Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

The mother has a whole floor to herself.
she can retreat there.

OP can take children out if she feels like, not to give her selfish mother a whole house

I hope you are joking. Please don't do that!
You sound like a really lovely and caring person .
As others have said your mother has not just a bedroom but a whole floor she can relax in and you are going to make it even better for her next year.
Don't compromise your children's Christmas for her. Otherwise they will be the ones who have unhappy memories of this time of year and how their Christmas was spoiled because of Grandma.

Social anxiety, introversion, and possibly also ASD - have a much higher than average representation on MN, so it may be partly that; but some may just be misanthropy.

The fear of other people, answering the front door, guests pooing in your toilet - is something to behind.

Why should they? They went to the park Christmas eve and boxing day. What new wheels?

I'm honestly baffled at your insistence that an entire family should bend to a woman who has already been catered for more than sufficiently.

@GalaxyJam

Honestly I think so many MNers can’t stand the company of anyone outside of their own ‘little family’ that they can’t conceive of a world where other people are happy to spend time with friends. The OP’s mum said the neighbours weren’t the problem

I knew the “my little family” tendencies would come out of the woodwork. But this isn’t right. The OP’s mum apparently couldn’t stand her “little family”. She was nostalgic for an era where men were men, women were in the kitchen, children were seen and not heard and everyone drank too much and shouted at one another. Like an episode of In Sickness and in Health.

And apparently she resents the OP and her husband because they have created a nicer and more stable Christmas.

I’m 68 and sorry, but 75 is not old. Sounds like you didn’t pressure to join in. I would be delighted to be invited/catered for by family (as I am) and would either have a little snooze on the sofa or just go have a nap on my bed. You sound like a lovely family and should be appreciated. Maybe I’m different and I have 5 children - there’s nothing lifts my spirit more than having everybody around me!

I am not insistenting on anything, it was just one suggesting. Most parents I know with children those ages like to get them outside every day. Only the OP, will know if it’s a useful suggestions for her family and she is free to try or it or not.

Can you not see though that the OP is unhealthily obsessed with pleasing her mother? She doesn't need any more suggestions as to how to please her, she needs to actually focus on pleasing her kids. She's already thinking that next year she's going to send them to their rooms, now you're suggesting she sends them out of their home entirely!

And the 'most kids I know...' well most grandparents I know would want to be with their grandchildren but we are all told we have to respect that this woman is different. Which is fine. But surely we need to give that same respect to the kids?

Well no, I made my suggestion on the first page when the OP had only made one post so no this wasn’t clear. I don’t see how this dicussion will help the OP so I won’t be replying to you any more.

@Aluna

Social anxiety, introversion, and possibly also ASD - have a much higher than average representation on MN, so it may be partly that; but some may just be misanthropy.

Of course, that’s why I put “introvert” in inverted commas. “Introvert” is wildly misapplied on here and used as a get-out-of-jail-free for weird and pathologically selfish behaviour. I am absolutely sick of it being normalised. Its quite insane that people consider a low energy day at home being catered for by family and having to occasionally feign interest in your grandchildren to be “full on” or “far, far too much”.

Why are we indulging this so much? People with extreme social anxiety or entrenched misanthropy deserve compassion but they absolutely don’t get to determine how the less neurotic among us get tp live our lives. And certainly not small children.

I think you’re misinterpreting what people are saying. I’m mid 40s, in good health but child-free - and I’d find the day you’re describing full on and not relaxing. That doesn’t mean I think you’re doing anything wrong though! It sounds like a perfectly normal family day, and you should put your kids first. I think your suggestions of ways in which your Mum could escape for a bit more down time make a lot more sense.

You didn’t need to care for your mother from when she was 55 years old OP. I think you really need to examine why you want to put your mother first on all this when you age already made significant adjustments for her comfort. It is not a healthy way to be and you need boundaries put in place in your relationship with her.

That's fine. Hopefully next time you will read OPs updates before you continue to give advice.

What would be relaxing for you? Genuinely interested. Her mum got up at midday, sat down on the sofa while her daughter cooked for her and the neighbours entertained the kids, ate her meal, sat on the sofa again while people played games around her, sang a song in a children’s talent show (which the OP said she loved!) then went to bed at 7pm. It was hardly strenuous or exhausting, she didn’t move and nothing was expected of her!

Not sure that’s quite what OP said - I read that the neighbours AND her Mum all entertained the kids, and that everyone played games, but no one had to. Yes, maybe her Mum should have turned down the games, but most of us do try to be sociable and friendly, so easier said than done.

I won’t list all of the many things I find relaxing, but a full day with children - without any time to myself/only with adults - definitely isn’t one of them. I lived with my parents (as a teenager) when my nieces were young. My parents were only in their late 40s, and all 3 of us loved spending (some!) time with my lovely nieces. But all 3 of us would also breathe a huge exhausted sigh when they went home. I’m sure it’s completely different when they’re your own or when you’re used to it daily, of course!

But the mum had til 12 by herself?

And I assume if you find being around two children for 7 hours this intolerably exhausting you wouldn't go?

Don't do this. You, your DH, your kids and your good friends enjoyed the day. They enjoyed the games, the talent show etc. Don't remove parts of the day that the rest of you all enjoy in order to try and please one person who, quite frankly, will find something else to complain about if you pare it all back. She always used to get stressed about and complain about Christmas when you were a child and she's still complaining now. You have done plenty to make sure she is comfortable and not having to do too much. Next year just remind her that she's welcome to go and have a rest, read a book, watch some TV if she needs a break.

So then we’re back to the fact that the OP’s mum knew her grandchildren existed and would be there, and unless the OP palms them off somewhere else for Christmas next year then they will be there then, too. So it’s probably best to make alternative arrangements if the existence of her grandchildren is too much for her.

Deleting as accidentally didn’t quote

But she could have had a break… she had her own floor in the house to retreat to?

Do you never find anything marginally difficult in life but still find it worthwhile overall for its benefits? I’m only mid 40s, so would just plough on if I liked everyone - but by my 70s I might try to gently raise that I would like a break from the kids in the middle of the 7 hours next time around. It doesn’t sound like a big deal?

From what the OP has said her mother was never going to be happy. She could have given herself a break but chose not to, opting instead to make OP feel guilty the next day. And the fact that OP is now desperate to make it better for her next year suggests this is a pattern and not a nice one.
The only one who can break that pattern is the OP.

I might be way off here, but I really don't think this is well meaning grandma trying to keep up.

See response above.

But this isn't what the mum did

She didn't say "this was too much for me, next year I might go upstairs for a rest after lunch" she said "it was too much for me and you, OP, need to fix that for me" The OP is now talking about sending her kids to their rooms to manage her mum's feelings

Yes and the logical solution would be that grandma goes to lay down or goes elsewhere if it’s all too much or doesn’t come at all. Not the OP’s bizarre solution that we step back to the Victorian ages where the children are seen and not heard?