Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

377 replies

DairyMilkMaid · 27/12/2025 10:15

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

OP posts:
Eyeshadow · 27/12/2025 11:13

I voted YABU because I’ve never heard of anyone doing it ‘because it’s the done thing’.

But most do it so their child has a sibling - which I understand and tbh in support of.

I think what’s not talked about as much is secretly hoping that they’ll get one of each - which is why many parents people have 3 kids.

HisNotHes · 27/12/2025 11:13

Stop at one if that’s what feels right for you! It’s no one else’s business.

Personally I felt quite strongly that I wanted eldest to have a little companion in the family, and also we wanted to experience the immense amount of love we had for her, for another child. So it definitely felt like something we wanted to do, but it’s not the same for everyone.

cantbearsed247 · 27/12/2025 11:13

We only have one and i think it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. He's a young adult now and it's been so easy and calm compared to friends who have 2 or more.

I desperately wish I'd been an only too. Dreading having to sort out my parents estate with my sibling.

fableless · 27/12/2025 11:14

I have one. Agonised over #2 when my DD was 2-4 yo. Lots of people assume you will have 2+ and got lots of comments about how I have to.

Hated being mum to a toddler and had a traumatic birth that left me with permanent injuries. Was somehow still considering it.

A friend (who is an only child) said to me, “Mate if I was you I just wouldn’t bother.” and it was so refreshingly different from what others were saying.

Now happy with just 1 and love the ease and lower costs! I have no idea how we’d have paid for nursery again. Luckily where we live there are lots of other only children so it’s not unusual & my daughter has found a best friend who is also an only and they play round each others houses all the time.

Sprogonthetyne · 27/12/2025 11:15

I really not a fan of pregnancy, childbirth or the baby stage, and would happily have not done it a second time, especially while already caring for a toddler. However I absolutely love seeing my kids play together and watching their relationship develop. They also absolutely adore day's out with the cousins and been in a big family group.

I'm glad I wasn't an only child, and also glad I could give the same to my kids. Doesn't mean it's right for every family, but it just felt right for ours.

HisNotHes · 27/12/2025 11:15

Eyeshadow · 27/12/2025 11:13

I voted YABU because I’ve never heard of anyone doing it ‘because it’s the done thing’.

But most do it so their child has a sibling - which I understand and tbh in support of.

I think what’s not talked about as much is secretly hoping that they’ll get one of each - which is why many parents people have 3 kids.

I think your last paragraph is right in a lot of cases - the majority of families I know with three children, the first two are the same sex (usually boys!).
Obviously the third may or may not work out as the one they hoped for.

Neversaynever2893 · 27/12/2025 11:16

I was an only child for 10 years. As much as I love my MUCH younger siblings. I loved being an only. I had one because I genuinely wanted to be a mother. Always agreed one and never ever felt the desire to have another. Had comments for years 🤔 my child loves being an only.

Rushedabit · 27/12/2025 11:17

Always wanted 3 or 4 children so don’t identify with this at all OP. Certainly didn’t have more than one because of any societal pressure.

Kaytyb · 27/12/2025 11:19

Maybe for your friend it was a gut feeling that it was the right thing for her but doesn’t want to go to the effort of analysing and articulating exactly why, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t think many people these days have a second unless it’s what they really want to do

Bellyblueboy · 27/12/2025 11:19

Is this a thread you started to make yourself feel better. It seems really patronising.

Do you really think you are the only person intelligent enough to weigh up the pros and cons of one child versus two? Come on OP, that’s a little narcissistic

Metalplate · 27/12/2025 11:20

I didn’t want a second child on the ground that I didn’t think I would ever be able to love second child as much as first. I was very ill with my first (hospital and nearly died was in intensive care for about a week afterwards) I was told there was a higher risk of having the condition as I had already had it but that it was still low. It was ex husband that wanted baby two. He persuaded me.

I am happy that I love child 2 exactly the same as child 1. However I did develop the same condition and had child 2 very early.

Every situation is different and I now have an ex husband - I have a new husband we met later in life and I probably could of tried for a baby but at 44 I was done and he was 50 with adult children.

There are too many factors at play here finances, SEN, your relationship with partner and each child.

However when I look back I took massive hits in careers, pension and that’s just for pregnancy and maternity. When I was raising a lot of children on my own - childcare never mind a mortgage crippled me and I could not progress on the career ladder because I was parenting.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/12/2025 11:21

My husband was the main driver for both of ours, and the second it was definitely just thinking it’s what we should do but, that said, I’m so glad we have two, they love each other and it makes the family dynamic so much easier. I would have been happy with one but I think their lives, and ours are better with two. I had very easy pregnancies and births so I didn’t have those things to think about.

Just to add, I see this from both sides as I am an only child.

