Am I a strict, unreasonable mum to 15 year old DS?

[echinaceaberry]

NC'd for this.

I wrote a long post and then thought, all I want to ask is: what is reasonable amount of time for a 15 year to be gaming in his room on non school days?

It is the endless war in our house and I'm really depressed by it, by how I'm made out to be over challenging it.

My 15yo games for hours but she also reads and watches tv and engages in conversations with us so I don't mind it. If she was constantly gaming whilst shouting down the headset to people online, like her younger cousin, then It would be a different story.

As long as DS has his revision/homework done and his bedroom is tidy/clean I don’t mind how much time he spends on his PS5. But he does spend almost all of his day outside playing football (he’s in an academy) so it doesn’t feel so bad if he comes home and spends 3 or 4 hours gaming, I would probably feel different if he wasn’t already getting fresh air/exercise

Because the saddos with nothing else to do like searching through previous posts and will say things like "but you posted in 2007 that you bought him the PlayStation so it's all your fault". So weird but they do.

Zero is the proper answer. Should not be alone with computer without being sure it has appropriate blocks against porn etc (which is too easily accessed). Realistically? Allow an hour for games with long breaks between sessions, and pop head round door to see what is on the screen at irregular intervals.

This is something I really worry about for my 5 year old. And then I remember the hours upon hours, in the summer holidays, curtains drawn, playing Sonic the hedgehog 😂
I don't think it's a generational thing. However, I think the key difference is how much they socialise on line and if they have any friends in real life. When the games replace this, that's when there is a problem.
Me and my sister would finally defeat final villain 🙌 and then knock on for our friends and spend an evening zooming about on our bikes

I really think it depends on what else he does, how his social life and mental health are, and how it affects him.

Gaming has plenty of benefits in moderation, which is generally estimated at up to about 3 or 4hrs a day on average. It would be better if he could spread that out during the week, but it sounds like he doesn't have the time then, so he's pushing it to the weekend.

It's something he loves and he should be old enough to focus on hobbies he loves and not need a parent to ensure exposure to a wide range of alternatives. So in general, if he wants to spend 10 hours gaming twice a week, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing if he's getting enough sleep, doing his homework, getting exercise in the week, has friends, is helping around the house, etc. And if it doesn't have a negative impact on his mood.

When you tell him he has to stop gaming, are you asking him to do something else in particular or are you just telling him he isn't allowed to do something he loves because you don't like it?

He sounds busy when he’s offline, I’d probably relax a bit more about this tbh. With most 15 year olds the more you show how much you hate it the more he will do it.

I don’t understand why you think is mh will deteriorate from gaming? Many psychiatrists will tell you gaming is actually very very good for teens and for people with adhd/asd. I game, I have done all my life, when used properly it’s a great additional tool.

As long as it’s not interfering with the rest of his life, you might be fighting a losing battle.

To many people nowadays gaming is just another form of socialising. As long as it’s not all he’s doing with himself, I’d probably let him be.

We have a young coworker though that if he could he’d do nothing but stay up gaming (many times he comes to work barely functioning because he’s been up all night playing), in which case then yes I agree with limiting it. You don’t want your DS to reach 24 living a fantasy life.

I’m an ex gamer , somehow , I managed to move countries, get a job, make friends and make a family despite the hours upon hours playing Heroes or Need for Speed.

He’s 15 , not 10!

Fair enough on the porn though.

I've left my kids to it - their grades are amazing and they are well behaved.

Completely agree with this. Bedroom being screen free makes it a heck of a lot easier

What sort of games is he playing? Is he playing online with friends?

Content of any sort of screen matters more than timing in our house. DS is 13 and plays on his PC for an amount of time each day that would make the majority of people on this thread clutch their pearls so hard it would turn them into paste.

He plays games about strategy, history, politics. There's games with beautiful immersive worlds and character development that changes depending on the choices you make. He chats to his friends online when they play together. And yes, he plays games where he runs around shooting bugs and aliens with his friends and it's all a bit graphic and violent.

But he's fine. Last parents evening his teachers thought he was doing loads of reading around his subjects because he's excelling. He's not, he's playing games that gives him historical and geographical knowledge he wouldn't get from just reading. He's watching YouTube in between gaming in things that interest him. He's a good kid, a bit shy and and a bit full of teenage hormones and grump but I was worse at his age and all I was doing is reading.

