To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

[DairyMilkMaid]

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

I said I wanted two until DS was about 18 months then wasn't too bothered. He wasn't a great sleeper and I wasn't sure I wanted to start again once he'd started to become more settled. I was very much 'if it happens, it happens' rather than really trying. I was almost 40 so not confident it would anyway. DD came along about a year after that and I'm thankful for her every day because at 19 now, she's still an absolute joy.

My first was a traumatic birth, Nicu stay and I had some weird intrusive thoughts/ anxiety when he was a baby. DH had some PND and struggled to bond (they are super close now). Second was a calm birth and she was with me from the start and DH has found her an easier baby. I've found her a total delight to the extent I feel a bit guilty about how much more we've enjoyed it than DS being a baby (I don't think this is a gender thing- a friend had the same experience with opposite genders).
I'd love a third but the second experience has been so positive I don't think we could improve on it..plus boring money considerations and being older etc.

This.

we are told in both subtle and unsubtle ways that we have to do it.

DH is one of 4. He/we speak to only one of his sisters. It's an undemanding relationship and amicable. The others- nope. The acrimony is great and always has been- and they are all in their late 60s and 70s now.

My father is one of 4. He does not speak to any of his siblings. As soon as their parents died they breathed a sigh of relief and abandoned any pretence of harmony. They are in their 80s.

My mother is one of 4. She was the youngest and spent her whole entire life being bullied and trying to make her siblings love her. She does not speak to two of them. The other is in hospital as we speak and my mother flew to the hospital to visit her and her sister exclaimed when she walked in; 'What the fuck are you doing here you fucking bitch?'. Late 80s.

TBH i seriously do not think my DS is missing out by being an only child.

Absolutely think lots of people have a first child because it’s the done thing. Similarly, I know a few people with 4/5 children who seem to have just stumbled into it through shoddy birth control choices and feeling like maybe the next one will make them happy. It’s a bit like how my mum moves houses. She’s 75 and has moved houses about 7 times since retirement, because maybe the next time will be the one that fills the hole. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That said, I think there is a strong social expectation that a 2-3 year age gap is the norm. Lots of women aren’t ready at that stage, but do it because they’re worried they’ll fall off a cliff edge if they wait til they’re actually ready. I have 5 years between mine. I didn’t even start to get a little inkling of thinking I might be ready again in the future until my eldest was 3.5. By the time she was 4.5 and I was trying, I was definitely wanting to have a 2nd child.

We have one child and know several other families who have also actively chosen to have one. (I also have many friends who have chosen not to have children). I think the days of women defaulting to having multiple children, or feeling pressurised to, are thankfully declining.

Utter nonsense. I always wanted 1 child and no more in the same way you "always wanted more than one" and according to the expert on my parenting skills (DD), I'm a bloody good one.

We’re currently trying for our first at 36 so I haven’t reached this point but it’s something I’ve already thought about, and discussed with my husband, a lot.

I’m from a big family with four half siblings and I love it so in an ideal world I’d have had 3+ children by now. Life didn’t work out like that and I’m very nervous about coping with two under 2 so can’t say what we’ll do.

Having siblings is nice but I also know what it’s like to be brought up by a parent who can’t cope and I want to break that cycle. I’d rather have one and do it well than have two or more and not be able to fully meet their needs. It seems controversial to say that though, a few friends have already told me you just have to get on with it because having one is selfish.

You see it all the time on here, people debating if they should have a second to give the first one a sibling. It’s by no means everyone and some of my friends have made very conscious decisions to have second children. I also have friends that I think have had subsequent children because it’s the done thing. My friend I think had a second to give the first a sibling, despite neither of them getting on with their siblings. Their second has additional needs and life was a lot easier when she had one.

I think you should only have children when you want children. I’m not talking about the urge because that is often hormones. I desperately wanted a second immediately after DC was born, I didn’t act on it because I knew my hormones weren’t to be trusted. When I say wanting children, it’s when the excuses don’t really hold any weight anymore. Having a child and then subsequent children is a drain on your finances, time. There are loads of reasons to not have kids but they just don’t matter when you want them. Worried it’ll be tight financially, you’ll make do, you always do. Worried about postpartum depression again, you know what to spot this time and you’ll put x, y and z in place to hopefully prevent it. It’ll be a drain on your time, you’ve already got 1/2/3 so what’s the difference really?

It's not my experience, I wanted my second dc very much.

I think wanting your first to have a sibling is a perfectly legitimate reason to have a second thought.

I always knew that if I had children I'd want more than 1.
I was an only child and absolutely hated it, my biggest wish was to have a sibling. I remember being about 14 and my mum told me she was pregnant, the joy & excitement I felt was unreal. She quickly followed that with "I'm joking" & my heart honestly broke slightly (I know that sounds dramatic but that's how it felt & I still remember the stab of disappointment & I'm 46!!).
So personally, no, I didn't have a second child because it's the done thing. I did it because it was what DH & I definitely wanted (we were talking about it in the delivery room 30 minutes after baby number 1 arrived).
If I'd been younger and we'd been wealthier we may well have had a baby #3.

What a weird and offensive comment. I stopped at one child and love being a parent to her - it’s the best thing I ever did. I just never felt broody again after having her (having previously been desperate for a baby), and didn’t want to have a second child purely because it’s what you’re ‘meant’ to do.

