chapter on this theme in an old American book called The Millionaire Next Door that might offer some insight. Here is an AI summary:

In The Millionaire Next Door, "weakening the weak child" describes how parents over-providing for less-driven children (the "weak") with excessive money or ease hinders their development, making them dependent and less capable, while inadvertently strengthening the more self-reliant (the "strong") who learn to manage on their own, a concept often linked to providing "Economic Outpatient Care" that reduces independence.
The Core Concept

• "Economic Outpatient Care": This term refers to parents continuously providing financial support, making life easy for their children, which prevents them from learning essential financial responsibility and self-sufficiency.
• Strengthening the Strong: The child who is already independent and responsible learns to rely on themselves and often builds wealth because they aren't over-supported.
• Weakening the Weak: The child who struggles or is less motivated becomes even weaker when given handouts, as they never face real consequences or learn to budget, save, and work hard to achieve goals.

I would be fuming, and I'd be telling my parents that this is unfair, and my sister that she should be embarrassed to be accepting help instead of getting better jobs, if they want the same lifestyle. I would be very unhappy and resentful.

My parents fully support one of my siblings who is on the autism spectrum and has never had a job. They also supplement the income of my other sibling who does work but is IMO lazy and wants to live the life of an artiste (as long as someone else is paying the bills). I have been fully independent since the age of 21 and have never asked for anything from my parents.

My DH and I are both academics, not wealthy in the least. But we have always stood on our own two (or four) feet. It’s a point of pride for me that we are completely independent, bought our own house with no help, etc.

TBH I don’t agree with my parents’ decision to support my siblings. I don’t think it’s been to the benefit of anyone in the long run. At the same time I don’t blame or resent them for their choice. They are kind and decent people and they are doing what they think is right. I know they would help me if I ever asked.

Your situation may well be different, but that’s how I feel about my own position.

There’s an article in the Sunday Times today by a money psychotherapist - ‘My brother got 20k for Christmas - I got a sweater’. It might be helpful to read.

So sad.

100% same type of parents who come later and complain “oh we don’t know why relationship with our child has cooled down, we were wonderful parents and never did anything wrong”

Well.. maybe I'm horrible or immature or whatever.. but I'd be telling the parents to shove their money where the sun don't shine, & I'd be out of there. I wouldn't want anything from them, I'd never want to see them or sister again. I don't take any kind of rejection well.

Your parents are in the wrong.

So one sibling works hard at a job they don’t massively enjoy (as many people do) but which pays well, while the other dicks around with a joke job, but which is fun. That has a financial penalty, which is a choice made, by an adult.

I have two grown-up children. If I was helping one child like this, I would ensure I put the identical sums in another account for the other child, or better for their children when they grow up. Not to do so would obviously cause future ill feeling.

This may not apply were there unavoidable financial difficulties, but not when such are the predictable results of choices made.

But if won’t be the sister who pays the IHT.

It will come from the remaining estate, and further reduce all the siblings’ inheritance.

Oh I'm sorry OP that they didn't recognise the issue but afraid I'm not surprised. Have seen very similar scenarios unfold with close family (clear favouritism, significant differences in financial treatment etc) and there was zero recognition there either which I think family member actually found more hurtful than the initial favouritism. It's brutal to feel like someone who you thought loved you is completely incapable of recognising your feelings or needs, preferring to bury their head in the sand.

My argument would be:

• You clearly didn't think it was fair and ok or you would have told me before

-You've lied as well as treated us differently -You're offering DSis a better lifestyle than me because I have huge pressures that she doesn't and it is hurtful you can't see that -It's also hurtful that you never thought about this from my point of view - and that if money truly isn't an issue why did you not come to me and offer a similar opportunity, to have a lower stress job and financial support?

But sadly I think whatever you say will land on deaf ears. All you can do is decide if this is worth losing your relationship with them for. Actually for me I think it might be. But you have to make your own decision. I would definitely also be asking DSis to think about the disparity and talk to them about it as you are worried it will cause a permanent rift. But i suspect given it sounds like she went begging to them and she's been complicit in the lies she will not be an ally. Very sorry OP.

It is a vastly different situation.

I found out today that my sister’s DS has a bank account.
That my mother contributes to every birthday, Christmas.
My DS doesn’t have an account. So, no cash gifts for him.

I feel really sorry for you. I think though I am not sure if you got your point across to your parents - the conversation turned to money but really the issue is you feel less important than your sister? That you may earn well but you’ve made lifestyle sacrifices to do that - and your sister could have chosen the path of lifestyle sacrifices to earn more. But she’s chilling with less work but same benefits as they top her finances up.
I am one of five kids and I am aware my parents have helped out siblings for a variety of reasons over the years ie single parent / divorce / new house etc and I have been fully onboard - but your circumstance where they have topped up your sister to match your lifestyle … not sure I could forgive that I am so sorry.

I’m sorry to say that I would feel very resentful if I had had to make certain decisions in order to work and provide for my family only to find that others were getting the same rewards and benefits without the effort.

Im thinking along the lines of working longer hours, travelling time to and from work and time away from children when they were young

I think the line for me is that they help out with their mortgage- I would feel that level of help should be provided equally - or that your sister and her husband can’t afford to work as little as they do

It’s odd what goes on in parents’ heads. My in-laws have helped their daughter much more with childcare, probably financial handouts too not sure. And we’ve not said much - it’s their time, their money etc… What really grates is when they tell us (often) that we’ve been “lucky” when luck really has nothing to do with it - just hard work, careful budgeting etc…