You have to decide what works for you as a family. If it's definitely the gaming that's harming him then yes, put something in place to restrict it. There's a whole load of other environmental and social factors (particularly socio-economic) that can make kids' behaviour and mental health poor, everyone screaming that screen time is destroying a generation is a taking an overly simplistic view.

Somebody asked about watching the TV vs gaming and I think that the issue is that gaming you have to really stare at the screen but obviously if it’s on the phone or tablet it’s worse as you’re holding it near to your face. TV at least sometimes you look away or can do something else at the same time!! I used to be a tv addict but also read, drew, went out cycling bike etc

The problem you have it's a generation thing ,it's how they relax and connect with each other ,and then they chat about it at school ,so it helps them feel part of things at school ..to be left out of the discussion at school , because you missed out of an exciting game ,will be upsetting for them .
It's sounds like you have a lovely young man there op ,he's doing activities and doing well at school ,and eating meals with family .
If he was reading a book in his room ,you wouldn't have a problem with what he was doing ..but you feel gaming is not such a valuable activity than reading is .
But does someone dictate how you spend your down time ?
I've always been very relaxed with mine ,
I wanted them to cope with the Independence university brought,so they they lots of freedom way before uni

I don’t think there is a simple answer to this. If the young person is doing well in school, has friends, gets some exercise and does some kind of activity away from their computer games, I don’t think that giving exact set boundaries (as in number of hours a day) or constantly nagging at them is helpful.

Early 70s, when I was a teen we got "pong", the bat and ball computer game for XMAS. By New Year, we were bored with it. Times change.

I guess for me the question is if you set stricter gaming limits would he be happier or doing more useful stuff? What does he enjoy or benefit from that gaming is stopping him doing?

My daughter gets a certain amount of regulation from methodical, systematic elements of screen time. That is very different to using them all day long to the extent of extreme reactions when having to come off them. I honestly don't know what I would do if she gets to 15 and it becomes this big thing. I feel for you, teens are often difficult to parent on general without this added in. I think as others have said I think it's about the overall balance. Can you even try talking with him during the week and agreeing a schedule of sorts for the weekend where he does do other things for a couple of hours? I kind of do this with my daughter so she's not on her tablet for long stretches and I find it works better to be firm and clear beforehand and stick to it - although I'm under no illusions that this can be absolutely pointless with an older teen.

Presumably because there’s been a family discussion which might be outing to the op?

I’ll be honest, I cut my 15 yo some slack and do let him game all day in his room sometimes. He’s a good kid, never been in trouble, set to get straight 9s in his GCSEs and already has a place in a good college. He goes to cadets twice a week and is dedicated to that. He isn’t often rude or unreasonable at all, keeps his room pretty tidy. I think he deserves some downtime.

What is the actual problem?
Ive been a gamer since my dad bright a ZX81 home .. back in 1981.
It never stopped me getting qualifications and a high paying job.
It’s not my only hobby- I do loads of things …but modern games are a work of beauty and imagination and you need to use your brain and coordination to play them.
Studies have shown it helps older people keep brain-fit.
Currently playing Assasins creed Mirage and I’ve been doing so for the last 3 hours ( although I was up at 6 mucking the horses out)….

I think if he is a good kid with other interests, I'd let him have gaming days as down time. I played hours of the sims and spent days binge watching TV at that age. Maybe have days you set aside in your mind without telling him as 'gaming days' so the battle isn't every day. Then other days where he can play until a healthy bed time around other activites. Edited to add as I just remembered commenting to my DH recently how much I miss having a day gaming together between Christmas and new year playing call of duty like we did pre kids.

I am less bothered about time than about what else mine actually do.

Spend 1 or 2 full days playing video-games over the 2 weeks + off they have? Complete waste of time, but fine. Providing.. they do normal chores of course, but also read and more importantly spend most of the days out of the house.

I expect them to go do some sport for a few hours every day, meet their friends, they can go to the cinema or watch movies at home if they want. We have families outings to go to, they still have friends staying over - which mustn't be focused on video games as far as I am concerned.

It means some days they don't have time to spend anytime at all with video games.

I don't have fixed amount, because they know that if grades go down, if they don't do sport, and don't have a life, there will be an instant ban.

you know girls play just as much if not more?

It doesn't make it right, but even if men were the only gamers, the girls who spend their lives on their phones, the MN who spend their life on their phone and call "quality time" to watch rubbish on tv every single evening are not better.

The OP just happens to have a son