To be so fucking thankful I'm single?

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

Been single for 9 years now. I love it. Left a DV relationship and find it hard to trust or build a bond with a man without them getting on my last fucking nerve. I'll be happy dying single. But my gosh the threads I've seen the past few days about people's partner's/husbands being lazy or miserable or ungrateful over this supposedly happy period reminds me how happy I am not having to deal with all that shit anymore

Women are trained to put men on pedestals, to be handmaiden and ignore the red flags.

Or they are desperate for babies. “He’s not perfect but I want kids so he’ll have to do”.

Or they have chosen a man who was never that keen to have kids in the first place and needed persuading - or got pregnant “by accident” and are then surprised when he doesn’t take to fatherhood.

Trained by whom, exactly? Their mothers?

Im with you OP!! Ive been single for a year, happiest ive been in yonks! Everywhere i go im in constant earshot of couples arguing and constantly sniping at each other, soooo exhausting!!! (But refreshing for me) we are free!!!💓

Often, yes, it’s passed through the generations.

I don't think women hate men in general.

They hate men who are abusive, lazy, cheats, useless fathers, porn addicts, expect them to be their unpaid maids and cooks.

I think it is very disingenuous to suggest we don't have major issues in our society with toxic masculinity.

Women are still the ones who do most of the childcare and home admin. Violence against women and girls is a constant issue.

You can't just pretend that this is not the reality.

Maybe not partners but I do think this is true of husbands/wives. It’s a completely different sort of commitment. That view will probably upset some, but it’s true.

Your husband/wife should be your most committed relationship - but not your ONLY. This is where people go wrong.

Love this, men can just be replaced with panic buttons!! ❤

What this poster is saying is completely rational. There’s plenty of awful women out there. Plenty.

I know a woman who financially abuses her husband (he’s not allowed his own bank account)….and many others who do similar shit things.

They’re not all that different to men in the abuse stakes. There’s different ways to be hell to live with.

I’m a married woman by the way.

There are actually high rates of domestic abuse in lesbian relationships, which did surprise me.

I figured that must be what you meant, but I think it's a strange thing to say. Presumably you'd agree that two people should only marry/have children if they love each other and are happy together? 🤔

Yes, better to be single forever than with the wrong partner. Luckily, I see a shift in the younger generation and more of them believe this, especially the women.

The thing is that nobody comes on here to post about great relationships and of they do... they are called smug. So this does make you hands a skewed idea of marriage and relationships.

I have to say, I don't know how some women put up with such useless men... and they were no better before marriage or children. It's much better to be single than with some of these men.

A saying I heard recently is "No woman ever died from not marrying, but some died from marrying wrong"

Totally. Re the 'give him more guidance' thing, I once posted about my frustration that DH always needs telling what needs to be done housework-wise, and got my arse handed to me by a significant number of posters. Apparently I was being difficult and 'setting him up to fail' by not just giving the poor lamb a list, because men apparently 'can't be expected' to know what goes into keeping a house clean and tidy. 🤔

And the birthday posts too, where apparently women should turn cartwheels of joy if their partner manages to produce a crappy card and, if we are really lucky, even write something in it. At least he made an effort, OP! Expecting a present too is apparently being high-maintenance and a spoilt brat. So many women appear to have such a low bar, it's really depressing that we're well into the 21st century and this is where we still are.

Odd comment. Why wouldn’t this poster be genuine. Do you seriously believe there are no women who are terrible partners?

Absolutely, and I’m thinking here of a thread last week where a poster’s son had been chucked by his girlfriend because he wouldn’t even discuss their future and if/when he wanted to marry, having dismissed her as “silly”. She’d then kicked him out after he panic-offered her an engagement ring AND took to hassling her into taking him back. The OP was baffled at this and was convinced the ex girlfriend needed talking to, would come round etc. Which is undoubtably the sort of attitude that generates crap male partners, and there was - rightly - a lot of support for the ex-girlfriend.

