“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

[CunningLinguist2]

Is @devoed okay? Threads disappeared & I am rooting hard for her & her kids against the KH.

That’s what it’s like. DC are with me now but my heart really aches, which I know is silly over a one night difference.

I felt like this after I decided to divorce, after I was arrested, and after the first two hearings. I think it’s shock, even for the hearings that went all in my favour, I’ll get my head around it soon. I don’t have a choice!

I’ve been reading old threads from people dreading a similar arrangement and it actually working well for DC so I’m holding onto that.

I am honestly so sick to death of hearing professionals talking about my kids as ‘resilient’. They are traumatised and damaged from years of the sort of crap doled out my ex, so similar to everything I’ve read in your threads@Devoed. Much sympathy but at least this bit is over now.

I know, they shouldn’t have to be resilient. And, why do you think they’ve come out of this so well…it’s not down to KH’s managing of things.

I know they are meant to work from the welfare checklist but it really feels as though 50/50 is the starting point.

Devoed, at least its not 2 on 2 off. KH will be whining about that.
& Thank God its done, no more waiting, worrying, prepping, meetings with the people who decide.
You need time to come down from the terror if this. It will be OK.
Your lovely kids can vote with their feet in a few years.
KOKO

I think I’m angry because his behaviour just didn’t come into it. The bar is so low.

I keep having to remind myself it’s only one night more than I wanted, and the holidays aren’t 7/7.

KH wanted 5/2/2/5 and 7/7 in hols

I wanted 3/1/1/7 and 3/4 in hols

We have ended up 4/6/2/2 and 3/4 in hols

I am pleased about the holidays as that gives me a bit of control to move at DC pace although I’m tempted to suggest we just keep term time arrangements.

And I still feel like I’m the constant given his time is two smaller blocks.

Now to find a therapist!

Have you had any way to get back to your home OP?

Nope, that will just be included as a matrimonial asset in court later in the year.

I am glad I have my parents so close, but the stress it’s put on them is unreal.

No one cares how he’s behaved, I just have to live with the scars of that.

He’s such an arse. Remind me what the K in KH stands for?
Bloody men. Bloody judges. And poor bloody Devoed and MiniDevoeds!
Still, achievement unlocked. On to the next challenge!

Knob Head…PP came up with it as I kept saying DH as STBXH was too long!

It feels like grief today, I don’t know why.

I’m so glad it’s over and hopefully you can now catch your breath. I would be wary of changing arrangements from the court order during the holidays. It will probably leave him feeling open to trying to do the same and he will then mess you around … because he can!

Now that contact with DCs is court ordered (and you say the house now just becomes a matrimonial asset), can you be a bit more forceful in gaining access to your belongings in the house? Or changing the locks and moving back in?

No because he could still put in for an occupation order.

i wouldn’t move DC back in either, i need to put them first.

Exhaustion and adrenaline slump.
I have a touch of it today too, over something very minor that’s resolved at work. I didn’t realise how much I’d been holding together until the situation was recognised- and it’s left me exhausted!

You are your DC's constant in multiple ways Devoed. Not only time, but in the practical and emotional support you provide.

That you have been fighting to protect your DC every step of the way is hugely important too.

So glad to hear it’s finally over @Devoed, despite it not you going quite the way you hoped for. Look after and be kind to yourself - you’ve been an absolute ‘warrior’ throughout the ordeal xx

A bit of advice from an old 'pro' :
Never deviate from the court order if ex asks you to. I guarantee he won't return the ' favour' and you will be scraping for actual time with your dc he will mess you around so much. Word for word it needs to stay. Even at times you miss out - it will be worth it. When, also ime- he won't adhere to it word for word it will go on your favour in Teh future. . When it goes back to court your side of the order is squeaky clean. His not so much.
Take care of you op. So you can be the best version of yourself when your dc are with you. I ended up 6 stone and a mess after 4 years fighting with exh.
When dc hit 13 +14 they went nc with their df.. As adults they started seeing him but he wasn't the main influence during their teens.

I second not deviating from the court order. KH will find any loophole he can to get what he wants, but won't prioritise the kids or your wants or needs.

Hope you are doing OK, @Devoed. Thinking of you.

Thank you…I’m actually okay and making the most of having a bit more freedom. I’m dipping my toe into an old hobby and start exercising again. I genuinely feel lighter for it being over, KH is always going to be a KH now and I’ll always diarise everything but I’m quite a ‘get on with it’ person.

School on the other hand are worried about DC, so we’ll see how things go from there.

In other news, finances were delayed by a few months. Which is really hard…

Good to hear that you are feeling lighter and finding stuff that you enjoy. And it sounds good that school are on it with DC. Hope things improve for them soon.

Thank Goodness you have family to live with,