Toucanfusingforme · 27/12/2025 11:22

I was really close to my sibling, so it never crossed my mind to have anything other than 2. I actually had 3, and enjoyed having the third one so much because there was no pressure. (Other than being the mother of 3 of five and under!)It didn’t matter if they sat up at six months or seven months, when they started walking etc. I could just enjoy being a mum. There is no right answer- you have to do what works in your life.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 27/12/2025 11:24

ha I doubt it. It’s so their kids have a playmate and hopefully (I know not always the case) someone they can call family after parents are gone

SandyY2K · 27/12/2025 11:24

DairyMilkMaid · 27/12/2025 10:33

I think you're right actually. There's a lot of pressure on people to take a certain path and kids are definitely part of that.

To those saying they didn't want their children to be only children, can I ask why? I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood. DH has a brother but they're not particularly close and I don't know how much contact they'll have once my in-laws aren't around anymore.

Show quote history

I never wanted only one child. I'm one of four and just couldn't imagine not having any siblings. The memories and shared childhood experiences you have are unique to siblings.

I didn't have a second child, because it's what people do...I actually would have had a third, but the gender was a thing for me.

minipie · 27/12/2025 11:25

DH and I were both one of two and I think that influenced us hugely. Two was always our default setting for that reason.

I found having my first really really tough - various medical reasons, plus I’m just not a baby person. So arguably I should have reconsidered at that point- and for a while I did, I definitely was one and done for the first 6 months.

However, once the initial shock wore off, hating the baby stage didn’t seem like a good enough reason not to have a second child - after all I’d already totally changed my life, in for a penny in for a pound right ?! I think I underestimated how much extra work having two would be (I convinced myself number 2 would be a great sleeper!! Hahaha). Don’t regret it though.

FlyingApple · 27/12/2025 11:26

Not for me, I wanted more children. I really enjoy them, they are so much fun.

TiarasandEmeralds · 27/12/2025 11:26

Cakeandcardio · 27/12/2025 11:07

I think people who stop at one are often more on the fence and perhaps not the best suited to parenthood. I always wanted more than one and am delighted with my two. I realised after 2 that 3 wasn't for us.

What a stupid thick comment. I wanted two (husband wasn’t fussed about number) but when my daughter was born I had this intense rush of emotions and I felt she just completed our family.

She’s a preteen now and I’ve never wanted or yearned for another.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango2023 · 27/12/2025 11:27

One child and one child only here. The end of my pregnancy was traumatic because we were told DS would be born with brain damage and offered a late term abortion. I'm so glad we said no because he isn't brain damaged and I would hate to think i'd aborted a perfectly healthy baby.

The first 6 weeks were a nightmare due to his milk allergy. Both me and hubby really struggled and he's really hands on.

Then on top of that I suffered from really bad PPD. We've always said no more because of this and I can't imagine ever wanting to go through that again.

FlyingApple · 27/12/2025 11:27

Also maybe she's a bit flippant like me, I'd probably say it's just what you do isn't it, for a bit of a little joke. Not everyone is always serious.

Miranda65 · 27/12/2025 11:27

Lots of people have their first/only child because they "think it's the done thing", tbh.

MummaMummaMumma · 27/12/2025 11:31

I disagree.
I couldn't wait to have a second.
Then a third, but not a fourth! My family felt complete at 3. Nothing to do with the sex of the baby. We made the right choice. They're all close in ages and get on amazingly well. Absolute best friends who play constantly all day since they were tiny. Their childhood has been much more happy because of it I am sure.

Dolphindances · 27/12/2025 11:31

I think if people are fully honest - this is the reason a large majority have a first.

I have also had a friend who could not pass her professional exams who openly admitted she had a baby as she ‘had nothing else to do’. Her words.

TennesseeDreams · 27/12/2025 11:32

I had one. We were older parents and decided that when he was 3 years old we would talk about a second then. But we had such an awful time- I had awful PND and he has SEN and learning difficulties. So we stopped there.

I an grateful every single day we did not have another. DS is 15 now and we have been able to give him so many opportunities we could not have done if we had more than one. He is in a specialist school we pay for. We have been able to set up a disabled trust to hopefully secure his future. We do loads of enrichment activities with him and travel alot. It was the best decision for us and I just love being a parent.

We have had so much judgement for everything. Older parents. Tick. One child and a 'lonely only' or 'spoiled only' check. I think the world would be a much better place generally if people did what was truly right for their own selves, rather than what society tells them is neccessary.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/12/2025 11:34

For those saying about being an only child, my childhood was wonderful as an only child but seeing my two together now, I realise that having a sibling would have enhanced my childhood. My mum lost a baby after me so it was not a choice she made for me. Dad was always happy with one though.