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Original poster

To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

377 replies

DairyMilkMaid · 27/12/2025 10:15

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 27/12/2025 10:54

My Mother only ever had ANY children because it was the done thing. I have no idea why on earth she thought it would be a good idea, just what possessed her. She doesn't have an inch of maternal instinct about her. I am totally bemused (if not slightly repulsed if I'm honest) that I grew inside her. I feel a bit sick at the thought of it.

Dontlickthebin · 27/12/2025 10:55

Watching my two play together gives me more joy than anything else in the world.

Bushmillsbabe · 27/12/2025 10:58

Allswellthatendswelll · 27/12/2025 10:20

I think this is true to an extent. Although many people I know, myself included, had a far easier time the second time around and were more relaxed and enjoyed it more. For some of my friends it was even quite a healing experience.

If you are happy with one though I think that's a real sweet spot! You get all the joy of having a child but in a potentially more manageable way.

I was desperate for a second and would have more if I was younger and richer!

Edited

Yep, same. I had bad PPD with my first, and we thought long and hard on whether to have a 2nd. Ultimately we decided to let hope rather than fear control our choices, and 2nd was in many ways easier - it was actually harder as she was quite a poorly baby and the covid lockdown started soon after she was born, but psychologically it was easier - I put much less pressure on myself to be the perfect mum.

DH was an only child and hated it- despite having lots of good friends and cousins he saw regularly, he was always felt he missed out by not having siblings.

EarlofShrewsbury · 27/12/2025 10:58

WareColkar · 27/12/2025 10:39

Out of interest why didn’t you want your DD to be an only child?

By the way - I understand your sentiment because I’m an only child and have found it extremely difficult at times !

Show quote history

My mum was one of 6 and my dad one of 11 and I had many cousins.

By best memories as a child is playing with my brother and my cousins.

My brother has only one child and I couldn't imagine my child only having 1 cousin and no siblings. It was too far removed from my own childhood.

FarmGirl78 · 27/12/2025 11:00

Zov · 27/12/2025 10:39

Well people do mither and whine and goad and blather on. 'when you having another one then?' as if having 'just' ONE is the worst thing in the world! 😱

And if you have a boy 'well you must want a girl now!' And of course if it's a girl 'you'll be trying for a boy next hey?'

And if you have 2 of the same sex, you MUST try to have a different one next! (This is more common when people have two boys, because you MUST want a girrrrl!) 🙄

But rather than the 'done thing' I think it's peer pressure/family pressure/people nagging and badgering people. Bit like the second you get married, it's 'oooh, when are you having a baby then?'

tl;dr people need to feck off and mind their bloody beeswax!

Bloody hell. What insufferable interfering rude nosey people you know!! I'd never dream of saying any of these things to anyone, not do I know anyone who's been asked. You never know what possible heartbreak people go through to get even one baby, let alone a second, or what arguments they're having about whether to have a second or not, or what medical conditions they'd have that mean they tend to miscarry female fetuses etc etc. Am I just odd that I've never crossed paths with someone like this, or are they commonplace? I'm stunned people can be so tone deaf.

BobblyBobbleHat · 27/12/2025 11:02

I agree, we have one daughter because we felt that really that would likely be best for her in today's world. I actually think some people have a second to make sure there are 'carers' available for them as they age. That is something I consider though as I would never want my child to have to care for me in that way. It doesn't matter to me how many children people choose to have, but I think they should do so because they want another child, not because they are 'giving a sibling'. A child is a person, not a gift to another child.

Grumblies · 27/12/2025 11:03

Am I just odd that I've never crossed paths with someone like this, or are they commonplace?

I wouldn't say odd, but lucky. There are definitely lots of people out there who make such comments even complete strangers you only met 2 minutes ago at the park feel they can comment. I'd say your experience to no encounter anyone like that was unusual.

WareColkar · 27/12/2025 11:03

EarlofShrewsbury · 27/12/2025 10:58

My mum was one of 6 and my dad one of 11 and I had many cousins.

By best memories as a child is playing with my brother and my cousins.

My brother has only one child and I couldn't imagine my child only having 1 cousin and no siblings. It was too far removed from my own childhood.

Show quote history

Ah thank you for answering my question !

that’s totally understandable

Endofyear · 27/12/2025 11:03

I always wanted a big family and it would never have occurred to me to stop at one. Everybody's different, some people want one and that's their choice. And people have lots of different reasons for having subsequent children, that's their choice. Does any of it really matter? Do what feels right for you.

whatsit84 · 27/12/2025 11:04

One didn’t feel enough for me even before the fist was born. Within a few weeks of his birth even though he was very poorly at the start I knew I wanted another.

BobblyBobbleHat · 27/12/2025 11:04

Bushmillsbabe · 27/12/2025 10:58

Yep, same. I had bad PPD with my first, and we thought long and hard on whether to have a 2nd. Ultimately we decided to let hope rather than fear control our choices, and 2nd was in many ways easier - it was actually harder as she was quite a poorly baby and the covid lockdown started soon after she was born, but psychologically it was easier - I put much less pressure on myself to be the perfect mum.

