To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

[DairyMilkMaid]

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

Projecting much there? Hand on heart I genuinely never wanted a sibling as a kid. I distinctly remember being about 4 or 5 and telling my mum if she had another baby I’d put it in the washing machine or throw it down the stairs. I remember seeing friends with siblings have to always share stuff and never getting a moment’s peace. One thing I will agree with you on is that my childhood could be quite boring but that was because my parents were boring and reclusive, rather than because I didn’t have a sibling. My partner has a sibling and they literally never speak. No big falling out, just very different people who have no bond.

You are right I think.

I'm pregnant atm with my first. I already know that this baby will very likely be my only DC. I am 37 and don't want to have another child when I am close to being 40 or even over 40. I have also had a difficult pregnancy so far with many issues so I don't think it is likely I will choose to get pregnant again. If we had another DC we would likely have to move house as the 3rd bedroom is a tiny box room so not fair for one to have that room and the other to have a massive double bedroom. Financially we will be comfortable with one but may struggle with two.

Most people I know in my circle have only one DC. It is a lot more common now than it used to be and apparently in the UK in a few years time it will be the most common family size.

Absolutely. Also, bluntly, I’m not going to have a second child I don’t want in case it turns out my existing child might have liked a sibling or feels lonely at my funeral.

It's funny because I see this often on here as a reason to have a second so they don't need to care for you when you're older on your own.

It took me a lot of counselling and soul searching to decide to have a second but I work in Older adult social work and it was coming across so many siblings falling out and generally toxic families that almost put me off having a second! It definitely isn't a reason to be having a 2nd at all.

And on the funeral part too, I have two siblings. We definitely won't be comforting each other or standing together and I can probably say once our parents pass we won't be speaking to each other all!

I still had two as I felt it was right for me, but there are loads of positives of having one. Equally I totally get some people did not have positive experience of being an only child and vice versa and want different for their children.

At the end of the day, everyone's decision and experiences are unique and it seems like whatever decision you make, you'll be judged for it!

It's interesting that you go from have one toddler being asked "when are you giving them a brother/sister" and if you have a third, people then start saying "ohh you've got your hands full there!"

I desperately wanted my 2nd, just as much as my first. I was on the fence about having a 3rd so we didnt. About half of my friends are "one and done" so I think its becoming more the norm now.

I mainly had more than I’ve because I saw it was more fun and easier in the long run. Babies are hard but once they start to play together, a different dynamic develops and parents can be more hands off. Some siblings don’t get on so that can be worse but if they do, it’s excellent.

I always knew I wanted more than one. But I know plenty of people who only have one now, was much less common when I was a kid,

I had one child because I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with another - horrible pregnancy/labour, PND, very limited family help and a rambunctious little boy who was a handful until he was about five years old.

When he was younger I felt guilty and he probably would have benefited from having a sibling to play with but I knew I wouldn’t cope doing it all again.

yes I felt a bit of pressure because it’s the done thing. But I’m SO glad I held firm.

now ten years on, I have no regrets. It was one of my better judgements not to have another.

Yes this is exthow I felt. I wasn't yearning for another baby particularly, and the thought of doing pregnancy/childbirth/the newborn stage again filled me with dread, but I knew our family wouldn't feel complete to me if we stopped at one. As it turned out, the second was a blissfully easy baby and I found having two way more straightforward and less stressful than one.

The people who say they wanted a second so their children wouldn’t be lonely…I suspect there is more to it about actually wanting the second child, at least I hope there is? Perhaps it’s just hard to articulate. To me, it sounds similar to saying you want a child so someone looks after you in your old age which most people would agree is not a good reason to have a child.

I agree with your last statement too. You see it all the time on here and it's normally always people who have had a second boy and are devastated they won't have a daughter.

I actually always wanted the two same gender so was delighted when my second was a boy!

I think a lot of people have always wanted/expected to have "at least two" children, usually because they themselves grew up with a sibling with whom they now get along well, and/or with whom they have fond childhood memories. In that happy context, it's harder to picture what a childhood without siblings will look like.

And honestly, that's fine. It doesn't have to be an agonising decision. You see one child as a default or perhaps you weren't sure about becoming a parent at all - but a lot of people (usually who were always sure they would like to become a parent) see two children as the default. That doesn't make their family planning completely thoughtless or not right for them. It's just a different default.

