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Original poster

To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

377 replies

DairyMilkMaid · 27/12/2025 10:15

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 27/12/2025 10:36

Not for us, I wanted 3, dh wanted 2, we had our first and he is neurodivergent and had health issues. Dh was ready to stop altogether but I desparately wanted a second and COVID gave us space to have a second in a little bubble and it has been a joy. I don't want a third now though, I just don't have the capacity mentally

Borgonzola · 27/12/2025 10:37

Yes, pretty sure it’s why I exist.

I really wanted another baby, so I did. I wouldn’t have another now, but I think it was the right decision for me.

notacooldad · 27/12/2025 10:38

My DD is nearly 7 months old and to be honest, I have no desire to have a second whatsoever. Even my husband is feeling like this at the minute, and he always thought he would have a big family when he was younger.
I didnt have a desire when my baby was that age.
It was around tge toddler stage a very strong desire to have another child kicked in.It became overwhelming.

ILoveFoodAndCoffee · 27/12/2025 10:38

We only ever wanted one. We didn't need to move house, we could give her everything she wanted/ needed. Extra curricular activities, nursery at a really good local nursery. Holidays and most importantly, my time was given to her. We did all sorts of trips and visits. She is an older teen now.
We can fully support her through uni. Both emotionally and financially.

ParallelLimes · 27/12/2025 10:39

To those saying they didn't want their children to be only children, can I ask why? I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood.
I was an only and my childhood was lonely and boring. I saw my NDNs (5 kids one side, 3 on the other) and yearned for what they had. It's funny how many onlys seem to forget all those deep pangs of longing for a brother or sister, all those times they asked mum/dad if they could have a sibling for Christmas, etc. All the onlys I knew growing up felt the same. It's like onlys get on MN and just... forget. Wait until your parents die and you're the only one at the funeral. Now that's bloody awful as well. I don't want any of that for my kids.

Zov · 27/12/2025 10:39

Well people do mither and whine and goad and blather on. 'when you having another one then?' as if having 'just' ONE is the worst thing in the world! 😱

And if you have a boy 'well you must want a girl now!' And of course if it's a girl 'you'll be trying for a boy next hey?'

And if you have 2 of the same sex, you MUST try to have a different one next! (This is more common when people have two boys, because you MUST want a girrrrl!) 🙄

But rather than the 'done thing' I think it's peer pressure/family pressure/people nagging and badgering people. Bit like the second you get married, it's 'oooh, when are you having a baby then?'

tl;dr people need to feck off and mind their bloody beeswax!

WareColkar · 27/12/2025 10:39

EarlofShrewsbury · 27/12/2025 10:24

I definitely wanted the first. I wasn't arsed either way about a second. I didn't want, but I wasn't against either.

I went ahead with a second purely so my DD wasn't an only child. I didn't want that for her.

I got sterilised after the second.

Out of interest why didn’t you want your DD to be an only child?

By the way - I understand your sentiment because I’m an only child and have found it extremely difficult at times !

ParallelLimes · 27/12/2025 10:39

But for the record I didn't have a second "because it's the done thing", I wanted 6 but had to stop at 2 for medical reasons.

LarkAscendingRose · 27/12/2025 10:40

I had a positive experience of having a sibling and still do. So I wanted that for my dc. They are now young adults and it was the right decision as they like having a sibling and enjoyed it as children. Choosing to be one and done is also fine if it's the right decision for you.

Wynter25 · 27/12/2025 10:41

Nope. Knew i wanted more than one

Grumblies · 27/12/2025 10:41

I think that's a fair observation. Of the people I know with two or more children giving their child a sibling is the most common reason for having another child, they all cite the old nonsense of not wanting a lonely only.

Funnily enough though in my DS's class those with siblings are significantly outnumbered by those without which seems to be the opposite of when I was at school, only two of my classmates had no siblings.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2025 10:44

Honestly I think a lot of people have children period because “it’s what you do”.

For generations a lot of women have felt its the only life open to them. The pressure is relentless from puberty onwards to find a boyfriend then find a husband theh have children. Until fairly recently it took a strong minded woman, or one raised in a fairly progressive family, to say no that's not for me and pursue another path. There’s still a strong vestige of this attitude in many communities.

I’m always fairly shocked when I go on Mumsnet by the number of people on here who very clearly didn’t want children at all and thoroughly dislike motherhood but they did it anyway by default.

Then once you have had one child it becomes a conveyor belt that you are on. You become a career mother and its hard to step off that conveyor belt. You also have the added judgment handed down to people who have only children that they are “selfish”. So yes I agree.

Flintgranet · 27/12/2025 10:44

I think a large proportion of life decisions happen because it's the done thing.

Lifeisapeach · 27/12/2025 10:44

Only child here.

my childhood was wonderful in some respects but pretty lonely in others. I longed for sibling company that my cousins and friends had.

