Am I a strict, unreasonable mum to 15 year old DS?

[echinaceaberry]

NC'd for this.

I wrote a long post and then thought, all I want to ask is: what is reasonable amount of time for a 15 year to be gaming in his room on non school days?

It is the endless war in our house and I'm really depressed by it, by how I'm made out to be over challenging it.

What’s your other thread about that you wouldn’t want it linked to this??!

Ok. This is helpful, thanks.

So, he's Year 10. Just 15. In term time, all phones off at 9.45, he usually has something after school and then homework/training and he always eats meals with us. He;s doing fine/well in school.

The weekend (non match days) and holidays - I just feel has become a monster. He can literally argue and talk his way through any challenge on what amount of time he's been on - he'll get up late, walk the dog (sometimes, after an argument), eat, then do a couple or few hours - manage to get him off even for a short time to do something else - eat with us - and then he wants to game until 12/1 with friends.

It can be up to 7 hours some days and I just find it fucking scary. DH is a great dad, he agrees but also is more relaxed.

But I worry it's just insane. That his mental health will deteroriorate.

But it is like trying to reason with a rottweiler. After a battle, he is open to constraints on most things - he will EVENTUALLY concede on doing home work, curfews, no booze etc etc - whatever - but the gaming - he feels entitled, somehow. And it's always 'all my mates are on' You're strict. Harsh. Unreasaonable. Clash. Clash.

And so it goes on.

I honestly despair. It makes me feel like I've failed as a mother.

And please, for those of you who say, your house/your rules - you are clearly not used to parenting a kid with a will of fucking iron. It is an entirely different experience from other kids.

Honestly, let it go. It's not your business what the other thread was.

This was our approach with DS who is autistic. The screen was the only thing that helped him regulate. We had a ‘everything’ switch off time of 11pm where we would all go to bed but he was free to use his screens at any time for any length of time before that. Far from being damaging to him it actually just gave him the comfort and space he needed. It worked for him and he now has a first class honours degree in a related area. I know it isn’t the right way for all teenagers but for some it actually can be far more beneficial to allow them the time than not.

More than an hour a day is a waste of time when he could be doing something productive - learning music, playing sport, reading, volunteering, for example.

No advice except to say that it is very unlikely you will 'win'. I regret some of the arguments I had with one of my teen DC and wish I had not taken the strict stance I did, though it wasn't about gaming.

My DS14 is a huge gamer and spends many hours a day gaming on weekends and evenings. My DH is a gamer too. We do have very strict rules. Homework/Revision comes first and I enforce this very strictly. If we are having lunch/dinner, DS has to come and eat with us and obviously if we are going out or doing something as a family, that comes first.. He has his door open at all times so we can see what he's doing/hear him. His gaming laptop is in the boxroom, not his bedroom. He is not allowed to play with strangers and can only play games that DH approves. DH has put lots of blocks in olace so DS can't download new games, etc- and sometimes things in the games he plays need DH to approve and enter a password. So although he games a lot, it is safe and well monitored. He is not allowed to play games with any gambling elements. He has a nice group of friends from school and they game together and chat on headsets, and he also games a lot with DH and DH's brothers. If DS was struggling academically or was not well adjusted, I would definitely be stricter, but gaming is his way of relaxing and currently it is working OK for us with our rules in place.

I think the important thi g is to check whether it is interfering with other aspects of life. If he is attending school and clubs, doing homework/recision, seeing friends and family and generally engaging in life, then i wouldn't make it a hill to die on. If it is creeping into addiction/interfering with other activities/causing personality changes then obviously you need to intervene.

I’m ill in bed with flu, lovely Christmas virus, thanks very much.

I started a thread last week asking whether I was unreasonable to say DH had to return a PS5 he bought our 12 year old son for Christmas because DS had not asked for it and I didn’t want to introduce it into our lives. Many people said I was unreasonable and gaming is fine. But this thread just highlights that once those machines are in the house you don’t just have to deal with the time gaming but all the time around that negotiating gaming times etc. I just don’t get why people want that in their lives. And it’s not like watching TV in the family room as we did as kids. It’s hours not interacting with humans in your household while your brain is 100% involved in a much more intense interaction with a screen.

I don't think it's interfering with other activtities, per se - but I just think it diminishes life as a whole. Which sounds incredibly dramatic, and makes me sound as old as I am...but it's just depressing to me, however hard I try to remind myself, this is part of his generation's enjoyment.

I don't want it to constantly be the big thing between us, but it is. We already have a hot-headed relationship - tons and tons of love but also conflict, and yet quick to repair, always - but it's exhausting.

You did the right thing, IMO. At 12, I wouldn't have allowed it.

It's much harder as they get older because a) you have less control b) the mass/peer pressures/friends thing becomes far more oppressive

I was going to say this. I'm 70 and remember getting a TV for the first time. There wasn't a lot of TV on for children than and people thought children were being damaged by watching too much. Going back further in time people thought reading too much was damaging. In fact, not that much further, I know people whose parents told them to put a book away and go outside to play.

If he is talking back and being difficult about other tasks then he doesn't get gaming, end of. You ask once, he does the dog, breakfast, whatever. If he is turning it into a battle you withdraw the game. It's about respect rather than the video gaming. And if he complies then reward with the number of hours you feel appropriate. It's not your business to be like other mums - maybe they let their kids stay up til two and do drugs - are you still the strict mum? Based on your own good sense figure out what you think is the number, and stick to it.

This 100%
Teen years are like having toddlers again, they need loads of direction and supervision

My teens have parental controls on things until after GCSEs. Non negotiable. Phones time limited. Nintendo switch time limited to just a couple of hours at weekends and in school holidays. There was no x box type games console. Older teen bought one himself using his pay from Saturday job post 16 but it is not in the bedroom.

I think as soon as you put a TV screen in the bedroom you are on a slippery slope because you are so limited in what you can do. If they console is in a common area of the house then they simply can't game all day and night because there are other people to consider.

My teens railed against the limits at times but 2 of them are post 16 now and are able to manage their time after the restrictions were ended, understand why the restrictions were kept and the oldest in particular has said that he knows full well he would have been on screens all the time without the restrictions.

Up to seven hours a day? I despair. What a waste. Full sympathy for you OP. I completely understand your concern and frustration.

Would it be alright if he was scrolling youtube or tiktok rather than gaming?

Honestly, I think this is a sensible approach. I used to be totally against the idea of ‘wasting’ hours a day gaming until I randomly started doing it myself this year. I found it a great way to switch off when I couldn’t concentrate on reading a book or watching TV. I feel like it gave my brain a break from overthinking and it actually ended up being a short spell of a few months and now I am back in to reading again. I can spend hours and hours a day lost in a book now.

My rules were as long as they still did their school work, sports etc then I didnt police what they did at age 15. They need to learn to self regulate, obviously we would remind them of times etc so weren't completely hands off but it worked for us, never had any issues as it was never a forbidden thing, same with phones.

How is that helpful? Seriously. You've added nothing to this conversation except judgement, which I simply don't need.