Page 5 | Am I a strict, unreasonable mum to 15 year old DS?

echinaceaberry · 2025-12-26T08:08:40+00:00

NC'd for this. I wrote a long post and then thought, all I want to ask is: what is reasonable amount of time for a 15 year to be gaming in his room on non school days? It is the endless war in our house and I'm really depressed by it, by how I'm made out to be over challenging it.

estrogone · 26/12/2025 09:59

YippyKiYay · 26/12/2025 09:47

Our DS is now 17. He games with friends a lot on weekends and during school holidays. For me, it's not just about the length of time, the attitude when I tell him when his time will be up is a deal-breaker. Eg if he's arsey, then he spent too long on it and I instigate data free time (reading, whatever). If he's reasonable and pleasant about limiting the time online and actually engaging with friends ftf then it's ok.
During school terms, there are obviously more tasks that need to be completed before he can game with friends. But as it's his method of socialising I don't want to remove it completely

Do you make your 17 year old stop?

Onemorechristmas · 26/12/2025 10:00

echinaceaberry · 26/12/2025 08:33

Ok. This is helpful, thanks.

So, he's Year 10. Just 15. In term time, all phones off at 9.45, he usually has something after school and then homework/training and he always eats meals with us. He;s doing fine/well in school.

The weekend (non match days) and holidays - I just feel has become a monster. He can literally argue and talk his way through any challenge on what amount of time he's been on - he'll get up late, walk the dog (sometimes, after an argument), eat, then do a couple or few hours - manage to get him off even for a short time to do something else - eat with us - and then he wants to game until 12/1 with friends.

It can be up to 7 hours some days and I just find it fucking scary. DH is a great dad, he agrees but also is more relaxed.

But I worry it's just insane. That his mental health will deteroriorate.

But it is like trying to reason with a rottweiler. After a battle, he is open to constraints on most things - he will EVENTUALLY concede on doing home work, curfews, no booze etc etc - whatever - but the gaming - he feels entitled, somehow. And it's always 'all my mates are on' You're strict. Harsh. Unreasaonable. Clash. Clash.

And so it goes on.

I honestly despair. It makes me feel like I've failed as a mother.

Edited

It doesn’t help you OP but this is exactly why I won’t get gaming stuff for our house. One child could manage it and be reasonable. The other child sounds much more like yours. I’m hoping there’s some good advice for you from people who have a child like yours. Can you bring the screens curfew forward to 10pm instead of 11? Or 9 instead of 9.45?

EatYourDamnPie · 26/12/2025 10:00

Onemorechristmas · 26/12/2025 09:48

I think it’s the quality of the stimulation that makes it different. TV is a bit mentally deadening, given, but it doesn’t give the same dopamine hit. I don’t believe expecting that level of simulation from life can be healthy. I’ve never heard of children going berserk about having the TV turned off, compared to computer games. They’re designed to be addictive

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And yet TV addiction was a big thing , with research papers and plenty of articles published throughout the years.

ParmaVioletTea · 26/12/2025 10:01

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Actually yes. I had responsibilities towards animals , including training ponies (part of the family business) and I was up most mornings at 6am. The television wasn’t turned on in our house until after supper. Maybe at about 8pm, but I was usually in bed by then as I liked reading.

ParmaVioletTea · 26/12/2025 10:01

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Actually yes. I had responsibilities towards animals , including training ponies (part of the family business) and I was up most mornings at 6am. The television wasn’t turned on in our house until after supper. Maybe at about 8pm, but I was usually in bed by then as I liked reading.

ParmaVioletTea · 26/12/2025 10:01

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Actually yes. I had responsibilities towards animals , including mucking out and exercising and training ponies (part of the family business) and I was up most mornings at 6am. The television wasn’t turned on in our house until after supper. Maybe at about 8pm, but I was usually in bed by then as I liked reading.

KitsyWitsy · 26/12/2025 10:01

I have three boys so I have been through this. Pick your battles and encourage them to do other things without making a big fuss about the gaming. I know it's hard. All mine still love games but I guess at some point, other interests took over and gaming is further down the list.