My second wasn't planned, and I'm not sure I ever would have felt ready to have another as I found becoming a parent extremely overwhelming and exhausting. I didn't know I was pregnant with dc2 until I was too far along to really consider the alternatives. I definitely think we would have only had one if it weren't for our surprise baby! Dc1 was only 18 months when I became pregnant the second time though, maybe I would have changed my mind over time and wanted another, but I do remember vividly thinking quite regularly, "why the hell does anyone WANT to do this twice!?" Anyway, I was miserable the whole pregnancy wondering how I would cope with 2, and the first year was extremely hard, there were plenty of times I wished it was just me and dd1 again, but once the hard bit was out the way, dd2 really has been the absolute light of all our lives, and I couldn't imagine life any other way. The dc absolutely adore eachother and really are best friends. I am extremely grateful for our surprise pregnancy now, as I don't think I ever would have made the conscious decision to have another... I guess alot of people say that about surprise 3rd 4th 5th pregnancies though, and I definitely am not up for that 🤣. I think dd1 would be alot more "bored" without her sibling to entertain her. Holidays are nice as they play together and we get a break, and they're constantly playing together. Thry sleep in the same bed most nights, and we often have to go and quieten them down as they're giggling away and chatting to eachother, it can be such a special relationship between siblings. There's a child on our road who's an only, and she's at our house most days, because she just wants to be around other children. I'm not close to any of my siblings though, and wasn't growing up, so I know that it's not set in stone that they'll get on so well. Plenty of my friends kids live to upset and wind eachother up!

I want a second child, not a second baby but will have no choice but to go through the baby stage. I will no doubt find it horrible and complain about it and even the thought of another colicky newborn makes my blood run cold.

People can want more children but also find it really hard at the same time.

mine is an only ( grown up now ) but I had him young at 19
big extended family very close to his cousins one who is like his younger sister as there is 3 years age difference and they went to the same schools & colleges
Very close to his grandparents and other family members

we all live within 10mins max from each other so are in close contact especially when they were younger

with my sisters eldest we had lots of family holidays and doing stuff together so like brother / sister without the extra expenses & headaches 😂

I had 0 interest in having any more
i wanted to ensure I was able to give him a good life financially & emotionally and I don’t think I couldn’t do if I had more than one ( single parent)

I made sure that he had lots of kids clubs activities to do when he was younger so he always had plenty of friends and was well socialised

he isn’t spoilt despite being an only child
yes he’s had lots of advantages.

Big inheritance that enabled him to buy a house with a small mortgage at a young age
lots of amazing holidays and school / college trips growing up

and as he is my only one I’m able to help him out financially with stuff even as an adult

Also see a lot of my friends with 2-3 kids who had them older than me and they are permanently stressed and broke and I think all of them who have 2 plus are separated / getting separated often after they last kid is baby

I think this is quite far off the mark. Many people who have one stop at one because they don't want to go through it again or don't feel the need to go through it again, and many can't go through it again. In my case I didn't want children, but I did want this one. She was so, so wanted that I developed severe anxiety that continues to this day and I have PTSD from a traumatic birth where the trauma was fear for her life. That's not unusual - and some people go on to have more children under those circumstances, but many don't.

Am I suited to parenthood? I'm suited to parenting this child. Its the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I work at it every day of my life. There are many offensive comparisons I could make to people who have a second child to palm the children off on each other but it wouldn't be any more true than the nonsense you've posted here.

I was one and done for a long time. Then I hit 30 and thought.. I want another baby.

Had another baby. I’ve a boy and a girl. 7 year age gap, which is lovely, and hard.

I’m 35 now, and occasionally find myself thinking.. but no, we are done. Done. Definitely. Life is easier now, we all fit in our cars, can afford a high lifestyle with us. We could afford another but I dunno, I’d love a little newborn to snuggle and feed and have the bubble, but I really dislike toddlers and never quite developed the patience for them that I wanted.

Your baby is tiny. I hated the baby stage (non sleeper colicky baby). Mine is almost 18 months now and absolutely delightful. I didn't think I'd like this stage so much but I actually love every single day with him.

You really can't decide anything when baby is so small. Lots of people only really start seriously thinking about a second when their first is 2 or 3 years old.

Came here to say exactly this. It’s much more common than people think.

Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee you will get that support. DH and his DB have nothing to do with each other, DH has done all of the caring towards his D parents.

I totally agree. We decided to be one and done. We are very happy as a family of three so why rock the boat and put ourselves under so much more pressure financially, mentally and physically to have another one?

The argument of giving your child a sibling is irrelevant to me as they may never get along anyway. Do what makes you and your partner happy.

Your post here is exactly why the only child stereotypes are so false and ridiculous

if an only child were genuinely ‘spoilt’ then in my opinion they wouldn’t be lonely - because in my opinion, spoiling a child means, as well as giving them lots of presents, also means bending backwards to ensure they’re not lonely - making sure the child had emotional support and company at all times if they wanted it

This is what makes the negative only child stereotype so ridiculous it even contradicts itself!!

I was a only child and had my 2nd child so my 1st was not , it was the best thing I ever did , they are so close and are a constant support to each other ( although it wasn’t always like this when they were younger)
im in my 50s now and still would love a sibling

I have three siblings and had a lovely childhood with them. We’re still very close and we all support each other, have fun together and are happy with our extended family. I wanted the same for my children, they’re adults now, still very close and are there for each other, they love having close family connections.
I could never see myself just having one child, family is everything to us.

We only had one. A boy now nearly 17. Although we didnt think we’d have him as were told it wouldn’t be possible then miraculously he came along. Ideal world I wanted two which never happened but looking back and now I’m glad we don’t have two. We wouldn’t have afforded what we do for him and us with two. Hes benefited in every way. Holidays clothes shoes experiences etc etc. There is no guarantee that if he had a sibling they would have ever got on or would in later life. Husband is an only child and I have a brother who we don’t get on at all. Also being an only child he will inherit everything we have and hopefully be ok financially when we’re gone as opposed to having to split it. Lots of positives to one xx