To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

[DairyMilkMaid]

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

It’s a good point you make, and one that not many people talk about.

I think quite a few people have a first child for the same reason.

No, I always knew I wanted more than one.
one is hard work ime though I appreciate others will have a different experience.

I think this is true to an extent. Although many people I know, myself included, had a far easier time the second time around and were more relaxed and enjoyed it more. For some of my friends it was even quite a healing experience.

If you are happy with one though I think that's a real sweet spot! You get all the joy of having a child but in a potentially more manageable way.

I was desperate for a second and would have more if I was younger and richer!

I definitely wanted the first. I wasn't arsed either way about a second. I didn't want, but I wasn't against either.

I went ahead with a second purely so my DD wasn't an only child. I didn't want that for her.

I got sterilised after the second.

I love having a sibling and always wanted more than one DC. DP wanted 1 or 2 and I wanted 2 or 3 (or 4) so we ended up with 2. It was definitely a thoughtful decision for us. All my friends who have children have also thought about how many they want (and sometimes changed that calculation due to how pregnancy and childbirth went). I don't know anyone who didn't consider the size of their family. I think your friend is unusual.

Yeah I suppose.

We had dc 1 and then a year or so later started trying again. I didn't desperately want another baby right then BUT I was absolutely certain I wanted more than one...so my attitude was, get it done. Which we did.

Exactly this.

I always knew I wanted my child to have a sibling and it was the right thing to do. Seeing the relationship my children have is an absolute joy.

I think a lot of people get married and have children because it is the done thing. To choose not to is hard. Having one DC is hard because of societal expectations and stereotypes. We’re not a very open minded society and there is a lot of pressure/ sense of failure if you don’t conform.

I feel like that's why people have kids in general. But people are very weird about only children and sibling is considered a default so if you decide to have a child, you're deciding to have 2.

I just really really wanted another one.
The same way I wanted my first.
Then once DS2 had arrived, we just felt we were complete.
If that’s how you feel with one, then why have another?

No I don't think most or many are like your friend. I think most/many know they want more than one child & the majority of others know they don't want their child to be an only child.

I think it’s good for people to think about why they’re doing things. People even in more individual cultures like ours still take a lot more influence from society and the people around them than they’re aware. I’m sure if one child was the norm and two children was rarer more people would just have the one.

I don’t think it’s necessary better if you only do things based on urges. Also, you say your second friend never wanted a child but presumably she didn’t not want one. Sometimes people really want something and it’s not what they imagined it to be and they regret it. Likewise you can be indifferent about more children but then find it to be such a great decision when it happens.

I think people can chose to feel like that or they can chose to do whatever they feel is right for them. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Honestly it’s you who will have to parent these kids not anyone else!

Exactly. Whereas I had one child by choice. It never occurred to me to have a second.

I think you're right actually. There's a lot of pressure on people to take a certain path and kids are definitely part of that.

To those saying they didn't want their children to be only children, can I ask why? I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood. DH has a brother but they're not particularly close and I don't know how much contact they'll have once my in-laws aren't around anymore.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here! My own grandma told me 'you can't just have one!'.

I always knew I wanted more than one child (I am from a big family and close to my siblings which probably influenced it). As soon as my first was born I felt a real strong pull of wanting to have another baby. I would have had more than two but unfortunately we weren’t able to (but I feel very fortunate to have our two).

But some of my friends are very candid about the fact that they had two purely because they wanted their first to have a sibling - and equally a few have never wanted children at all or are very happy with one.

Both the friends’ stated reasons for having DC2 you describe are different to the one in your OP.

It might be that you’re telling yourself people do it for that reason as part of your own thought process in taking a decision. It seems quite dismissive of others’ decisions.

I only wanted one. DH wanted two. As soon as DD1 was born we switched. I would have had a third if he had have been on board with the idea.

I know I felt I needed a second child, and would have liked but didn’t need a 3rd. (We have 2 as 3 was a financial stretch too far).

But I know a lot of couples who planned a second child purely to give a sibling to their eldest, it wasn’t about having a second baby but later on, having 2 kids to play together, then later still 2 teens/young adults.

now seeing how well my dcs get on as teens I’m glad we did have the second, and I do sort of regret not going for it with the 3rd, but then perhaps the gap with the eldest would be too great, and we would have been able to give them the experiences they have had.

I think very many people have a first child simply because they think it’s the done thing.

I totally understand exactly what you’re saying OP - just asking - did your friend that you mention in your OP specify exactly WHY she didn’t want her DD to be an only child ?

OP, thank you for starting this thread.

My DD is nearly 7 months old and to be honest, I have no desire to have a second whatsoever. Even my husband is feeling like this at the minute, and he always thought he would have a big family when he was younger.

But there is a niggling feeling in the back of my mind like "hmm.. Will I regret not having a second?" Even though my younger sibling has additional needs which, admittedly, affected my childhood and thoughts on parenthood to a degree.

I completely agree that I think it is societal pressure.

We had number one because it was the done thing and we thought we’d better have one just in case we got to our late 30s and regretted not doing it.

We had number two because we didn’t want the first one to be on his own.