Christmas expense split unfairly

[Blackcat54]

I'm single, I go to my sisters for christmas who is married with two kids. Mum comes too, alone. Me and my sister do the Christmas food shop together and mum brings bits. I had one alcoholic drink on christmas day.
When it comes to splitting the expense for christmas food and drinks, my sister expects us to split it 3 ways between her (and her family) me, and my mum. I dont think this is fair because I'm one person, I barely drink, she's a family of four and she also keeps all of the leftover food and drink for her family. We havent sorted out the money side this year yet but will soon, how do I handle this? She can be very difficult when she doesnt get her own way.

Is £83 really worth causing upset over

I agree.

I also think that the main issue is your anxiety and your inability reluctance to stand up for yourself.

However, do not underestimate the amount of effort she put into advance prep, cleaning, tidying and the actual hosting. Even just making sure that everything is ready together/at the right time takes some planning and juggling.

If you did the food shop together have you not already paid towards the cost?

I agree split by the 4 adults. However if you are doing this, then the leftovers should also be split between the 4 adults.

It sounds like the hosting was shared (I don't believe there is the huge amount of extra work in preparing to have 2 extra family members for dinner that some are suggesting on here, so I wouldn't consider that a factor.

She can be very difficult when she doesnt get her own way.

Well she can't force you to pay anymore than you think is fair.

She also doesn't have to invite you again which could be a good thing.

If it’s really bugged you, next Oct send a text- “hi sister, I struggled a bit with the cost of Xmas last year. Is it ok if this year we split the food bill between the adults and just supply our own drinks?”

I think £50 or so is super reasonable as a share for your Xmas dinner if you have always split the cost, you could quibble over a few £ but it’s still far cheaper than you’ll get if you eat out for Christmas.

In our family my dad buys the turkey every year no matter who is hosting, he won’t budge on that as he likes to get one from his local farm shop.

Host supplies the rest, other guests usually bring wine / champagne / cheeses etc. I’ve hosted the last few as I have a toddler and it’s easier for them to come to me. They understand there’s a lot of pre work to be done when you’re hosting, it’s not just on the day, you’ve cleaning and tidying beforehand, setting up spare rooms, shopping, prepping, buying tablecloths / extra oven trays, whatever.

I’d say four ways if she has a husband, and her kids are young. If her kids are teens or older then five ways (as PP points out hosting is more than just buying the food).
When we (me two teen/young adult kids) go stay at my sisters (it’s complicated but say two and a half adults) I tend to pay for half of the food while we stay, and treat my sister to any meals out. Not my older fussy sister who contributes financially in many other ways to the house but not to the food or the cost of us staying.
Your mother made some contributions already too, so unfair for your sister to expect both you and your mum to pay a third of the total.

Me and my sister do the Christmas food shop together

I would have had this conversation then!

I'd go out for dinner with your mum next year.

What a miserly way to think. Do people really factor in oven and heating costs? @WhereIsMyLight

I can’t actually believe that your sister and her family don’t host her sister and mother without mention of money. Very poor indeed. You should be welcome guests, who would of course have the good manners to bring a bottle or a food contribution.

Next Christmas a I would say to her “ I have thought about it and would like to contribute X amount and will take some leftovers home. I’m sure you understand I don’t have any spare money” and leave it at that.

What was bought that costs £250 to feed 4 adults & two kids for one day?

I think it’s too difficult to ask for different split now - assuming you’ve used the existing split before or it was agreed in advance. The only time to arrange a new split is before doing the shopping.

If a split was agreed before, stick to it. If you hadn’t had any alcohol and had said in advance you wouldn’t, you could avoid contributing to that. But if it was simply a choice on the day to have just one drink, it’s too late to say pay per share.

The total spent sounds crazy. Next year, take control. Set an overall budget, a clearer split for food and drink separately if needed, and be clear up front. After the event is too late….even when it’s been unfair.

Wherher it’s reasonable to request a different split for what’s just happened depends on what was agreed in advance. If the ageeed 3 way split with nothing said about booze, you need to pay up.
if nothing was said until now about cost sharing - well you were mad - but if it’s the first time thirds have been mentioned you can firmly say that’s not fair.

What was ageeed in advance?

Always expect to pay a bit more than your share and that there are more costs than you think. Never imagine you can just pay for what you eat/drunk -otherwise the left overs don’t get paid for and they do need paying for.

I'd say to probably just pay on this occasion as it's already happened. Going forwards though, I'd say to split the cost between the adults, everyone gets to take leftovers, and bring your own alcoholic drinks. The kids are covered by everyone but this could be a thanks for hosting.

Or even easier - each bring a different course.

Splitting between the 4 adults seems fair and hard for her to argue with.

next year be clearer about budget and split and esp booze before a penny is spent.

This problem comes down to failure of communication.

I see your point, but I think I'd suck it up for the sake of peace, Maybe recoup some of the cost by reducing the outlay on their Christmas presents next year.

Petty to do a split including the kids…just split it 4 ways….food only …take your own alcohol on the day

When people are factoring in if the cost is split fairly with a relative that is “difficult” it is probably an excuse to be ready for.

250:3=84 250:4=63
£84 is a lot tbh for 1 person Christmas meal. Your sister should pay for a family. £63 is way too much but I would pay it and keep the peace.

Next year I would offer £30 or stay at home. I don't drink alcohol.

You must buy more expensive food than we ever do at Christmas.

I would split the food 4 ways ( of which she pays 2) and if she keeps the booze , then she pays 2/3 and your mum and you split the other third .

Would any of the leftover food and/or drink appeal to you? If so, I'd pay your third for this year (after all, she's hosting, which means she's automatically paying more than 'her third'), put in for some of the leftovers that you want and, very politely, not take no for an answer when you're getting them out of the fridge to take with you.

If you do this again next year, time enough to discuss a different split of expenses nearer the time. I wouldn't do it on the spot now.

If none of the leftovers interest you, I'd still take some of the full bottles of wine/beer with you to make the point (after all, you've not drunk your share over Christmas) - you can always bring them to parties and they will keep indefinitely.

Yes I agree with that - I would just pop my £60 over and tell your mum to do the same - they are probably still benefitting for a very good while from a nicely stocked booze cupboard plus the food leftovers , as I bet the booze formed at least £85 of that bill -That’s easily balanced out any extra electricity/gas cost of hosting -( which wouldn’t be more than about £12 a day extra absolute max)!!

You’re not being unreasonable. A three way split only makes sense if consumption is roughly equal, and it clearly isn’t here.
Handle it calmly and practical. Suggest splitting food by adults or by headcount, and alcohol separately since you barely drink. Another fair option is you pay a fixed amount you’re comfortable with, and anything above that is split between your sister and mum. Also flag the leftovers point, if the food goes home with her family, it shouldn’t be split evenly.
Say it once, clearly, before money changes hands. Keep it factual, not emotional. If she pushes back, that tells you a lot, and next year you can opt to bring and pay for your own bits instead of pooling everything.

I’d forget about the kids and split into 4 - send her £65

Just say so then.