To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

[DairyMilkMaid]

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

I work in Older adult social work and I really think that when deciding on a second child, the issue of who is going to care for you when you're older or if you're children will support each other should be kept aside.

NOTHING in life is guaranteed. Some of us might not need care, our children might not get on or they might move away are just a few of the scenarios that might happen. I've seen it happen all to often in my work to know children and siblings are no guarantee of anything.

No one should be having unwanted children to care for them or badgering others about this issue. Children aren't an insurance policy for yourselves or each other.

I also read that it can take only children longer to learn the fallibilities of their parents. I don’t know if this is absolutely true - but they might have a point.

I have no doubt this is true largely because you have someone to process, analyse and resolve with.

My parents had me because having children is what you do and they had my younger brother so that I wasn't an only child. Double whammy.

In reality, neither of them was emotionally mature or aware enough to raise children and the result was two very unhappy adults which led to abuse, and two very damaged children (now in our late 40s/50s).

Even now, I'm still living with the impact of it (despite years of various types of therapy) and struggle to form meaningful and positive relationships with others.

My brother and I have a close but somewhat dysfunctional relationship nowadays. We wouldn't have got through it without each other but also wouldn't have had to get through it if our patients had made better choices in life.

It's one of the reasons it irks me when a woman posts on here about an uwanted pregnancy and posters tell her that a child is always a blessing. For some people, it really isn't and there shouldn't be any shame in that.

My upbringing was sadly exactly like yours apart from the fact I’m an only child so no brother. I empathise with you. Hard isn’t it? ❤️

But I can see that having a sibling does enable people to analyse and resolve, something an only child can’t benefit from. However. with genuinely emotionally mature and supportive parents, this needn’t be a problem

Hang on a second - so on the figures you’ve given, nearly £138bn of our welfare bill (more than 30%) is the state pension alone? And we spend roughly the same on universal credit, which essentially subsidises low-paying employers? And you conclude from that that large families are the ‘problem’?

I mean have as many kids as you like obviously but if one of the main reasons is as quoted there is simply no guarantee. When my Mum had cancer I had zero support from my geographically closest sibling which actually made things harder. I'd rather be an only child and manage things my way than deal with a hopeless sibling and the feelings of resentment and anger it bought. As someone else said support networks come in many different forms - not just siblings.

I am ashamed to say I had a 2nd child in case the 1st child died young!!

I don’t think we ever had a grand plan - we had one, liked it enough to do it again, had another and that felt like enough. We are lucky enough that the DC are very close but that’s really down to their personalities, I know more parents who spend their lives refereeing sibling arguments.

I find it quite strange people having a fixed idea about having children based around what will happen to them in adulthood / the older age of parents- there are so many variables and so few guarantees.

Life is all just a roll of the dice, I think having set expectations for any of it is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I think that’s an understandable anxiety. It’s common for parents to overly worry. I would think though if that’s the primary reason then that sounds like you have anxiety issues.

In your mum's case, it was the definitely the wrong thing to keep having kids. A child shouldn't have to ask for the basics like you did and then be called ungrateful.

I'm sorry you and your siblings had that experience.

I think many have more than one because being an only child can be hard on children.

Whilst more children is undoubtedly more work and stress, it’s also more love and fun. My kids love each other deeply and their childhood is definitely enhanced by having each other. I’m also close to my sister and value that relationship enough to want it for my children.

Any decision you make is fine. Having a bad pregnancy and birth is enough to put you off having a second. It's not selfish to have one child..it's a matter of choice.

I'm always amazed that friends think it's their place to comment on the number of kids you have or don't have.

I may look at people struggling with the number they have abs going on to have more, but I keep those thoughts too myself.

Thanks for your insightful and sensitive comments on this thread, they have actually helped me to work through a few things in my own head. And also for sharing your own experiences.

I would say re. other mums, it's been a case of people I met at the same time my son was a baby losing interest and not really wanting to bother with us as they have gone on to have second and in some cases, third, babies. As a another poster said, it's like we're not really "in the club" any more. Some of it may be because they are understandably very busy but I distinctly have a feeling of being less socially desirable.

There have also been a few throwaway comments from other mums and friends that have been a bit... Off.

One good friend had a baby recently in a very chaotic and precarious situation that is partly of her own making. I have not been judgemental and have done my best to show up with kind words, nice baby gifts etc, especially since the dad is no longer in the picture.

Ds and I went across town to visit her recently, and over coffee she asked me outright what I was going to do to ensure that I didn't raise my son to be a spoiled brat, because the other only children she had known growing up had all been absolutely awful. She then went on to say that her WORST fear for her baby daughter was that she would be an only child. I almost spat out my coffee.