But I also agree with @LiveToTell - there are a not-insignificant number of shit female partners, let’s not kid ourselves that all women are paragons of virtue. An ex-friend was baffled when her husband left, which was no surprise to anyone else when she’d treated him like a cash point and sperm donor and servant rolled into one for years.

Personally I hated men until I had a son and I knew I had to change my thinking. Despite having a history of abuse myself, my son was innocent. Since then I have actively sought out positive male role models to counteract and give balance to the negative. Although I understand a desire to be single either just because or because of VAWG, using Mumsnet as a male barometer will be biased towards the men who are genuinely crap. Women are less likely to write gushing posts about there fantastic men. Plus our brains are wired to seek out negative biases as it is these biases that can cause damage to our physical and psychological health. I love my husband and I am thankful we’re on the same team. However he has done things that have hurt me and I know I have done things that hurt him. Despite this, I know I’d rather a life with him - the price of love always comes with the crap, it really is unavoidable. I’m curious with those citing I’m glad I’m single whether this is really a genuine desire or an understandable but maladaptive coping strategy to avoid bad men.

I’m curious with those citing I’m glad I’m single whether this is really a genuine desire or an understandable but maladaptive coping strategy to avoid bad men.

I wonder that too… I mean, you don’t people on here posting about “I’m so fucking glad I’ve not got the flu / I’m not in debt / don’t live in Russia” or something… There’s a visceral, even aggressive, intensity to the “gladness” that hints there’s more lurking beneath the “happy” surface.

I remember being told on here, about a decade ago, that I was 'jealous' and 'bitter' for loving my singlehood!

Well, that 'jealous' and 'bitterness' that i was dating, ended up doing a stint in jail for sexual abuse!

I'm an independent woman. I have my own house, car, money, job. Everything I have, I have worked darn hard for and I have no debt.

Who knows what the future holds but let me tell you, I'll be dealing the cards this time. I will make sure the bar is sky high...nothing more than we ALL deserve!

And I don't miss crap sex!!

I’m single and I would like to meet someone but I’ve had bad experiences in the past and some awful male role models in my life, so I’m not entering a relationship just for the sake of it to make society happy (or to solve the housing crisis according to another poster on this thread).

People can be single for whatever reason they like. Not sure why it affects you.

Another benefit of being single is my lifestyle is down to me and not dependent on a husband’s/partners income. So I don’t have the worry or having to stay in a bad relationship because I can’t afford to leave. That is worth a lot to me.

Sadly yes - I would agree with this take. I also know it intimately. My take on men before having a son involved homicidal ideation against men - something I knew I’d have to change. Now I understand this may not be the extreme that a lot
of people feel, but it is perfectly understandable that some women put up a protective barrier against the thing that threatens or hurts us. But then this means we block out the good men, the funny men, the inspirational men, the protective men, all the good versions of what being a man brings. For this reason alone, I seek these out and they have been instrumental in me letting go of ‘some’ of the anger. I will say, one of my first healthy relationships with a man, was my male therapist. Not my husband, although my husband is an amazing man, he has his own struggles and I too had my own defences meaning I tended to respond negatively, sometimes abusively, towards my husband - but despite all this, he stayed close, never shamed me and just loved me, cracks and all.

I don’t want this to come across as insensitive and/or naive to the stats of vawg, but I also don’t want to live in my body and mind being instructed by these facts.

By your own logic: IF implying single women are convincing themselves they are happy, when you say they are not, would that not also mean that couples are convincing themselves they are unhappy when they are not? We all know that some couples ARE ACTUALLY unhappy and aren't pretending to be unhappy ..so why can't the same realisation be made for us? That we are TRULY happy?

I’m not sure whether this is directed at me or both but perhaps my answer would provide clarity in my thinking. As I said in my initial post - there are indeed some women (and men) who are happy to be single, just because.

I never said it did affect me… I agree, people can be single for any reason they like. There shouldn’t be a stigma to being single. I’ve been single for a number of years myself during my life.