To be upset that no one got me a present this year

[middleeastmum86]

Put on a big family christmas for 8 people. Spent a fortune on food, presents for the kids, alcohol, buying presents for everyone. Spent all day cooking frankly a Michelin star level meal. Did not get any presents off anyone. Literally nothing. I spent over £1500 on putting that day on.

I’m not even that upset I’m just resigned to it and more upset that I’m not more upset if you know what I mean!

Did you buy your sister a present this year or did you agree no presents?

What the sigh regarding your DH, did you buy him something?

Unless you and your husband have an agreement not to buy for each other, then you need to tell him that he has upset you. Even if you do have that agreement, you need to tell him that he has upset you for not getting anything for the kids to give you.

@middleeastmum86 weren’t you posting just in November that both you and your DH earn £250k (tax free) each? If that’s the case, it is spectacularly bad that your DH bought you nothing. Quite possibly your family find it hard to think of anything they could possibly buy you if you have that level of wealth. Not that that excuses it, but they possibly just feel quite intimidated.

I think it’s bad form to see through posters old posts.

In this case it’s relevant, I think.

Why is it relevant? I don’t have staff. I cooked everything myself and did everything for Christmas myself. My family are all middle class/professional/wealthy no one is poor. I was having a whinge about making a big effort for everyone and not receiving any acknowledgment in the form of a token gift in return. When my daughter pointed it out everyone looked horrified but as i said - I’m resigned to it and that bothers me more because i’m now so used to it..

Well do something then. Tell them it’s unacceptable. Given your DD commented, presumably others had presents. Nobody is too poor to afford one. Insist they put it right. Don’t be so wet about it. Why be resigned?

I’m sure I’m not the only working Mum who busted a gut at Christmas and received zlich in return. I suspect it’s even more common but people are too ashamed to admit that their families forgot to consider them.

I'm sorry your family are ungrateful pigs , spend that money on yourself next year x

I'd be outing them all. Maybe on social media for example.

I would need you to clarify two points to give my opinion.

Did all the guests bring gifts for the children? In my family we dont do adult gifts, but that works both ways. I hosted Christmas Day this year and didn’t get gifts from my siblings, but my children did. They did however turn up with wine/ cheese etc.

My SIL hosted Boxing Day and the same applied. We took plentiful gifts for her daughter and got a few pieces of cheese for the cheese board, a bottle of fizz and some crisps/ nibbles. We also helped with getting stuff out of oven, assembling the food, tidying up etc.

Tomorrow I’m traveling to my brothers in London and I have gifts for his kids but nothing for he and his wife. I will pick up some wine/ chocs/ nibbles on route.

I feel like me and DH set a precedent for buying each other Christmas and birthday presents after the first year or so we were together and it has always just carried on. I'd be genuinely baffled if he just didn't hand me a present one year. Sorry op.

Another one who was born in a gutter and thinks nobody should make ANY contribution to a wonderful hostess and we should all behave like ungrateful peasants.

Too many unknowns for me. We buy presents for children not for adults, sometimes we'll agree a secret Santa for £10 or £15 - must be consumable - the last thing any of us want is more tat!).

My DH and I don't buy for each other, we buy what we want during the year so it seems a bit pointless BUT we discuss and agree this ahead of time.

We quite often host at Christmas and during the year, we've got the most space (not a brah) and my elderly Dad lived with us until we lost him a few years ago and he loved having a houseful of family and friends. We don't spend that much money though and guests would usually bring booze or similar. I'm not sure I'd be pissed off or notice if they didn't, that isn't why I host. The family always pitch in and help with serving, clearing, packing/ unpacking dishwasher etc.

My Dad never bought me a birthday or Christmas present, I only got a birthday card if someone reminded him. He was crap at that stuff, we just got used to it.

Next year they get a few £s worth of tat from a £ shop and enjoy the moment when their faces drop and it will be more than worth it because actions speak louder than words.

FFS. Typos meant the middle para made no sense. Should be:
It seems that a generation of young adults has been shown that presents for those who love you most, just aren't necessary. And this is what happens.

Shocking! We don't give to adults but your DH should have given you stuff from him and the DCs 😮?

And the others should have brought wine and/or chocs /flowers and/or other stuff, maybe a thoughtful 'tree present'. Not sure you can say much but don't host again....