DH was an only child and hated it- despite having lots of good friends and cousins he saw regularly, he was always felt he missed out by not having siblings.

Show quote history

Interesting about your dh, I had no siblings and definitely didn't miss having them.

HopSpringsEternal · 27/12/2025 11:05

I think some do. I on the otherhand absolutely yearned for 3 and had 3. As soon as Dc3 was born all broodiness left my body.

BonneMamanAbricot · 27/12/2025 11:06

I was an only until I was a teenager and was always clear that I wanted more than one because I didn’t want mine to have the experience of being an only child. I found it very lonely. I love seeing mine playing (and fighting) together

GAJLY · 27/12/2025 11:06

My second was definitely planned. I wanted my child to have a sibling, so they’d have someone when my husband and I are gone. The second born meant she had someone to play with instead of me. It was lovely to see them play together. Even now as teens, it’s nice to see them play games together or chat.

gandeysflipflop · 27/12/2025 11:06

Lifeisapeach · 27/12/2025 10:44

Only child here.

my childhood was wonderful in some respects but pretty lonely in others. I longed for sibling company that my cousins and friends had.

Dealing with my parents health issues and then eventual death was an incredibly lonely and painful experience with no sibling support.

I have 2 siblings but am caring for our terminally ill parent who also has dementia alone. siblings are not interested in the slightest and do not even phone. I know all funeral arrangements when it comes to it will be solely down to me. So having siblings sometimes doesn't make a difference in dealing with elderly parents. more often than you think its left to just one of the child. usually a daughter who lives the closest. which is me. social worker said they see this all the time.

Cakeandcardio · 27/12/2025 11:07

I think people who stop at one are often more on the fence and perhaps not the best suited to parenthood. I always wanted more than one and am delighted with my two. I realised after 2 that 3 wasn't for us.

LarkAscendingRose · 27/12/2025 11:08

I remember being annoyed at someone asking me when I was going to have another when dd was 6 weeks old.
On the other hand I remember an elderly gent at the garden centre asking if my youngest was a boy or girl. I said girl (I have two girls) and he said "Never mind, you'll have a boy next time." I just found it funny/silly so wasn't bothered by it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/12/2025 11:08

I think it's really complex. I knew I wanted two children...but I was never looking forward to the first few years of having a toddler and a baby as I knew it would be tough. So I never really felt 'ready' and wasn't desperate for a second baby. But I'm really glad we had two.

BobblyBobbleHat · 27/12/2025 11:09

Cakeandcardio · 27/12/2025 11:07

I think people who stop at one are often more on the fence and perhaps not the best suited to parenthood. I always wanted more than one and am delighted with my two. I realised after 2 that 3 wasn't for us.

Wow, that seems a very odd and rather ignorant view. I love being a parent and can give more quality time to dd because she is one. My choice had nothing to do with my ability to be a good parent.

Dontknowwhattocall13893 · 27/12/2025 11:09

I don't think that's necessarily the case anymore. I have a 2 year old and pregnant with my second now and amongst my friends with kids we've spoken frequently about whether yo have a second or not exploring qll the reasons qnd pros and cons so it's definitely a well considered decision in my friend group. A few are leaning one and done but most are wanting a second.

StinkerTroll · 27/12/2025 11:11

I always wanted 3, couldn't tell you why, just felt like the right number, husband only wanted 2 and they don't come in half measures...... lots of discussions with dh, decision was made to stop at 2. I would have still loved 3 but there came a point where I didn't want to start again and I was getting too old 😞😞

smilingatthesun · 27/12/2025 11:11

We wanted one, had one, the amount of people asking if we are sure we only want one. And how it's not to late to have another.
We dont want another, we wanted 1 and happy with 1. Hes older and bringing in a baby would change things so much, we dont want that change.

Ecrire · 27/12/2025 11:11

I had a second child because I am an only child and for various reasons I concluded that I wanted another experience when it came to having children.

On the other hand - DH was happy to stop at 2 kids because he was one of three and had his own reasons for not wanting 3.

I did not want 1. DH did not want 3 and more. We both wanted 2.

Important NB - if asked why we had 2, we tend to shrug and say “dunno” and not get into any kind of reason providing because we do not want to get into the bingo of -

“Oh siblings aren’t guaranteed to get on you know”
”Only children get so much more money and resources”
”2 is so typical - I loved being one of 19”
etc etc

In fact thinking of it I think we never get into providing reasons and this is the first time I’ve actually written it out!

LongBreath · 27/12/2025 11:12

Cakeandcardio · 27/12/2025 11:07

I think people who stop at one are often more on the fence and perhaps not the best suited to parenthood. I always wanted more than one and am delighted with my two. I realised after 2 that 3 wasn't for us.

On what evidence?

sharkstale · 27/12/2025 11:12

I didn't want a second child. It took me almost 8 years to have another, and once I did, I questioned why I hadn't done it sooner for them to be closer in age.
Although saying that, the age gap currently works incredibly well and I'm not sure I'd have coped with the early days with two at the same time.
But I'm very, very grateful my dd now has a sibling, so it's understandable why people have the 2nd even if they're not sure.