Christmas expense split unfairly

[Blackcat54]

I'm single, I go to my sisters for christmas who is married with two kids. Mum comes too, alone. Me and my sister do the Christmas food shop together and mum brings bits. I had one alcoholic drink on christmas day.
When it comes to splitting the expense for christmas food and drinks, my sister expects us to split it 3 ways between her (and her family) me, and my mum. I dont think this is fair because I'm one person, I barely drink, she's a family of four and she also keeps all of the leftover food and drink for her family. We havent sorted out the money side this year yet but will soon, how do I handle this? She can be very difficult when she doesnt get her own way.

Of course. There's always a way to cut costs and I appreciate some people don't have to - but as you say you can always get things cheaper. You can get aldi or morrison champagne. Prosecco

Cava. You don't have to buy high end food to have a good time

I actually have only started posting on mumsnet over the last year on and off but I don't think that the mumsnet fridges are the norm. At all

I looked at one of those posts and the entire fridge was filled with alcohol - and that's ok if you have loads of people coming over - but a lot don't

I also really hate food waste - and I can't understand why the OPs sister won't give them leftovers

I would never charge family if they came to me for Christmas. Ever. OP I hope you take your mum out next year or she comes to you - and you have a good time

Hi, all. Just popping in to appeal for a bit of peace and goodwill to all (wo)men in here, please. It's okay to disagree but do avoid personal attacks. As you were.

Much appreciated.

I'll be opting out - again. Had quite enough of the snide digs from two posters on here

Whatever is being purchased comes to £250. OP knows and chooses all of this (in fact in the OP does she even say she does the food shop with her sister?) so the £250 isn't the issue here, it's not a surprise to OP what has been purchased, or that she is expected to cover 1/3 of the bill as it is pre agreed that it covers 3 households for all of Christmas Day.

Post event, complaining that you're having to pay for the agreed portion of exactly what you were equally responsible for choosing and buying, because, for example, you didn't drink as much as you could have chosen too, seems off.

And if it's going to be at the level of wanting a more accurate split over the actual consumptions, then the sister should be entitled to nitpick over the cost of her utilities and cleaning and consumables...plus the value of her time and effort for the additional prepping and hosting.

Depending on where OP is location wise, she could always decline the invite from her sister and cook for just herself much cheaper than £83.33, or eat out. Here, a Christmas dinner, on Christmas Day, in a nice local restaurant, starts at £110, without drinks. Probably available for as little as £60 in some of the cheaper places but then potentially questionable quality.

I think if it was a £200 discrepancy to quibble, then it's worth the discussion. Over £20.80, when OP doesn't mention once that she's struggling for money, is it worth the upset it's likely to cause?

This!

makes sense from every angle to me 😀

It's up to the OP how she feels - let's not diminish that

women supporting women

Pre-empt her asking and group message that you've sent over £50 towards Christmas dinner.

If she asks for more just respond - Hang on, remember I don't drink & there are 4 of you and you kept all the left overs.

Kind of all bases covered.

If OP is so integral to all the planning and prep and doing the actual shop, why pile such an excess of alcohol into the trolley when you don't want it?

Although, unless they are buying the lowest cost items available, there can't be that much alcohol in there, if the total cost of all the day's food and drink for 6 people comes to £250.

It seems unlikely that this is £50 of food and £200 of booze. And if it is, OP is just as responsible for the purchase.

If her sister is "difficult" as OP describes her, angling to pay less for what you eat, whilst ignoring all the extra costs and resources of hosting, is not going to be received well.

Last time I hosted xmas was definitely over £300 then top ups to supermarket and my husband got the booze separately

yes I don’t think it’s a hill to die on - but OP should address for next year or she is going to harbour resentment

Of the £250 how much is alcohol?
I think this year it’s a bit too late to do anything but divide by 3 but maybe suggest when starting to discuss next years Xmas tgst you and your mum bring your own drinks so just good is split.
also it depends on whether there’s mountains of leftovers whether you suggest taking some home with you

Agree 👍

You should be able to take the leftovers if there is enough, but she did host and will have to wash all the dishes so probably doesn’t want to cook tomorrow

Absolutely, this needs to be tackled before the event.

Not a hill I would die on is a great phrase. Is £20.80, once a year, worth the potential fall out from suggesting you shouldn't pay it.

It’s worth reading the thread.

My sister hosts every year since my mother became to ill to cook. I guess you offering to host is the only difference here.

I payed a third, she keeps all the left overs. I won't argue with that (i also don't drink).

