Christmas expense split unfairly

[Blackcat54]

I'm single, I go to my sisters for christmas who is married with two kids. Mum comes too, alone. Me and my sister do the Christmas food shop together and mum brings bits. I had one alcoholic drink on christmas day.
When it comes to splitting the expense for christmas food and drinks, my sister expects us to split it 3 ways between her (and her family) me, and my mum. I dont think this is fair because I'm one person, I barely drink, she's a family of four and she also keeps all of the leftover food and drink for her family. We havent sorted out the money side this year yet but will soon, how do I handle this? She can be very difficult when she doesnt get her own way.

You’ve got to decide how much spending the day with your family and keeping the peace wuth your sister is worth.

if budget is a real issue, next year mske sure you say in advance how much you can afford.

😬

Smoked salmon really shot up in price this year especially as my son can eat a whole packet in one sitting! I got a combo of Lidl and Sainsburys too

I wasnt just called out though was I? My Christmas dinner was called a race to the bottom. For context - I was living on just short of 400 quid a month UC until September 2023. I had to run a home on that - and I only have more money now - for a short time because I got disability benefits while my leg heals

I had been offered a job at Christmas 2023 but they took so long to chase references that by the time I got the offer to start I had fractured my leg in three places and obviously couldn't take the job offer up.

For some people it's not about being tight - it's about what they can afford.

Also - not everyone wants to cook on Christmas day to start with. My brother told me that when he was at the takeaway to pick up our order the person in front of us was spending 160 quid.

I live in a medium sized town with lots of takeaways and the majority of them open on Christmas day and new years day - because they know they will get the trade

People also shouldn't need to drink at Christmas if they don't want to.

There's also charging and 'charging'. I always hosted Christmas for my adult kids and never charged but one year a few years ago, when they were all out earning me by a factor of about ten to one, they suggested chipping in. That's carried on ever since, guests will say 'how much shall we pay?' and the host will normally say 'oh, about £20 each should do it' even when the cost is nearer £40 a head.

Is this charging? Or voluntary? The cost will include Christmas Eve food, all food Christmas day (posh breakfast, lunch and the big cooked dinner) and breakfast and lunch on Boxing Day, so I think it's pretty good value!

Try reading what I wrote again.

The average turkey dinner etc is what happens up and down the country. Usually with a starter, one or two desserts. Something to eat for dinner, depending on when dinner is served. Chocs. Nuts. Nibbles. Drinks.

If still you "don't have a clue" and think that is throwing money at Christmas, have a pop over to the Christmas fridges thread. You'll be in for quite the education on the "norm" 😁.

My own Christmas? Couldn't care less how rude you are about it. That's a reflection on you, not me.

Don't bother with them. FWIW, I'd rather be invited to yours than theirs. Pretentious people with boring lives vs a person who is afaf with their use of language. You win hands down.

I get that going out to eat would cost 75 pounds plus but I don't think that's the point. The OP and their mum are being asked to pay 83 quid each while the sister and husband pay 83 between them and the kids are fed too. It's an unfair split

I also think it's a bit of a shame - and that's the only way I can put it that it's always assumed that the woman cooks. I get that some women are very good cooks - but there have been comments about the sister prepping and cleaning and cooking - what about the husband? What does he do?

My brother is an excellent cook. When he lived at home he used to cook for my mum a lot. Why is no one suggesting that the husband pulls his weight and takes up some of the slack? If he doesn't already that is?

Is this about money or 'fairness'? We have a Xmas Eve buffet most years. Over the years I have paid for the entire thing on many a year because although we aren't well off, my Dsis was a lone parent with no child maintenance and my parents were struggling for money, and my uncle just didn't think to contribute. A few years ago my DSis was slightly better off and contributed ½. Then my parents were slightly better off and we all contributed ⅓. This year, I did ⅔ and my parents did ⅓... It isn't about the money. It's about the heart. If I couldn't afford to contribute, I'd hope my parents and sister would want to chip in, or we'd scale back the buffet.

What matters more to me is the effort. I tend to arrange with DF and I do the shopping, set up, clear up, etc. - I'd rather have help with that then money, tbh.

Agree with this. The bill should be split four ways between the adults, excluding her husband is unfair, especially when it’s a family of four and the leftovers stay with them. Definitely worth agreeing expectations upfront next year. That said, as it’s your sister’s house, there’s also a chance she may decide not to host again which is another reason these things need to be discussed early and calmly.

I’d be really disappointed if after a lovely Xmas making memories my sister quibbled over a few quid.

Yes it happens up and down the country as you describe, at about £100-200 for a family of 6. Reasonable turkey, 2 types of stuffing, 2-3 veg, 2-3 types of potatoes, a starter, a christmas pud & another dessert, maybe a couple of bottles of prosecco. Add in a few nuts, crisps & chocolate, even add in the extra costs of heating, lighting & cooking, and you're still well within that amount.