Dealing with my parents health issues and then eventual death was an incredibly lonely and painful experience with no sibling support.

WareColkar · 27/12/2025 10:45

CandiedPrincess · 27/12/2025 10:26

Exactly this.

I always knew I wanted my child to have a sibling and it was the right thing to do. Seeing the relationship my children have is an absolute joy.

Show quote history

Why especially did you want your child to have a sibling ?

I can understand because I myself found being an only child at times lonely and difficult

anotheryeardone · 27/12/2025 10:46

I always wanted lots of children and I love every minute with all 4 of mine. I’d have more if I had room and wasn’t peri
It wasn’t always easy to get pregnant and we lost a couple along the way but I’m so grateful for all mine.

Some people couldn’t imagine 4 children, I couldn’t imagine not having them.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 27/12/2025 10:47

I had the first baby due to a deep longing to become a parent that started at 29/30 ish out of nowhere really. Always knew I would try and have a second as I have a big age gap with my sibling and was desperately lonely as a child. DH is an only but had a happier childhood but now wishes he could share the worry of his aging parents.

YouBelongHere · 27/12/2025 10:47

ParallelLimes · 27/12/2025 10:39

To those saying they didn't want their children to be only children, can I ask why? I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood.
I was an only and my childhood was lonely and boring. I saw my NDNs (5 kids one side, 3 on the other) and yearned for what they had. It's funny how many onlys seem to forget all those deep pangs of longing for a brother or sister, all those times they asked mum/dad if they could have a sibling for Christmas, etc. All the onlys I knew growing up felt the same. It's like onlys get on MN and just... forget. Wait until your parents die and you're the only one at the funeral. Now that's bloody awful as well. I don't want any of that for my kids.

It's the luck of the draw though, isn't it? I have two siblings, both with mental disabilities - one born with it, one who acquired it. If something were to happen to my parents I would not just be left with the worry of sorting their affairs but also making sure my siblings are in order. They will be at my parents funeral when the time comes but I will not be able to lean on either of them for support.

I do think when considering another baby you have to remember you don't get to choose and not everyone ends up incredibly close to their siblings. I quite like the idea of a quiet, sibling free childhood but clearly it wasn't a positive experience in your case. We all wonder what could've been!

SimplyBudgie · 27/12/2025 10:48

To those saying they didn't want their children to be only children, can I ask why?

Do you really need a huge list of reasons why people prefer more than one dc? It's a preference, it's allowed.

We have 3 and when I look at them all together I'm confident it was the right decision - siblings have only enhanced the dc's lives imo.

Bluepurpleraindisco · 27/12/2025 10:48

I want 1 more to make it 2 because I don’t want my daughter to be an only child and I also don’t want her to have nobody when im
gone. I love my sister she is the best support network to me so I want that for my own daughter.

RoamingToaster · 27/12/2025 10:49

To those saying they didn't want their children to be only children, can I ask why? I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood

Since two children is quite common, many people who had a wonderful childhood had it with their sibling. Obviously not all, just like not all only children liked being alone.
I have lots of nice memories on holidays, at relatives etc with my sibling.
I wouldn’t be surprised if people from bigger families are more likely to have big families if they liked their childhood.

PatsFishTank · 27/12/2025 10:50

My DH and I both wanted three DC so we did. There was no social obligation to have more than one, it just wasn't what we wanted. They're young adults now and seeing them together over Christmas has been a joy.

My DM died recently and it was a huge relief to share the grief, funeral planning and sorting out her estate with my siblings.

There's a big age gap between me and my two siblings so I kind of experienced being an only child and I would have loved a sibling close to my age. I was quite often lonely.

Agapornis · 27/12/2025 10:52

I don't have any (and won't), but my 7 year old niece questioned my choice this Christmas Grin I don't think she knows any other adults without children.

People are weird about (not) having X amount of children, they were raised a certain way and that will be their gold standard that they project on their surroundings.

TiarasandEmeralds · 27/12/2025 10:52

To choose not to is hard

It really really is not a hard choice at all. If you only want one child, don’t have any more, if you don’t want any, don’t have them. What is so difficult about that? In this day and age are people still bringing children into the world just because of what other people think?? Those people are not the ones who will be taking care of the children!

Punkerplus · 27/12/2025 10:53

I sometimes wish I'd been more confident to just stick with one as life would have been more easier even though my second is a generally easy baby.

I don't find anything "wrong" with having an only child and don't get on with my own siblings but I did when I was younger and have happy memories us all playing together and making up games and I did want that for my eldest. I also always imagined having two and I was conscious of how small our family was.

As it is, they have a wonderful bond so far so I hope its been the right decision. Wanting a sibling for your first isn't a bad thing nor is sticking with one child.