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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset that no one got me a present this year

178 replies

middleeastmum86 · 26/12/2025 14:32

Put on a big family christmas for 8 people. Spent a fortune on food, presents for the kids, alcohol, buying presents for everyone. Spent all day cooking frankly a Michelin star level meal. Did not get any presents off anyone. Literally nothing. I spent over £1500 on putting that day on.

I’m not even that upset I’m just resigned to it and more upset that I’m not more upset if you know what I mean!

OP posts:
Tamtim · 29/12/2025 07:14

That’s very poor form by your guests. Did they (at the very least) show up with wine/champagne?

WarmGreyHare · 29/12/2025 07:17

middleeastmum86 · 26/12/2025 14:32

Put on a big family christmas for 8 people. Spent a fortune on food, presents for the kids, alcohol, buying presents for everyone. Spent all day cooking frankly a Michelin star level meal. Did not get any presents off anyone. Literally nothing. I spent over £1500 on putting that day on.

I’m not even that upset I’m just resigned to it and more upset that I’m not more upset if you know what I mean!

Do you usually exchange Christmas gifts with the people who were there?
Or was the family meal and you buying gifts for them out of the ordinary?
I really can't fathom having people I do a yearly gift exchange with and then just not bothering one year, without any prior agreement . Especially if I was seeing them on or near Christmas for a Christmas meal.
If it's people who you don't normally do gifts with them I could understand them not knowing you expected different this year.

And the non related friend should really have brought a host/hostess gift of some generic wine/flowers or something.

Bearbookagainandagain · 29/12/2025 07:30

Booking a Christmas trip for you and the kids next year is a great idea. Leave your useless husband at home.

I don't think you need to do more than that, calling them out or moaning will just make it worse for you I think (pitty present anyone?...)

Ladybyrd · 29/12/2025 07:47

Unless you just catered for 7 toddlers you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I’d have to say something.

Lotsandlotsandlotsoffun · 29/12/2025 07:47

Absolutely awful OP. Do things differently next year.

Lurkingandlearning · 29/12/2025 08:15

My daughter pointed out to everyone that I hadn’t received anything so the point was made!

Glad someone shamed them. Especially glad it was a child, that always stings more

Christmaseree · 29/12/2025 08:20

OP could you clarify if your DH had arranged to exchange gifts? The same with your DSis, or are you a we only by for the DC family? Did your DH receive a gift?
Next year will you both take the DC shopping or go to the school fayre to choose a little something for each other so they start to learn about gift giving?

Newnamehiwhodis · 29/12/2025 08:21

I would never host these people again. Horribly thoughtless behavior on their part. Spend that money on a gift for yourself next year! So sorry op, that’s shabby in the extreme.

PollyPlumPeach · 29/12/2025 08:58

TeenLifeMum · 28/12/2025 19:57

So, ignoring the fact it’s Christmas, if you go to someone’s house got dinner do you usually show up empty handed? I’d find that outrageously rude.

Being Christmas I took Christmas gifts for my parents plus an orchid in a special glass vase instead of a bunch of flowers (so she didn’t have to deal with arranging flowers in a vase on top of everything else). Op I’m sorry you’re surrounded by such selfish people.

I only buy presents for children. Wouldn't buy presents for distant relatives even if they had invited me for dinner but might buy a present for their child. Invites aren't transactional, you don't host because you want a present in return.

Sunnydays60 · 29/12/2025 09:31

I don't mean this in any way excuses what happened but are you the older sister? It seems like they all see you as the mother figure of the family and as such expect you (unreasonably) to do things selflessly. It's interesting that your Dad was the only one to contribute in the end (maybe because he felt some kind of parental guilt as an afterthought?). It seems like your sister is expecting you to take care of her (even when she doesn't need it) and husband is just following her lead. Presumably you are parenting your husband too (will he be left at home whilst you take your trip to the Maldives?) and his friend possibly feels like he is some kind of charity case due to being alone at Christmas and therefore should only be receiving and not giving?

It really sucks. I think you'll be doing the right thing to simply not host next year.

Presents are a weird thing aren't they. I always feel immense pressure around them. I have a good friend (who sees herself as a kind of mother figure to me) who always insists she doesn't want anything and yet always hosts me. Not necessarily at Xmas but for dinner etc (she doesn't like leaving her house and we live hours away). Through the years I've tried to get presents for birthday and xmas and listened to her moan about her dislike for the presents other people have got her (which have been similar to mine). She'll tell me I'm wasting money and I really shouldn't but also complain when others don't bring her stuff. I've ended up not sending her stuff for occasions but if we go visit, I take flowers. Which she always says thanks for but just throws them on the sideboard so they'll presumably die quickly (I'm not over sure they don't go in the bin when I leave). The couple of times I've gone with nothing, it's just felt so wrong so I now take a token regardless of what's said!

This year was really weird in terms of closer family. My partner has 2 children before our 1 together. They like to come for Christmas eve/morning because I feel like it's more fun here with a younger sibling and we do things like stockings etc which apparently they don't get at their house. Then they go back to the other side who do a BIG family meal etc etc. The past couple of years they've come with a chocolate bar for their sibling, something they've made or a cheap colouring book from the pound shop etc. I usually ask them what they want to get for their dad beforehand and they send me a link and I order it. This year nothing. I asked. They said they didn't have any ideas. They also said they weren't getting presents for anyone in their family because their mum said it was weird (14 and 15 for reference and have done at least the last year for extended family and the past few years for immediate family). So, I know they're not adults and therefore it's very different but I'm still feeling a bit disappointed I guess. They don't live with us so it does make it trickier but given I offered, as usual, to pay and do the legwork, it's more that they just couldn't be bothered to put any thought to anything. That's the kicker isn't it? Just lack of thought/effort. It's hard to know how much is just them being teenagers. I always enjoyed giving things at Christmas and bought for wider family (as did my best mate who I went on a big shopping centre trip with every year) throughout secondary school so I can't really relate (should also probably point out that family finances aren't an issue) I do wonder though if this will translate into the "only older people (or perceived as more responsible/family people) should have to think about buying for younger/single people" mentality in later life like you seem to be facing.