Although this didn’t happen to me when/if my family piss me off I buy myself something lovely. So far this Christmas it’s solid gold sleepers and a fab pair of wide leg green trousers from monsoon!

I hope your dh knows how you feel. Tell him and make sure you add that you don’t want a repeat of this again. It makes your dc feel sad if nothing else.
As for your family, don’t do it again next year. Let them know that you feel like no one appreciates the effort it took. It’s not really in for them to be so clueless.
I think a pp was on the right track. You probably are emotionally strong and practical. Have achieved well and show no vulnerabilities. People assume you don’t need to be shown care.

But most of those mums don’t earn 250k. To be in that position assumes the ability to take charge and assert yourself. To be direct and honest with people about your needs. I, like you, have grown tired of being taken for granted and of expecting people to do what I think is the right thing. Now I try to be honest with them about what i need. I find it doesn’t really work. So I have started to put myself first. Would only do what you have just done if I really really wanted to.

by the way, how long has this been going on? Do they always behave like this?

I think it’s pretty common for women to be forgotten or overlooked at Christmas yes. You always see threads on MN starting on Christmas Day itself. You also have plenty of posters defending it which is fine is it’s a reciprocal arrangement between adults but not in the situations usually being described in these posts. There’s nothing childish about presents its common cultural practice at this time of year. Even as a kid growing up I saw my mum taking food with her to visit family and I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a Christmas lunch empty handed. It’s bloody crass. The point is not to be a martyr about it and to tell your husband and probably your sister that you’re not having your generosity and hospitality taken for granted again and you’ll happily attend whatever lunch they’re going to be organising next year but you’re not arranging it. ( I would not want a present at this point)

Every time I see your name on a post, I know I'm going to read a twatty answer....do us all a favour and fuck off!

Exactly.

What did people say whilst you say there with nothing to open?

Do you have a partner? How old are the kids?

I sympathise. I’m a single parent and I had an unprovoked pulmonary embolism in November and am meant to be resting. I also work full time and it’s been really difficult. My 22yo daughter insisted she was doing Christmas lunch and wanted to cook everything from scratch. I would have bought everything pre-prepared if I had had to do it.

She was at her boyfriend’s and finally turned up on Christmas Day at 11.30am. I had done the creamed leeks and bread sauce which she had said she wouldn’t make. I also got the beef out to come to room temp for cooking (I’m a veggie so not even for me). She stormed in, shouted MERRY CHRISTMAS, went straight into the kitchen and screamed that I had “started it without her”. I said “don’t shout at us on Christmas Day” and my son said “it’s 11.30 - where were you?!” She put some unpeeled carrots and parsnips in a pan to boil (!!) and started peeling some potatoes. I went in and asked her why she was boiling parsnips and carrots and she went nuts and said I was criticising her and she wasn’t cooking anymore and stormed off and left the house.

My 32yo son and 16yo daughter parked their bums back on the sofa again as they had been for 2 days and just watched telly. I had to rescue the food - a fucking whole swede and cauliflower and a load of veg to peel. We eventually had a crappy lunch with some things under and some things overcooked and 21yo DD came back and deigned to eat it. I literally never sat down all afternoon and hadn’t the preceding 2 days and the 2 days after.

I crawled into bed every night at 8pm and was told I was boring and spoiling things and why can’t I be more fun? My 32yo DD said “his Christmas” had been spoilt and wanted to be alone on Boxing Day (but still wanted to know where I’d been when I went out to run some errands and what food there was). I paid for everyone to go to Panto and they didn’t even say thank you.

I’m done. I told them I’m not doing Christmas next year including paying for them all to go to Panto and a lunch out before. They are adults and can do what they like.

It's just awful. You've been completely taken for granted. It is absolutely gutting to be the only one there that nobody has thought of buying a gift for despite all your efforts to make christmas nice for everyone. Totally unacceptable. Your husband especially.
Id be withdrawing all my services for the foreseeable future.
How hard is it to bring some nice chocolates, wine or flowers at the very least.
Salary has nothing to do with it. To me it is just good manners to bring something for the hostess at christmas. I can t believe the people who think this is ok. It reduces OP to an invisible drudge.