Am I a strict, unreasonable mum to 15 year old DS?

[echinaceaberry]

NC'd for this.

I wrote a long post and then thought, all I want to ask is: what is reasonable amount of time for a 15 year to be gaming in his room on non school days?

It is the endless war in our house and I'm really depressed by it, by how I'm made out to be over challenging it.

Same age here
and my absolute stake in the ground is 5 hours a day but it’s usually 4-4.5 hours

it’s obscene but over the entire day doesn’t seem too bad.

Hes doing 3.5 hours a day gcse mock revision and genuinely making the most of it so… im ok with the gaming

I think at 15 you just have to leave them to it- be different if it was alcohol/drugs/partying/ stealing etc but I think let them spend their downtime how they like

Why the need for a NC 😵‍💫

This generation are literally rewriting their brains. No kid should be doing 4.5hrs a day on a gaming console, even if it is the holidays. It’s difficult to undo though when that’s been allowed to become the habit

Honestly I just leave him to it (DS 14.5 Yr10) He goes to football training and matches, sees friends, is doing fine at school, it’s not always an ideal level but it is what it is, not worth causing a load of hassle over.

unless you line something else up for them to do for 12 hours every day, it’s going to be hard to stop it. I hate gaming but to them it’s like watching tv.

As a PP said, when my son was this age he could definitely clock up 4 or 5 hours on some days off but I was fine with this because of the bigger picture. Some days it would be 0 hours - he was very sporty, very confident and outgoing, played a lot of football and had a very wide group of friends who he ‘played out’ with often. All of this meant that it didn’t concern me too much on a Saturday when he’d perhaps play from about 6pm after dinner till 10pm! What’s the bigger picture looking like for you OP?

I can’t really remember. He’s 18 and at uni now and doing well. But I do recall removing his gaming computer entirely for many, many months after his GCSEs. I don’t feel like I ever got it really right. Leaving him to his own devices didn’t work because he simple did not regulate. He didn’t really play sport so there was no real outdoor activity and he’d not leave the house the entire weekend given the choice. During A levels iirc there was none allowed mon-thurs.

I can’t leave my 15 year old to it
adhd and no self regulation

I used to watch that amount of tv in the nineties on school holidays! So was the difference? My ds doesn’t watch tv unless I beg him to watch a movie with me

I think it probably depends on other things as well (I also have 15 and 13 year old boys). If mine have done homework, music practice, gone outside for some time, are getting good marks and are generally helpful and friendly around the house then I think it’s fine really to have even 5 or 6 hours online, be that games, chatting to friends etc.
My 15 year old is a big reader and gets through a book every 3-4 days, plus does piano practice, goes for a run most days, plays basketball with his brother, gets As and Bs and also probably spends at least 5 hours at weekends either playing F1 on the PlayStation, watching YouTube , messaging friends etc. I’m fine with that, I probably spent the same just watching TV as a teen.

It depends on the full context.

If he's done well in school, is sociable the rest of the time, you're not concerned about his online safety/trust he understands about that, then I wouldn't be too concerned.

Battleground here too but I’d agree that’s ok over an entire weekend day/evening interspersed with non screen stuff. If he’s doing some active stuff as well and any homework then it’s ok. It’s definitely requiring their brains though and isn’t a given in other countries but I guess it’s about finding something else - better lol - to replace or reduce the gaming.

We constantly get them down to help, play board games and go places, also they’ve projects and homework due (not making hem do that for a few days obv!!!) . Realised a few years ago if you don’t parent a teen as you would a toddler you’re essentially leaving them to rot. Would leave them tk screens for an hour at a time probably three times a day but never eg three hours at a time. Everyone does it differently but mine are addicts and would go without eating etc if we left them to it!!!

I think as long as any necessary tasks are done, they are sleeping enough and there are no mental health issues that would benefit from being switched off of the internet then I’d leave them to it, especially during holidays when they need some down time.

I’d expect them to wash themselves, eat 3 meals, make sure there’s nothing that would classify as a bio-hazard in their room, engage for a little bit each day with the other humans in the house preferably over a meal and do any required schoolwork. But that’s about it during the holidays.

I have a 16yo.
If there's no homework to be done, anything less than 5hrs gaming time is definitely cruel, unreasonable and tantamount to torture. I have occasionally allowed up to 7hrs when there's been some particularly stressful time recently and recovery time is needed. I usually try to ensure that it's no more than 2hrs at a time and extol the virtues of having a bit of variety in the day with a walk outside or sending them on a shopping errand. Even just switching to watching tv for a bit to give the fingers a rest is encouraged

Its not as much how long they spend on it thats the issue, its what else is not part of their life that should be the focus.

Ultimately, it's the norm for kids of that age to be on it for most of day. As long as they still have a mind on their future to some extent, be it studying, having a part time job, or doing activities.

Those who do usually get out of wanting to be gaming all day by the time they are 18 or so. They even get bored of it. It's when their life still revolve around it in their young 20s that is a real concern.

It’s a quid pro quo

so he has a stake in the ground of no more than 5 hours a day
but he’s doing 3.5 hours solid revision day this holiday
a long dog walk every day
eats all meals at the table with family
and during term time he’s in A team rugby and swim team

so I’m tentatively comfortable with it all

My 15yo is probably a slightly different situation as he’s autistic, attends an SEN placement and his social battery is much lower. He uses ‘gaming’ as decompression / being in a world he can control and knows the rules etc. we don’t limit him at all and he has learnt self regulation to a point. He often watches YouTube - but it’s on his niche, special interest topics. He plays his PC a lot, but often on chess or historical / battle / strategy games which has taught him a lot of skills and knowledge and he will sometimes play smash up games on the PS or VR but he’s often online with friends, socialising and jumping about the place. I see no harm in any of it considering he manages school full time, has no interest in any of the usual social media platforms, gets good marks, attends a club 5 hours a week, swims and walks about 20 miles per week. When he gets bored he comes and looks for something else to do or just listens to music!

edit to add as above - he sleeps really well, eats all meals with us and showers daily and looks after himself. I think if all basic tasks are completed, there is variety in the rest of life, fighting over gaming just isn’t worth it. You aren’t going to be there forever to police it so they need to learn how to do it themselves.

Yeah this. WE DON'T KNOW YOU. YOU CAN KEEP YOUR NAME

I have a 16yo DS. I don't set screen time limits for him, but he does lots of other stuff as well - plays football, earns a bit of money refereeing, plays in a band, meets his friends, does his homework. So I don't mind him spending his spare time gaming. Does your DS have other interests that you could encourage?

And even if we did

is this really a thread you’d be worried about being attached to you??

Ive always been strict on this and as such i dont need to be so much now. Only my youngest (16) really games but he plays sport and an instrument so actually has limited time to play. The 'deal' we have is i trust him.to set boundaries but if i think hes on it too much or staying up too late or its impacting revision/other hobbies then i will intervene.

This works for us as the starting point is a conversation e.g the other day he played a lot so i raised it at dinner and he had just bought a new game. After a couple of intense days he was back to usual so i accepted that as a one off.

Would they be open to setting boundaries WITH you rather you imposing? Discuss what you both think and meet in the middle?

I didn’t set boundaries around gaming but I did have rules on other stuff - revision, chores etc.

he didn’t have much time for gaming in term time and in the summer he mostly preferred to be outside or at friends houses, so honestly big picture I didn’t care.

he stopped doing it at uni which was about when everyone else stopped.

😂😂Sorry, it sounds rather grandiose, but there's just another thread I wrote that could link me easily given this one - I just felt it was easier.