I think your friend saying "it's just what you do" may be more a case of not being quite able, or simply choosing not to put into words her reasons for choosing to have a second child rather than she's literally having a second child for no reason. That said, I've personally never met any one whose said "it's just what you do" in response to this kind of question so perhaps your friend is also rather unusual.

Your second friend has told you her reason - for her child to have a sibling. Likely because of her own positive experience or having a sibling (or negative experience of being an only child).

It wasn't difficult for me to decide to have a second child though I thought carefully about the timing. I had to think much more carefully about the third. Now we've thought about a fourth but that decision is a 99% no.

Some of the biggest fallouts I’ve seen in my friends and their siblings have been after the death of a parent, often after one sibling was left to do the lions share of elderly care. If you’re an only child at least there is no one to fall out with and you can suit yourself!
Having siblings doesn’t mean they’ll get on, or be helpful. In fact i know more people that have no or poor sibling relationships than are close.

my childhood was wonderful as an only child but seeing my two together now, I realise that having a sibling would have enhanced my childhood.

It might've - it might not have. It's lovely that your two are close but there's no guarantee you would've been to a hypothetical sibling if your parents had chosen to have another one.

Being sat down in a pub after school one day and being told my eldest sibling was going to prison was an interesting experience, not really an enhancing one. As was watching my middle sibling jump on my Mom's bed when he was in a bad mood and break it (not his own 'cos he wasn't that daft!).

Siblings is such an interesting convo 'cos there's no way for a parent to predict whether if they have more they'll gel well together. It could be they stick with one to give that child their full attention but despite that they may grow up and wish they'd had a sibling. There's just literally no way to predict!

Two things stick in my mind about second children - one was my brother saying he had a second so the first would have someone to play with, which I think is a bit of a rubbish thing for any child to hear, and a woman at work criticising my decision not to have a second as 'they need to learn they can't be the centre of attention all the time', after I had said I didn't want to divide my attention between multiple children. Actually what I had meant was that I wanted to be the best parent I could be to my daughter and I didn't feel I would or could be with more children. I couldn't even tell you why I had my daughter in all honesty, it's a mystery why someone who had never wanted children suddenly changed my mind in my mid-30s and fell pregnant at the first time of asking before I could change my mind back.

My daughter is 10 and has a solid relationship with both parents so far, she isn't lonely as we have cultivated an ability to be content in her own company while also facilitating her friendships (which is bloody hard for me as a massive introvert 🤣). I hope that continues. But I know from my family that having siblings is no guarantee of anything anyway. I love my siblings and we have strong bonds through adversity, but my mum has multiple siblings and each of them is only on speaking terms with one, and even then it's rare contact. They're all going to die without their siblings.

Anyway, my daughter is the love of my life. I know your heart expands for more children but I didn't want it to. Its crazy how many families I know who have one magnificent little girl and than don't have any more. The one-daughter-family is elite 👌

My sibling made my life hell when our parents were elderly and after they died.

You can't project your own life experience on others. Each person is different. My life would have been alot easier without my sibling.

I'm an only child and I didn't want that for my children. It was lonely and I desperately wanted someone else in the house to talk to as my parents always banded together.

This. Do people not realise that you can be just as lonely with siblings?

Most people I know who had two was to have one of each mainly if they had a ds first.

I have two ds and very happy I had two. They're best of friends.

From experience, the most pressure/expectation I had to have more than 1 came from the generation above me. Women who implied it was sad that I was not 'giving' DS a sibling or making a 'real' family. I'm hoping that patriarchal idea might fade with time. There are a lot more families of 3 around now than there were when I grew up. As it becomes more normal hopefully parents of one child will feel more comfortable whether they are parents of one by choice or through circumstance. FWIW I felt no urge to have a second. But clearly many parents do. Each to their own.

See Prince William and Prince Harry if you think siblings will always be friends.....

Isn't it much more likely your friend's reasons were complex and personal, quite possibly rather painful (re-evaluating her priorities and direction in the light of a repeated professional failure) and she simply chose to be flippant / defensive rather than open up to you? Or is just a teensy bit of a troll who enjoys people's reactions to her saying this sort of thing?

I always planned on one and done but my daughter was 2 in lockdown and she was just all on her own playing one day and I felt really sorry for her and wanted her to have a sibling to grow up with and have when we are no longer around. They are 7 & 4 now and as close as ever best decision

Because I have siblings and loved having siblings growing up - children want someone to play with and if they get along a sibling is a natural playmate. I love my siblings we're very close, so much closer than friends, and wanted that experience for my children.