To be so fucking thankful I'm single?

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

Been single for 9 years now. I love it. Left a DV relationship and find it hard to trust or build a bond with a man without them getting on my last fucking nerve. I'll be happy dying single. But my gosh the threads I've seen the past few days about people's partner's/husbands being lazy or miserable or ungrateful over this supposedly happy period reminds me how happy I am not having to deal with all that shit anymore

And also how men can change after you’ve had children and you end up feeling trapped until you can get out, which can take time.

I’ve been single a while. I’d love to meet someone decent but until I do, I’m staying single. I have a good life and not settling just because society feels more comfortable when a woman is in a relationship.

MN would cure most of wanting a relationship, even more so having children with an abusive arsehole.

A few people have mentioned that the women in happy relationships with men won't come onto MN to speak about that. True, but it's also worth noting that it goes both ways. The complaints we see here from women, about men, are just the tip of the iceberg. Not every woman experiencing some brand of bullshit is on MN, and even if they use MN or other online portals, they won't all speak up. As we also know, women are very good at minimising the nonsense they have to put up with because the alternative means saying it out loud... then probably not being able to ignore the reality of their awful relationship quite so effectively.

Those who really are with one of the good ones, and by a good one, I'm not talking about Mister Bare Minimum Man (because these seem to get lumped into the same 'good ones' bracket too), are in a minority.

Most of us will not find the love we desire from a relationship with a man, but the danger is that as women we are often incredibly proficient in making excuses for men and contorting ourselves into various shapes to kid ourselves that "we're working through it", which usually translates as "he fucked up, I'm compromising yet again, he isn't changing at all, but I will be manipulated into taking a portion of the blame for insert awful incident and then I can make it work".

A good friend once said to me, "I'm no longer fixing what I haven't broken. Instead, I'm letting it fall apart". That's always stuck with me, and towards the end of my dating days, I lived by that until I realised that every single relationship or dating experience is another brief season in life that I'll inevitably have to call time on. It was pointless.

For those with a genuine unicorn, you are very, very lucky. There are not enough to go around for all of us.

Many of us, once we get to our 40s and beyond (and for some women who are far more savvy than I was when I was younger who reach this point at an earlier age), we make peaceful lives for ourselves as singles. I'm absolutely with you, OP.

Wasting time on trying to find that unicorn feels like a terrible waste of time; there are friendships to enjoy (incidentally, my friendships with women have always been full of joy, sharing, generosity, empathy - a far cry from how it feels to be with a man), hobbies and careers to delve into, a peaceful home to relax in, and lots of other really lovely things in life to create a great and fulfilling life.

YANBU.I totally agree with you. I have been single for just over 8 years now. After the end of my last relationship (4.5 years I really regret that I will never get back) I decided enough was enough. I'm now 62 and I honestly never intend to get romantically involved with anyone again. I'm totally done with men. Such a relief!

It’s funny there is a saying: “Single women keep other women single.”

I always found the opposite to be true. So many of the married / partnered women who post here make relationships sound unappealing. And that’s including the ones who aren’t complaining (like a different OP who thought it was “normal”
that male partners did zero housework and the woman did it all.)

Yabu DH is absolutely brilliant couldn’t have done Christmas without him

Yawn.

The “all women who are single must be bitter” is such a tired misogynistic trope.

It posits that a male partner is a requirement for a woman to be content in life.

For those with a genuine unicorn, you are very, very lucky. There are not enough to go around for all of us.

what I find amusing is that assumption that we (women) are perfect and a gift from above.

I am not sure the majority of women are the catch they think they are either 😂Some of the posters on here who (allegedly) are women sound horrendous.

So many threads about an ex DH rushing to marry his new girlfriend and have a very happy relationship leaving a very bitter very jealous ex wife. Ever occurred to anyone that DH might have learnt lessons from his first mistakes , but also that the new relationship is happy simply because the new wife is not the ex-wife, and much more pleasant to live with?

There are some good ones out there, my DH works hard, has always more than pulled his weight in the house/ with the kids, and is very thoughtful/ generous with gifts. Been happily together for 25 years. I personally wouldn’t put up with any of the rubbish I see on here, I would rather be on my own than with a selfish dickhead.

I think this is me. I am content as I am which includes being single. I don’t have strong views on men and think I am equally not the marriage / relationship type (as in what is required of women in relationships is at complete odds with who I am as a person.)

