Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Having read all OP's posts thoroughly now, I think your mother is being rather controlling and manipulative. Sounds like a perfectly pleasant day and she could have taken herself off for a rest at any point. The mention that you think she misses all the drama of the awful Christmases you had as a child says it all. She's incredibly jealous that you've had a lovely, calm Christmas and so have your kids. She clearly thinks kids shouldn't be part of Christmas, hence you being left alone with your toys as a kid and her getting drunk and abusive with people. Please don't spoil your own kid's future Christmases for a woman that didn't give a fuck about what Christmas was like for you as a kid. You're seriously talking about recarpeting your upstairs for her for next Christmas? That's insane. She really knows how to manipulate you so that you are desperate to do anything to keep her happy, even as an adult with kids of your own. You are not responsible for how she feels. If it was too much for her then it is up to her to manage that better next year. Don't spoil things for your own kids.

Yes because all boomers are exact identikits of one another in terms of physical strength, character and attitude 🤔.

Ageist post or what?

Absolutely - well said!

I think she would have preferred it if you or DH made the food and the other one looked after the kids whilst she and the neighbours had a good old piss up, but its not about her it is about the children. Something she failed to realise when you were a child.

I would do 2 things:-

1. Check the neighbours were really okay looking after your children. If they weren't you or DH needs to be there with them. If they were rinse and repeat next year.

1. Get some good quality counselling for yourself to get past your childhood, get rid of any co-depedancy and give yourself permission to prioritise your children.

Totally agree Hippobot, you are spot on.

OP my DM died about 15yrs ago, my DF is about the same age now as your DM and he loves having all the kids around together at Christmas (and birthdays). The ages range from 4 to 17 and there is a lot of chaotic fun. Christmas is all about the kids, adults can suck it up imo. If your DM is fit and healthy (and has per own floor of the house fgs) then she is being selfish and a complete Karen about your lovely Xmas.
What fun for the kids to have a ' talent show'! You should def do that next year, maybe even get them practicing a few weeks beforehand, and have little flyers and tickets (my kids used to love those little touches).
If your DM wants a lie down she can bugger off upstairs for one. Selfish cow. She is totally jealous of your lovely Xmas day with your DC enjoying themselves and being appreciated as children (which she never did for you by the sounds of it). She's probably also jealous that you and your DH didn't have a busy up, that the neighbours weren't drunk and rowdy, and that nothing got smashed!

The OP has stated quite clearly that her mother had her own room, on her own floor, for the duration of the stay. In fact she hadn’t even got up until nearly lunchtime and went to bed that evening at 7pm.
It’s all there in her posts.

I’m going to be honest, it sounds like a lovely day for parents of young kids (who obviously are used to having the noise and activity of kids the whole day) but it also sounds very full on for people who no longer have young kids.
i think you’re going to have to ask her what would make Christmas more relaxing for her, my guess is the neighbours were too much and there was no down time to have a breather from entertaining kids/playing with them /watching kids do a show.

Can I just share something for you to take onboard (hopefully) that I recently had to learn for myself. Your mums had 75 Christmas’s and many of them will have been with you.

Your a grown woman and your allowed to do things your way and enjoy Christmas with your own family as you please. Your day sounds lovely and so do your kids and neighbours, none of it seems too much at all!

You get 16 Christmas’s with your kids if you’re lucky and they don’t go doing their own thing, then who knows how many more they’ll chose to spend with you after that. Enjoy these memories, prioritise your little family. If it upsets others that’s not your concern. I feel it’s rude for your mum to say it didn’t suit and it sounds like you’ve already been very accommodating.

Tell her your plans for next year then she has the option to opt in or out before hand, but for the love of god allow your kids to play, have talent shows and it to be magical for them and don’t allow anyone to make you feel like that should stop, it’s your home and family.

Also try not to allow your mums comments or some of the others on here upset you, it sounds like you’re trying to be as thoughtful as you can about everyone else. But you need to ask yourself what do you want and what’s best for your small family and go with that.

Sounds like your mum is an unreasonable person. Please stick up for your kids and your family’s right to have a joyful Christmas. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Don’t sacrifice anyone else just to please your mum. Especially if she’s used to getting her way.

What an appalling takeaway! Do take early posters’ comments with a grain of salt. They said all those things while speculating that your mother had to provide childcare or didn’t know the neighbors, giving your mother the benefit of the doubt, and assuming that she cared what was best for you and the children. All that was BEFORE you revealed that she’s a self -absorbed narcissist.

