Am I a strict, unreasonable mum to 15 year old DS?

[echinaceaberry]

NC'd for this.

I wrote a long post and then thought, all I want to ask is: what is reasonable amount of time for a 15 year to be gaming in his room on non school days?

It is the endless war in our house and I'm really depressed by it, by how I'm made out to be over challenging it.

Why not sit him down and talk about him choosing other activities to add in, and you dropping your limits a bit if he’s doing other stuff. Also breaks for his eyes and hands.

Have him build a healthy lifestyle with things he enjoys longterm - can include building games/coding or making cosplay outfits plus walks or gym if games really are his passion. Could include gaming next to a friend and walking to get a pizza or walking to friend’s house if it’s about socializing. Could be biking to and from volunteering or his job. It could be reading, playing piano and winning rowing medals and learning a language, but it doesn’t need to be.

I don't worry about it too much with mine and view it more as is he doing it to the detriment of other parts of his life rather than arbitary target times.

He's autistic and has little spare social battery, so communicating with a couple of friends online is opening up more than he would do in the real world. Talking to his school friend's mum, friend is the same, plus they live at the other end of town so logistically hard to drop in on each other anyway.

Between dyslexia and autism, he's not a book lover. He satiates his thirst for information from youtube which is more accessible than getting that information through wriggling, blurred text in niche books.

He does Warhammer as a creative and social outlet. There is a cap on what he can invest into that due to costs. He's a Lego fan too.

He does DoE award, running (both parkruns and independently) and a martial art. He's fit and active. He also has a significant walk to the bus stop with a heavy school bag. DoE means that he volunteers, and he is self-motivated at setting goals and strategising them.

He's doing well with school, self-motivates on homework, and his youtube documentary interest is a positive to his learning. He also does his share of household chores.

His screentime is watching decent quality/ special interest youtube, or playing strategy/ construction type games that require thought.

Last summer I was mulling all this over and came to the conclusion that his teen lifestyle isn't vastly different to mine. Admittedly my 386 didn't have internet access, but I did spend a notable amount of time on my PC (or my brother's SNES when I could get away from it). I did read/ draw more, and there was more teen-friendly TV on weekend mornings. I did less sport/ physical activity.

I am watching the space more closely with his younger brother, mainly that he likes more PVP type games and they can hype his mood. He is also easier to draw into doing things with me, so easier to divert into something else.

Both of mine find school intense and draining and they need a decent amount of autonomy in how they unwind. As long as they're fit, healthy, cover other aspects of their lives, and aren't exposed to toxic content, they need chance to unwind without external pressure. Micro-managing does not result in healthy outcomes down the line either.

In answer to your question, you are not strict at all for being concerns at spending 7 hours a free day on gaming.

Gaming is addictive and he is wasting his time and youth.

I think he should not be allowed gaming at all as a baseline, and he will have to earn up to 4 hours a free day by not arguing back, complaining about it, being disrespectful etc. It’s good that he continues to do his schoolwork and eat with the family, so I guess that deserves 2 hours if he keeps that up.

If he doesn’t comply then get rid of gaming entirely. He can waste his life once he’s 18, but until then you are responsible for him.

@SouthernFashionista that edit was a dick move. You’ve totally changed the tone and sense of your post 🙄

The thing is it's more than just gaming - most teens hang out with their friends online, playing together. They chat and play. It's difficult to understand how this form of communication is replacing the BMX gang - well at least, I struggle to compare it.

My DS' are 21 and 24 - they always self regulated. BUT both went to very demanding academic/sporty schools, so they were forced to make good decisions themselves or risk bad grades / demotion on teams etc.

The difference is very real and so it does matter in the bigger context.

Gaming does change your brain in ways TV doesn’t. There are positives but there are negatives in terms of dopamine loops and feedback and if someone is spending too much time on games it’s very possible it’s because of that. It also reduces the ability to concentrate on longer term less feedback inducing activities like reading or skills that need long term focus, although it increases short term focus.

My ds ( now 32) gamed constantly in his teens.

He’s got a fantastic job, lovely gf and his own house. He’s kind, caring, funny and lovely.

If it rewrote his brain it did it in a good way. He still games now.