For one of my sons, gaming was his only social outlet for a while and he's made lifelong friends on it. It wasn't just gaming but met other needs too.

ParmaVioletTea · 26/12/2025 10:01

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Actually yes. I had responsibilities towards animals , including mucking out and exercising and training ponies (part of the family business) and I was up most mornings at 6am. The television wasn’t turned on in our house until after supper. Maybe at about 8pm, but I was usually in bed by then as I liked reading.

Original poster

echinaceaberry · 26/12/2025 10:02

Dliplop · 26/12/2025 09:27

Why not sit him down and talk about him choosing other activities to add in, and you dropping your limits a bit if he’s doing other stuff. Also breaks for his eyes and hands.

Have him build a healthy lifestyle with things he enjoys longterm - can include building games/coding or making cosplay outfits plus walks or gym if games really are his passion. Could include gaming next to a friend and walking to get a pizza or walking to friend’s house if it’s about socializing. Could be biking to and from volunteering or his job. It could be reading, playing piano and winning rowing medals and learning a language, but it doesn’t need to be.

Honestly, I try to talk to him about it. All. The. Time

OP posts:

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 26/12/2025 10:04

Honestly at 15 I just leave them to it during the holidays.

ObelixtheGaul · 26/12/2025 10:05

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/12/2025 08:54

I was going to say this. I'm 70 and remember getting a TV for the first time. There wasn't a lot of TV on for children than and people thought children were being damaged by watching too much. Going back further in time people thought reading too much was damaging. In fact, not that much further, I know people whose parents told them to put a book away and go outside to play.

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I'm only 51 and my Dad thought I read too much. He was the sporty/active type and didn't really understand my hours of absorption in a book. And, to be fair, it was pretty anti-social. I heard nothing when I read, I was totally immersed in the world of the book.

Original poster

echinaceaberry · 26/12/2025 10:05

BauhausOfEliott · 26/12/2025 09:44

I’m a great cook

I’m a published fiction writer

So what? He isn’t you. Let him be his own person. Stop projecting.

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Unnecessary. I was explaining my interests and if and when I shared them.

Sorry if me sharing what and who I am rubbed you up the wrong way.

OP posts:

LottieMary · 26/12/2025 10:06

dont have kids this old yet but I guess similar to tv so if I’d be happy to sit down and watch gone with the wind or lord of the rings then About 4 hours seems reasonable.

plus games benefit from immersion especially some of the long form narratives. Could you play some together?
I’d be more upset they didn’t want to be with family tbh but we’re always doing stuff rather than sitting round

EatYourDamnPie · 26/12/2025 10:08

echinaceaberry · 26/12/2025 09:04

Anything. Learn an instrument. Write a short story. Cook. Listen to music. Read a book (has become an enormously reluctant reader)

I'm a creative, so that would be obvious for me but anything other than gaming.

Yes, he games a lot with friends. Sometimes chooses to be on his own.

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I suspect it’s the socialising aspect you’re missing. Basically, he’s mostly just hanging out with his mates , but in a format which is alien to you. As long as he’s laughing , chatting , having fun and interacting (as opposed to getting angry, swearing etc) it’s honestly not that bad.

Yes, it would be better if he went out with his friends, but it’s blooming freezing, people are away or half committed with the holidays, can they meet up easily without lifts or spending money to do an activity/be warm , etc.

Franjipanl8r · 26/12/2025 10:08

The teens on screens are the future useless men of MN.

Please let’s not produce any more of these useless men where nothing’s ever demanded of them as a teenager.

EatYourDamnPie · 26/12/2025 10:10

ObelixtheGaul · 26/12/2025 10:05

I'm only 51 and my Dad thought I read too much. He was the sporty/active type and didn't really understand my hours of absorption in a book. And, to be fair, it was pretty anti-social. I heard nothing when I read, I was totally immersed in the world of the book.

