Am I a strict, unreasonable mum to 15 year old DS?

[echinaceaberry]

NC'd for this.

I wrote a long post and then thought, all I want to ask is: what is reasonable amount of time for a 15 year to be gaming in his room on non school days?

It is the endless war in our house and I'm really depressed by it, by how I'm made out to be over challenging it.

Is he socialising when gaming, playing/talking with friends or on his own?

I hope you get better soon

What do you want him to do instead OP?

I was a bit of a gamer as a teenager and while my parents didn’t set limits, they did make sure I had lots of other things to do so that my gaming time was naturally limited.

I think as long as he’s doing well in school, participating in a sport of some kind and is otherwise a good kid, I wouldn’t get stressed about an extra couple of hours on a screen.

I do get what you say here - I have older teenage daughters and they did all get things like Snapchat at age 14 because of peer pressure. I still had rules from the start of phones though: no phones in bedrooms after 10pm. No phones at meal tables or while hanging out with family downstairs. If I pay for your phone I can check it including the screen time app. But the rules could sometimes feel exhausting and I would prefer to avoid that with DS and gaming if I can but just not introducing a console into our lives.

Mine are 16 and 14 ( girl/boy).

We don’t have a screen time limit any more but all electronics go off at 10pm, everyone has to go to bed or at least be in their room quietly from around 10, we eat together and they have some jobs they have to do.

Very lucky that they both have good ownership of their own school work etc so I don’t get involved in that.

My ds is 14 and does air cadets twice a week, stays after school for basketball, plays the piano and probably practices three times a week. When he’s not doing that, his school work, seeing friends, eating/coming out with us- then he will be on his gaming as his default activity. I think that’s alright tbh. I don’t monitor the time he spends on it.

Anything. Learn an instrument. Write a short story. Cook. Listen to music. Read a book (has become an enormously reluctant reader)

I'm a creative, so that would be obvious for me but anything other than gaming.

Yes, he games a lot with friends. Sometimes chooses to be on his own.

This is what I ask myself (and happy to be challenged because I don’t know the answer). I was a tv addict as a teen, literally all I did! I was a good student, physically healthy, did everything else my parents wanted from me…just watched a lot of tv! I’m a fully functioning adult with a good job, family etc, I have hobbies now (more than when I was a teenager!) I’ve been so strict on gaming with mine but my son is 15 and I’ve started to loosen the reigns a little so he starts to self regulate (youngest is AuADHD so will be different), he has one other hobby that takes up a lot of time (physical hobby) so he likes the mental and physical break gaming brings, so I ask myself, is gaming worse than tv? Does it depend on the game?

OP, every word you say resonates with me.

3 teens, my DD never a problem around reasonable use of screens, my two DSs, 16 & 14, nightmare.

Both v sporty so that naturally regulates it but it absolutely impacts mood, communication & honestly, their brains. Both are bright, but significantly under-performing in school. Youngest has various issues, and regulation is one, worsened by unlimited time on screens.

So, they have limits. And we battle. And they say exactly what your DS does. And they do everything in their power to get around the screen time limits. Causing more rows.

All I can say is that at my core, I feel I can’t entirely leave them to it. I will continue to fight the battle. However, I flip / flop all the time and am not ever getting it right. I’m sure I’ll see it differently in hindsight. But for now I muddle on.

I really do empathise & feel your pain.

Agree with the wider picture - mine is on his a lot this holiday but it’s cold wet and rainy outside and he will go out when he can. He’ll be chatting to all his friends on there. I agree though it dos feel like a lot some days - we only intervene and remove things if he’s not behaving well at school

This is kind of where we are - the grades for his A Level mocks indicate that he is studying the right amount and I know that he is gaming with friends he knows in real life - chatting over discord, sometimes they are all watching a TV programme together - they just aren’t in the same physical room. Because of the large catchment for schools and their 6th form college many of them live some distance away and whilst I am happy to uber my kids and their friends, many of their friends parents aren’t (shift work/travelling, wanting a glass of wine, sometimes just being a dick etc) and public transport seems useless where we are unless you are commuting into London - it takes over 1hr 40mins via train to do a journey that is 13-15mins by parental uber.