And the OP wasn't talking about helping with the washing up etc, she was talking about doing half of the shopping, prep, serving, clearing away and washing up.

There's a big difference between "hosting" and providing the venue as your house is the most convenient. My father was one of 12 so had a massive family. We had the only house big enough to fit everyone for all the major family event - big birthdays, engagements, weddings, funerals etc up to 80-100 people every time sometimes 2-3 in a year. As our house was the venue, did that mean we were the "hosts"? In your mind that would mean we would be happy to pay the many hundreds of pounds every time for alcohol alone for these events. No, the person/people celebrating would pay for consumables. When it was one of our own celebrations e.g. my DSis's wedding, then we paid, but people also helped & brought stuff like alcohol, food, nibbles etc.

Hosting an event can mean different things a) depending on circumstances, b) according to the abilities of people to pay and c) your own upbringing and experiences.

I personally wouldn't think the Christmas fridges thread on here is the norm of what families eat at Christmas - at all.

Lots of people are having to tighten their belts for various reasons.

I live in an area of the west of Scotland where there are pockets in the town where people obviously have money - but a lot of people don't. Some people rely on food banks and community fridges. The community fridge I use does a meal for people at Christmas that they can pay 3.50 for and heat up at home.

They also do cheap meals weekly - pay as you can afford. And this year they did a sit down free Christmas dinner for people - because there's the need for it. Some people are poor and isolated as well

I have also lived alone all of my adult life - so it's pretty pointless for me to pack my fridge with 100 quids of stuff I wouldn't eat even if I could afford it

By the way - if people have 400 quid to a grand to spend on Christmas and enjoy it - that's completely fine

I don't think my family have ever spent 400 quid on a Christmas dinner in our entire lives - even when I was working full time and earning a lot more money - but I was veggie for 35 years and I've been vegan for 7 years now - so turkey dinners aren't my thing anyway

My gran was housebound for the last ten years of her life or so and my mum and I used to get a takeaway at her house on Christmas day so she would have company - sometimes the Christmas you have also depends on older relatives and going to visit them and the situation they are in.

I actually give to a charity in Scotland. They helped 17000 families at Christmas this year. A variety of people in need, women fleeing violence, people referred from hospital. You buy the present and the parent or guardian gives it.

Normally I buy for teens but this year I bought clothes for babies - I don't have much but a lot of people have much less than I do

The norm at Christmas can very much depend on a lot of factors in someone's life

Interestingly, OP doesn't mention that this is due to budget difficulties.

She just thinks she should pay less because she drank less alcohol and her household has one less adult. No value is placed on the hosting, just the cost of what she consumed. And her sister is "difficult."

Next year I'd suggest divvying up 'things' rather than costs. You all bring whatever you like to drink, then one person brings meat, another all the veg and sauces, another puddings. It's friendlier than arguing over the cost at the end.

This would be the fairest thing IMO. We used to host every year but never spent as much as your sister. We split between adults when the kids were young. Generally we only bought a small amount of drink, mostly non alcoholic and people brought round what they specifically drank.

I honestly can't fathom why me cooking Christmas dinner for 4 would be using less electricity, gas and water, than it would cooking for 6. Though we don't get charged for how much water we use, we just get a small percentage every year onto our council tax and we can use as much water as we want. Great water too!

Some people on here are really martyrs to themselves. Its pretty nauseating.

It's unusual to hold every large birthday across a family of 12, wedding, engagement and 2-3 funerals a year at one house. Most people would hire a venue for a wedding. It's really not the same as hosting once a year Christmas.

You can certainly buy a type of turkey and all the trimmings for 6 for very little. You can buy higher quality at a higher price. I think the £100-200 is probably in the right ball park for average traditional Christmas dinner for 6. What we know is that this group of 4 adults and 2 children chooses items to the total value of £250. A standard OP agrees on, as says she picks a lot of it.

It's then split 3 ways between the two households that don't host, and the one that does. OP chooses not to drink more than one drink (preference? driving? not sure she says?) and has one less adult in her household, so believes the hosts should reimburse her for this, and acknowledge no value on the fact they host the day. Should she pay even less if she chooses to only eat half a plate of food? The only thing she wants to attribute value to is the price of what she consumes it seems.

I'd get it if she was teetotal and they had a case of something for £500 and were after her third for that. But to argue with the family member hosting you over £21 because you chose to have one drink and don't get to keep leftovers?...

Say to her you are happy to split three ways, or four if she has a partner, to allow for the cleaning/ shopping etc she has probably had to do in preparation, but want the cost of the alcohol taken off first.

It wouldn't.

I think that would be fair. I think it would be also fair for the sister to offer some leftovers - given the mum and sister have contributed towards the cost of them.

I'd pay the share she has asked for. Not worth quibbling and she is being generous in hosting.

If you make a deal of it I would ask you to host next year or expect that you find another meal, on Christmas Day. (for less than you are contributing).

There is such a lot of time and effort goes in to hosting and not just the food to prep.