I mean… I agree. I was diverted to a different discussion but yes quibbling over what you agreed to pay after the fact is lame.

Personally I don’t find leftovers that great an offset of the expense and energy of hosting. They are another thing to ‘deal with’ tbh and not exactly a big treat to face a quarter eaten turkey carcass, loads of day old sprouts, a cold roast potato and some greying trifle!

I would split it four ways due to four adults eating. Then next year change it and everyone bring a platter or a course (starters and snacks, main and dessert), and you all agree to a pre-plan budget of up to £100 each for your course.

Everyone to bring their own alcoholic drinks.

Over the year maybe consider having a Xmas account where you can transfer a little bit each payday, and before you know it you’ll have next year’s Xmas budget sorted and maybe some extra.

@Lotsnlotsoflove depends what you call leftovers, we had 3 main meals out of the turkey, still have plenty of cheese and snacks left, about 2 thirds of the Christmas cake and remains of some puddings and the Christmas ham.

Quite.

We've still got remnants of the cheeseboard, and some ancillary bits, but the leftover meat? It's nice to pinch a cold pigs in blanket from the fridge in passing I guess, and pick at a stuffing ball, but that's about the measure of it. Cold two day old sprouts? Not a win.

It would be a lot easier to be hosted for Christmas not have to deep clean in anticipation of many guests, still go elsewhere on boxing day, and buy a straight forward dinner for the 27th. I'm far too tired on Christmas Day to start faffing about making curries at 10pm when guests have been here since the morning. By the 27th, the food is on it's way out and again, after hosting you're more focused on tidying the aftermath.

Leftovers don't offset hosting at all. I guess if you stay home on boxing day and want to reheat leftovers to eat there's a very small benefit there. It's not the huge deal being suggested though, and frankly the host should keep the leftovers, not have to cook and serve the meal, then be expected to divvy up the remnants for people who feel entitled to leave with doggy bags.

I think there's also a difference in being offered something like, "oh we bought three pots of cream and we've only opened one, did you want one, it's got to be used by tomorrow" Vs "technically I paid for a third of that food, so I should pack up a third of what you've got left in your fridge for me".

@Blackcat54

I think this is pretty fair personally, fairer would be that sis and BiL pay 3 adults, the kids as half while younger, but… 🤷‍♀️

I’d certainly get in there first and kindly tell her too. Fair and factual. Your sis will react the way she does, you know that, horrible as it is, that’s a her thing. Hold firm. You’re not being unreasonable at all from your updates and info. And if they’re all on the booze and you only have 1, reasonable people wouldn’t even want you to contribute at all!

And there is a whole year for it to blow over until the next one.

You sound a fab co-host / guest!

Again many comments about the massive effort of "hosting". When it's just immediate family, I find it hard to see what this involves - you don't need to do a "deep clean" of the entire house, presumably things like the kitchen, bathroom(s) and toilet are clean, maybe an extra whip round with the vacuum cleaner should be all that's needed. OP's sister would have to clear up after her own children and presumably husband, who seems incapable of helping in any way or even contributing financially to the event. As the sister is the one with children presumably she has decorated for Christmas with a tree etc.

The additional shopping for it being 2 extra adults on top of the existing 2 is assisted by OP, the additional effort of cooking larger portions is minimal and is helped by OP, the additional washing up is more than accounted for by OP doing half of that. So I can't see where the enormous effort is in hosting the event.

My DSis & nephew always come round on Boxing day. I make sure the main living room is a bit tidier than normal so we have room to have all the food out on the table etc, I cover the sofa with throws to reduce the cat hair on their clothes, I make sure everything is washed up etc so we have plenty of plates & cutlery etc., I need to put the dish washer on an extra time afterwards, and make sure the table cloth is completely clean or covered with a seasonal one. I reckon it takes me maybe 2 hours total to "prepare" over and above the usual, and that's mainly because I can be a bit of a slob during the week so a mid week hosting means I need to do some extra tidying.

I do actually provide the majority of the food with DSis bringing round a few bits & pieces like this year some of the stuff to dip in the fondue we had, some bread rolls for finishing off in the oven, and the Christmas log dessert. She also left with all bar one item of any left overs from what she bought and a couple of other bits that were getting close to their dates & I wouldn't get to eat myself. But that's my choice to host her & feed any (adult) nephews who come, and each year she offers to help out with any costs. We always use my house for this as I have Sky & Netflix, and she doesn't even have TV just internet entertainment on the PCs.