So long as the tech is off by midnight, grades are maintained and they are interacting with real life friends, I am now quite relaxed.

Do you encourage any of that? Did you book music lessons when he was younger, do you teach him to cook and expect him to prepare meals etc?

But he doesn’t want to do those things and you can’t make him. I loved to read when I was younger and it’s disappointing that my 2 dc don’t, I try to encourage them but they just won’t. Maybe do things as a family that gets him out of the house and away from the computer. At the end of the day, it’s not the worst thing in the world, as long as he’s respectful, it’s not affecting his sleep or school grades, you need to accept that it’s his thing or you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

OP, this all makes sense to me too.

However, reluctantly, I also have to recognise my DC are different to me. I was / am v academic (my DSs will I hope do fine at school / university but they don’t have that interest I did), I’m a do-er, always going. That’s my way to relax.

Thankfully we are all sporty so we have that in common, but when they are not playing sports, they would do … nothing.

On balance, I think you are right to keep pushing. With my DS, I have insisted on outdoor time before 12 - run, park with friends, GAA club (we’re in Ireland). They moan & complain BUT are better for it & I can live with the screens a bit then. And my youngest is significantly less dysregulated then.

We are parents & have to keep doing what we think is best, taking the chance it will be wrong.

in your case, I might insist on eg an hour’s cooking with you for family dinner but then let him at the gaming for 4 hours (but not longer).

And about TV, it is different. TV has no power of engagement. Yes it’s possible to veg & waste hours but the point at which you become bored happens sooner.

Screentime, for all of us, is enticing and laced with dopamine hits, so we are drawn in more & more & it gets harder to stop, and we can feel shit when we do.

I agree the 4-5 hour mark is reasonable. Depending on what they are gaming ot is also social if they are chatting and gaming together with friends. If in the big picture they are doing a variety of things, the a few hours gaming in holiday is fine I think.

In my experience they always say all their friends are on there all the time, in reality there’s a couple of children. Depends on other things for me, does he contribute to the house doing chores / etc? Is he doing any socialising in person? It would be a hard no for me if they’re playing that many hours, whilst I was doing everything. And I would be concerned if there was zero in person socialising.

It’s absolutely not the same as watching tv for hours, the games are designed to be addicted.

As an odd day I would let it go, but absolutely not as a regular thing / the whole holidays.

She was being sympathetic OP, I saw no judgment in her post.

I grew up in the 80s-90s and had a c64 and a sega mega drive. I certainly spent 6-8hours playing sonic the hedgehog and monkey island. Unsurprisingly I’m fine. Leave him to it

She’s expressing sympathy. That’s not a judgement at all.

Yes, I did. He had piano lessons, then guitar lessons - totalling 4 years, until he gave them up in Year 9. I'm a great cook, we often cooked together - when he went through a fad of loving baking, we did lots of that. I am a published fiction writer - I've taken him to events, brought copious books - I've indulged everything I can, where I can, because I want my kids to have those opportunities - if only to see where it can take them

I'm not happy for anyone in my family to spend hours watching TV either! Or was that your point?

Her second sentence was not present when I responded. You'll see her post has been edited. Of course, i would not have said what I said if it had been.

The late nights would be a no for me - but DS went to bed before 9 most nights until Y13 so it's not a battle we had.

Aside from that, everything in moderation. Is he playing with school friends online? Is it a mix of games? Most of DS's peer group seemed to self moderate - with a bit of parental persuasion 😆

I LOVED Monkey Island so much! Guybrush Threepwood was a total babe 😂

OP, I say this tentatively and you can obviously tell me to fuck off but have you considered asking him about the games he is playing and why he likes them so much?
As someone who was previously opposed to video games - not all games are created equally - some of the higher quality ones really can be a beautiful and emersive experience without constant dopamine hits. They can contain complex characters, interesting character arcs, difficult missions that require a lot of thought and planning, beautifully rendered scenes, heartbreaking storylines, explore certain themes etc. I don’t see it as being any different than getting in to a really good show, but it’s better because the action isn’t happening to you, you’re part of it. It can be hard to understand this if you’re not a gamer.

Very different IMO to spending hours scrolling through TikTok.