Imagine if you had approached her at 11 and said, “Having 15 drunk adults rowing in our home and a sobbing mother every Christmas is a bit full-on.” Would she have changed anything for you? That tells you all you need to know about how you should proceed.

Your children will care about you because you’ll have given them memories of love, support, and Christmas magic. And you will deserve it.

Your mum on the other hand does not deserve this much consideration from you because of how she treated you growing up. You are behaving with people-pleasing tendencies likely resulting from her demanding to get her way or else making your life hell since a young age. Your empathy is misplaced.

Your husband and children are innocent in all this. You are planning to ruin Christmas for them and bow down to a Scrooge because of your own psychological issues. Please grow a spine.

My mum is 3 weeks away from being 92yrs old. She came with us for a 2 hours drive to see her grandson (our son) and his wife and new 4 month old baby for christmas day. Then spent 5 hours with them til we left, called into sister in law's and then came home. Yes she was tired but she loved the day!! Think your mum may have to realise she aint the star of the show and be a little kinder in her words. If she doesn't want to join in, fine. Let her stay away. But don't feel pressured. And your mum isn't exactly old old like my mum is she???

You've done nothing wrong.
prioritise your children and yourself and pay consideration (as you certainly have) to your mother.

This

I understand how statistics work thank you.

I disagree with your basic assertion that
Boomers are well known for being selfish compared to previous generations (plenty stats to back that up)

If you are so well versed in statistics, you should also know that they can be found to prove pretty much any theory you like!

It's the strangers she doesn't know I bet. I suspect she wanted a quiet family Christmas. Talking to strangers means you can't relax and it gets harder as you get older. Your mum isn't old by any means. On the fence re yabu and yanbu. Did you discuss having the friends over.

Have you read OP's responses? It wasn't the neighbours (who aren't strangers) it was the grandchildren.

I'm utterly baffled why posters continue to push a narrative that doesn't exist.

So one more time for the cheap seats

IT WASNT THE NEIGHBOURS THAT WERE THE ISSUE.

You mention caring for DM after DF died. What sort of care has she needed as this may explain her views? I wonder if her life has shrunk & she doesn’t have much going on eg no friends or hobbies. If she lives alone without going out much, a house with young DC is likely to feel too much, but the solution isn’t you changing what you do. She has made the choice to live like that (assuming no disability).

FWIW I agree that you make it clear she can do her own thing at Christmas (either away from your house or on the top floor), that you are sorry she found it too full on but that Christmas is about the kids & you are already keeping it low key to find a compromise. Games & mini kids performances at Christmas is a lovely part of it. You’ll miss it when it’s gone. Please don’t regret the Christmas’ you give your children. I completely understand the guilt and trying to keep everyone happy but your mum is one voice and doesn’t need prioritising. She has a way to make it quieter for herself and that’s enough to balance her needs.

Some real miserable entitled people on this thread

Whenever a guest accepts an invite to anywhere they do so in the full knowledge that they are not hosting, catering or doing any of the organising. Therefore the onus is on them to slot in graciously with everything that is planned. They always have the opportunity to moderate it by coming for less time/leaving early or having a rest if elderly.

If they don’t want to socialise and participate, that’s fine, they decline the invite with thanks and have the quiet Christmas they would prefer.

No one person gets to mould the entire celebration for everyone purely based around their own needs, unless they are terminally ill and in the last few days of life.

Flexibility, graciousness and openness is required to be a good guest, if you can’t manage that then stay ar home. It’s really as simple as that.

Your mum would have only been 55 when your dad died so I'm not sure why she needed to be cared for from such a young age. Surely she would still be working and reasonably self-sufficient?

I think that you have been parentified and that even as a child you felt responsible for your mother, rather than the other way round. You are now genuinely contemplating giving your children a shit Christmas and planning to send them upstairs, in order to pander to your selfish and childish mother.

I would recommend that you visit the Stately Homes threads in Relationships which is for people with mothers like yours.

I'm hoping that your DH will put his foot down and refuse to let you ruin Christmas for his children.

Dc come first on Xmas day. Your mum didn’t understand that when you were a child having your “Eastenders” Xmas and she doesn’t understand it now!

Your idea to make the upstairs room into a little sitting room is lovely. Just say to her, if things get too much she can go up there.