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I’m 40 and I remember the same speech. Go outside! Do your homework so you can go play! So and so is out already.

No , thanks. It was a really good book. They all were.

EatYourDamnPie · 26/12/2025 10:10

Franjipanl8r · 26/12/2025 10:08

The teens on screens are the future useless men of MN.

Please let’s not produce any more of these useless men where nothing’s ever demanded of them as a teenager.

What about the girls?

Franjipanl8r · 26/12/2025 10:10

We don’t allow any screens or devices in bedrooms. We have one TV in the lounge with a games console that DS has to use in front of the family and take turns with the TV. That’s how it’s regulated. Bedrooms are about relaxation and reading in our household.

Franjipanl8r · 26/12/2025 10:12

EatYourDamnPie · 26/12/2025 10:10

What about the girls?

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The same with the girls, but I thought the “men are all useless” trope would land better with the MN crowd. I agree it was a sexist statement but the same goes for women who have no hobbies or skills as an adult to rely on for socialising later in life.

Hazelmaybe · 26/12/2025 10:13

I hear you. It’s hard. I would rather my son wrote a book or played an instrument too. The thing is gaming is fun, social and typical for boys that age. If he’s playing sport and doing well at school, has friends and is generally happy I would probably let it go and let him game a few hours a day. There are alot of benefits to gaming, and it does sound like he has a balance.

Raintoday2323 · 26/12/2025 10:14

As long as they want but they happily come off if we are doing something as a family. They are doing well at school and are really pleasant and no bother. Keep their rooms tidy ect.
They would just watch TV instead but with games they are usually playing with friends and are laughing and enjoying themselves. Im not monitoring it over the holidays. In school time I like them to be off an hour before bed to wind down.
They are also active with clubs after every school day. I let them zone out on weekends and holidays.

nancpmf · 26/12/2025 10:14

Franjipanl8r · 26/12/2025 10:08

The teens on screens are the future useless men of MN.

Please let’s not produce any more of these useless men where nothing’s ever demanded of them as a teenager.

My husband games and he is not “useless”, he does more around the house than I do. He just chooses to game in his downtime, you don’t see the irony of having such dogmatic and ignorant opinions as if that’s a healthy balanced way of raising children tolerant of others.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/12/2025 10:15

Franjipanl8r · 26/12/2025 10:08

The teens on screens are the future useless men of MN.

Please let’s not produce any more of these useless men where nothing’s ever demanded of them as a teenager.

We had 3 teen gamers.

All now successful in jobs. All do housework/ cooking. All emotionally intelligent lovely people.

Ds is with a female gamer. Shes got a very high flying demanding career.

None of them are in the least bit useless.

nancpmf · 26/12/2025 10:16

Franjipanl8r · 26/12/2025 10:12

The same with the girls, but I thought the “men are all useless” trope would land better with the MN crowd. I agree it was a sexist statement but the same goes for women who have no hobbies or skills as an adult to rely on for socialising later in life.

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Because your social skills are coming across very well …? Generally speaking people with hobbies don’t troll Mumsnet on Boxing Day morning to slag off other people’s parenting. Is it your DS’s turn on the TV, are you bored?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 26/12/2025 10:17

BoxOfFredoFrogs · 26/12/2025 08:50

I started a thread last week asking whether I was unreasonable to say DH had to return a PS5 he bought our 12 year old son for Christmas because DS had not asked for it and I didn’t want to introduce it into our lives. Many people said I was unreasonable and gaming is fine. But this thread just highlights that once those machines are in the house you don’t just have to deal with the time gaming but all the time around that negotiating gaming times etc. I just don’t get why people want that in their lives. And it’s not like watching TV in the family room as we did as kids. It’s hours not interacting with humans in your household while your brain is 100% involved in a much more intense interaction with a screen.

Edited

I am on your team with this.

If its fine its fine but when its not fine it can derail things completely.

We arw a low tech house despite my dhs love of tech and staying that way

Our kids are small right now so its easier... but my friends 3 yr has her.own iPhone "for games" 😵‍💫