I am pretty certain my beautiful and otherwise very smart friend will find another guy in due course who may well also treat her terribly just like the previous one did, and she will have another baby.

Now, according to some people, maybe her way is the "correct" one. No doubt many people reading this will consider her more of a mum than me.

Refusing to have an only child is the hill she will die on.

For me, not raising a child in a chaotic environment is the hill I will die on. Things were not in a good way at all in my family unit in that short window for me to have a second child. Not good at all. I made a choice to protect the family I already have.

I think a lot of people on this thread don't understand what that feels like, but I hope there are some people reading this who will gain some insights into the kind of decisions mums of onlies sometimes have to make.

See also - I know of a woman who had a horrific time with IVF to get her first and only son. She could have gone into debt and risked her health to do IVF again to give him a sibling but took a pragmatic decision not to in order to protect the family she already had. Again, some people might think she is less "committed" to motherhood whereas I think the exact opposite.

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child. It must have been so destabilising and humiliating.

And congratulations on your pregnancy. It sounds like you are a very intentional mother who will break a cycle of poor parenting and who will always look to protect and nurture your own child.

And thank you for your kind comments - acknowledging your family unit's limits is indeed an act of love. I do know this on an intellectual level but sometimes it's helpful to hear it from strangers on the internet too.

I think a lot of us in our generation are healing in one way or another from own parents being overwhelmed, being emotionally immature, even dealing with drug and alcohol addiction that conveniently got swept under the carpet. It does make you approach motherhood in a different way, I think. Maybe a topic for another thread.

Wishing you all the best 💐

Thanks for your post. It wasn’t the primary reason, Think it was just the norm in my generation to have a 2nd child and not really think about it too much. I do just remember this thought coming into my head but didn’t dwell on it or question it further.

@Advocodo I think that is not an unusual thought- I know I have had it too. (Have an only). When DS was so ill as a baby I thought if he died I would have nothing to live for, and though about having a second due to that. In the end we did not have a second for all the reasons I have already said on the thread, but I know it was and is a fear.

Ah you’re welcome ❤️ if I can help just one person on this thread it will have been worthwhile 😊❤️

@Olinguita

sorry to hear that your friend is so narrow minded ❤️

This thread has been really interesting to read. I’m 40 in a few months and mum to DS who is nearly 2. I always imagined having a second child- I thought I’ll either have no children or 2 children. One of my parents is an only child and watching them deal with my aging/dying grandparent was hard. Everything fell to my parent to sort with no sibling comfort.

at my age I don’t have time to play with but I’m also exhausted from my toddler and can’t imagine being pregnant. Our house is small and having a second will delay us moving house. Things like that are what stop me from trying. It’s so hard to know what to do.

My DH is an only, and he has lost both his parents. I don’t recognise the situation that PP describe, about having to deal with care needs and then funerals etc on their own. DH didn’t do any of that on his own - he had me and all his friends to help him. In contrast, when my dad was ill and then died, there was quite a lot of discord among my siblings about who was doing what, and I found that the hardest bit of the whole process. It was really upsetting.

Just read a Facebook post from someone in their 50s who has completely disowned his only sibling. The name he called him I won’t repeat ..

I have posted a thread this morning 'No kids - no pension'. It's an honest opinion and I received a lot of interesting comments which I was hoping to address. However I just got a notification that my thread was deleted with a weird explanation that it was somehow innapropriate etc. I am not sure how this works and who makes that decision but I assume that it got reported by some snowflakes who found it to be 'offensive'. You don't have to agree but surely we have the right to have an opinion and have the opportunity to defend it!I guess we should stick to talking about fluffy bunnies and a type of a kettle we should be purchasing.

This is such a weird comment lol. Why would being an only child mean you're alone at a parent's funeral? Why would you presume that your child won't ever make best friends or find a partner? Or even assume that by the time your parents die, nobody still alive will give two hoots about them?

Sorry but as one of four, who's permanently estranged from all of them (and processing trauma as a result of one of them), having lost a parent, I certainly aren't and have never been alone.

If your presumption is that your child will be completely alone in life because you haven't 'given them a sibling' then you must be pretty lacking in confidence around your ability to raise a decent human being.

Men often have their wives help caring for elderly parents, but it's not so much the case the other way round. A woman who is an only child, usually deals with it all on her own.

We would ideally have had more than one had it not have been for circumstances. However more than happy to have just one and anyone who questions it can f**k off! Xxx

And often women with no sisters - just brother/s