It's amazing what age and perceived family roles seem to do to people. I have a friend who I get on really well with. She is 10 years younger than me and doesn't drive. She is also the youngest sibling in her family. As a rule she will expect me and family members to drive her around (picking her up from her house) and doesn't offer anything in return. I suspect that as the older, car owning person, in a relationship, I have just assumed the role of the "responsible" (almost parental) adult and therefore take on "responsibility" for her. It's weird how people catagorise other people into roles in their life that they never asked for.

Maybe just make a point of saying that you don't want that role thank you, and it would be nice if everyone could just think of everyone else! I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas next year and feel more valued in whatever you choose to do to celebrate. X

TeenLifeMum · 29/12/2025 09:32

PollyPlumPeach · 29/12/2025 08:58

I only buy presents for children. Wouldn't buy presents for distant relatives even if they had invited me for dinner but might buy a present for their child. Invites aren't transactional, you don't host because you want a present in return.

It’s just basic good manners to turn up with flowers or a bottle of wine (as a gift not just for you to drink).

deeahgwitch · 29/12/2025 10:08

Even if it weren’t Christmas, your guests @middleeastmum86should have brought a gift if you were hosting.
How rude of them !
Your Dad
Your sister.
Your bil.
Your husband’s friend.

What a rude bunch !

Did they bring Christmas gifts for your dh and children ?

aLFIESMA · 29/12/2025 10:57

What a truly awful Christmas OnlyhasEyesForLoki , I think what you really need is to factor in a little treat or time out for yourself every 25th of EVERY month from now on, think about what pleases you and make it happen x

BusyMum47 · 29/12/2025 10:59

@middleeastmum86

So the real issue here is your husband - no present from him/your kids is a huge deal, completely separate to you 'putting on' Christmas for everyone.

(I'd also expect at least a token gift from everyone else for hosting them.)

Did you say anything prior to Christmas? Is your husband usually so shit? Why do you subsidise your sister, knowing she's taking the piss?

You do sound a bit martyr like about the whole thing.

Wrenjay · 29/12/2025 11:59

Dump them all (including H and D).

Blakeley · 29/12/2025 12:44

I can’t believe your DH go you nothing, unless that was agreed between you, how cruel.

my SIL normally hosts and we’ve agreed for years presents to kids and MIL only so I never but her anything. We do however bring alcohol and I offer to cater dessert which she gratefully accepts.

as for DH friend, how dares attend another families Christmas bring nothing!

bunch of self centred, greedy ingrates.

Mary46 · 29/12/2025 13:32

Its polite and manners to bring something. This is disgraceful op Im glad your daughter said it!

QuizNight · 29/12/2025 14:11

Rosealea · 26/12/2025 14:47

I don't understand why getting a present is important?

Etiquette says you bring something to thank the host when invited to a dinner party, regardless of the time of year. Christmas is a time to exchange gifts, if you’re going to someone’s house at Christmas you take a gift.

HCmumma · 29/12/2025 15:32

If I’m invited to your house for a meal that you have prepared, regardless if you are family or it’s Xmas time, I’m bringing you a gift. I would also bring a thank you for the table, like chocolates or wine. It’s basic etiquette, I would never turn up empty handed.

taxguru · 29/12/2025 15:48

PollyPlumPeach · 29/12/2025 08:58

I only buy presents for children. Wouldn't buy presents for distant relatives even if they had invited me for dinner but might buy a present for their child. Invites aren't transactional, you don't host because you want a present in return.

It's etiquette, Xmas or any other time. I've never gone to someone's house for any kind of meal without some kind of gift, usually a plant or some flowers, a box of chocolates/biscuits or a bottle of wine, whether for a proper sit-down meal or just a pizza. It seems a lot of people were dragged up with no manners!

taxguru · 29/12/2025 15:49

HCmumma · 29/12/2025 15:32

If I’m invited to your house for a meal that you have prepared, regardless if you are family or it’s Xmas time, I’m bringing you a gift. I would also bring a thank you for the table, like chocolates or wine. It’s basic etiquette, I would never turn up empty handed.

Likewise, it's what normal civilised people do.

Suusue · 29/12/2025 19:00

Do not do it again!!!!!!! Ever.

LNEAX · 29/12/2025 21:35

We do gifts for 1 person secret Santa style (made up of mum, and 2 siblings), so we’re to get something at least and to allow for a slightly bigger gift. Then buy for our SOs and kids separately. I’m more surprised that you didn’t exchange gifts with your husband though.. sucks not to have anything to open on Christmas Day no matter the age!

feelingfree17 · 30/12/2025 00:14

Totally unacceptable and sad that you almost resign yourself to the fact it is ok to treat you like this.

Have they no understanding of the time and effort that goes into it, let alone the cost.
i hope you learn to value yourself enough to ensure you never do it again for this selfish lot.

Tokek · 30/12/2025 18:19

The biggest issue here is your husband. What did he contribute to the day generally, and what does he add to your life? This needs a serious talk with him, but honestly I think the cruelty of not buying you a gift if this wasn't agreed beforehand may be too much to come back from. You don't deserve this just because women are putting up with other shit elsewhere.

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