They do learn a lot of skills from gaming, teamwork, problem-solving, specific social skills, negotiating, planning….Depends what he’s playing I suppose. It’s fucking hideous and you have my sympathies, but if you think about it, it’s not long before he will have absolutely free rein and you won’t be able to do anything about it at all, I’m just being realistic, I would probably be relaxed about it like his dad is because you are fighting a losing battle and it would be better to be there to help him navigate the world of gaming with all its social complexity. It can be a very creative endeavour, it makes a huge difference, whether he’s involved in massive Minecraft building activities with his peers or simply playing Grandtheft auto. I would try to get in there with him if I was you and show an interest in what he is doing.

All these things are inside him and , in years to come, they may well reappear. Cooking is a fantastic skillat uni, as is music. My youngest brother joined the choir at his university, discovered there were 4 men and 23 women and had a very pleasant few tears ( lots of sex). When he gas children of his own he may well use the story writing skills. Just now it's gaming

My son at this age was similar, I did worry and would try and make sure he was off by 10pm on a school night but I did take some comfort that he was socialising - sometimes I could hear him laughing so I thought it can’t be all bad. It was a blessing during lockdown.
He is now 20 and in university and hardly games at all as he s too busy doing other stuff.
My advice would be set times he has to finish by - turn the internet off if needs be and change the password to one he doesn’t know

Let him choose his own hobbies.

You clearly want him to spend his time doing what you enjoy. You’ve arbitrarily decided gaming isn’t wholesome/improving/artsy/middle-class enough for your child and you’d rather he did something he doesn’t enjoy as much.

He’s 15, not 7. He’s old enough to choose his own pastimes.

Sorry the games now are completely different to sega games from back in the day. Apples and oranges.

I disagree. I honestly think I’d prefer they were out drinking and partying with friends! It is so so so kind for their brains and social skills.

I’m a great cook

I’m a published fiction writer

So what? He isn’t you. Let him be his own person. Stop projecting.

Our DS is now 17. He games with friends a lot on weekends and during school holidays. For me, it's not just about the length of time, the attitude when I tell him when his time will be up is a deal-breaker. Eg if he's arsey, then he spent too long on it and I instigate data free time (reading, whatever). If he's reasonable and pleasant about limiting the time online and actually engaging with friends ftf then it's ok.
During school terms, there are obviously more tasks that need to be completed before he can game with friends. But as it's his method of socialising I don't want to remove it completely

I think it’s the quality of the stimulation that makes it different. TV is a bit mentally deadening, given, but it doesn’t give the same dopamine hit. I don’t believe expecting that level of simulation from life can be healthy. I’ve never heard of children going berserk about having the TV turned off, compared to computer games. They’re designed to be addictive

Not intended as a ‘dick move’ at all. I posted my reply before finishing it and realised that it was indeed harsh and didn’t convey any sympathy. FWIW, I genuinely do sympathise with the OP. I can imagine it is deeply frustrating.

We had forced times to come off gaming and way before dinner. That meant they were available to prep food, help cook, or actually cook the whole thing. Table setting, getting drinks etc. The same with after dinner, everyone clears away and no one is sitting down until everything is washed or in the dishwasher. Dinner was eaten together as was lunch on the weekend too.

Homework had to be done to a high standard. Attitude was the great determiner. If you were shitty, no tech for you. Argue and you lose more time on it. This was established in primary school though so they knew we stood firm. If you wanted more time on tech then you ask calmly, no demanding, just a conversation. We used to have family table talks. You want something, later bedtime, something you need money for? Negotiate for it.

They also had a chore chart that they were expected to complete with no comments. That way they had a daily routine of stuff to do.

We had family tv stuff, films on weekends, board games, card games. This meant they had a mix of different activities plus the sport they did twice a week. After that they were allowed to game with their mates or each other. Dh and I both used to game before we had children. We also binged tv as children too.

I don't think it is as bad as everyone thinks. It depends on the games they are playing. If they are combat style then their blood pressure is raised, the communication and language they can be exposed to is horrific. However, my now young adult sons play games where the communication is only between you and your team and the team consists of their mates not some aggressive 30 year old trying to take down teens.

No one is stressed to death in the games they play and they have Steam accounts so games are cheaper and plentiful. They learned that if a game was causing them anger issues, stop playing the game for a bit or we would take them off it as we could hear their conversations over their headsets.

I definitely use to play Goldeneye and Sonic for that long sometimes in the 90s. I appear to now be a perfectly normal 44 year old woman with a decent job and a family.

Of course it's not ideal every day, but it's also not a path to delinquency.

Bloody hell. Life’s gone mad.

I never understand the need to start any post with this 🤷🏼‍♀️😵‍💫

Real world play is indeed the best thing for children and so many are missing out more and more