Well mine is fabulous

I absolutely don’t want to be the one coming on to say how happy their relationship is and how great their partner is but it’s true.

It makes me furious there are so many shit and awful partners and dads out there. I will continue to direct my anger towards those shit men and not the partners who stay. The reasons for not leaving are so complex and these women don’t need yet more anger and judgment which is often what they get on here.

I agree with the posters also saying that we can define the relationships we want too. We don’t have to get married, live together, have children and completely merge our lives if that doesn’t work for us. We don’t have to lose ourselves to a relationship and I think part of the problem is that’s what happens.

Date, live separately, do what feels good rather than what you think you should do. Not every relationship needs to look the same way.

There was yet another thread the other day talking about how your partner should be your most committed and important relationship but how risky and short sighted is that? To make your world so small that your life revolves around one relationship. I don’t feel that’s healthy at all and if it goes wrong it can leave people alone and isolated.

I think some expectations are completely the wrong way around too.

He has young kids, he should give up all his hobbies and friends and weekends must be FAMILY TIME! (well, apparently Saturday is cleaning the house Day, and family time Sunday on MN 😂) How dare he planning a sport one afternoon/ day every weekend!

ahem... what about MUM gets some kind of life and does a sport and activity and start seeing friends? What about mums stop having such a narrow-minded and claustrophobic view of the world and gets some kind of life too? You just share the children-free time. I am not a bad mum because I do sports and I am take a few days off regularly

Or we have: he takes the children outside WRONG! he took the wrong hat! Gave snacks at the wrong time! Who said you're having the only say in terms of right hat or right snack?
Then we have threads about mothers who must put the kids at nursery on their days off because they couldn't possibly cope! But moan that dads who have been working all week too would like a bit of time off too?

*DeftWasp · Today 09:38
I'll give a male perspective - I'm a nice, decent chap in mid 40's. Two serious relationships, the first cheated on me and left (leaving me heartbroken), the second, for no reason decided to up and go

Men often say someone left for no reason when what they actually mean is the reason didn’t make sense to them. People don’t leave for no reason.

What saddens me even more than these threads about men not helping out around the home is hearing about it in real life. One of my colleagues describes her husband as 'useless' and that's why she has to do everything. She never, ever mentions leaving him. It just seems to be an accepted dynamic. The other colleague I have is male. He says his wife 'does everything' (childcare, managing the home, making Christmas happen). I often think, does she want to do everything or have you given her no choice? Very sad what goes on behind closed doors. Even sadder that it's accepted.

I left my husband years ago because he did nothing to help me out around the house or keep our marriage going with love and respect. I tried, and failed, many times to get him to be an equal partner but he called it 'women's work.' I just couldn't put up with that for the rest of my life. I'm much happier alone.

I'm in a very happy relationship, I just don't post about it. He cooked Christmas dinner and tidied up afterwards. But I was in a couple of bad relationships and had many years single in my 20s and 30s. I liked being single and I definitely think it's better to be single than be with the wrong person. But if you get lucky enough to find the right person it's pretty great too.

Hell yes. It’s been quite a long time since we split up but I still look back with irritation at how my then-partner agreed a 50/50 split on everything - housework, finances etc - and then promptly started pushing the boundaries. He was too tired to do the washing up (his job) because he’d got up early for work, it wasn’t fair I’d bought a 50p chocolate bar with the weekly shop when I was hungry because he shouldn’t have to subsidise me, he shouldn’t have to do as much laundry because he felt more of the clothes in the laundry basket were mine. On and on and on, and yet he genuinely thought he was being treated unfairly. Thank fuck I didn’t have children with him - mind you, he still expected me to sort his life out for him after we’d separated!

It’s funny there is a saying: “Single women keep other women single.”

A lot of men make women prefer being single. We look at the entitled men who think women are a trophy to be shown off or an asset to benefit from (I’m still salty about the man who said I’d be a good wife for someone because I can cook), with crap attitudes, a permanent sense of being hard-done-by and more baggage than BA. And we think “Nah, fuck that for a lark” and go and enjoy ourselves being single instead.

I do thank my lucky fucking stars I was born when I was mind; a couple of generations before me and that just wasn’t an option.

Absolutely agree... although I do worry a bit about being older and alone in practical terms. A single elderly neighbour broke a hip recently and wasn't found for a long time - it was lucky postie happened to come past and hear her shout.

If it helps I did start a thread yesterday praising the good ones as I too was disheartened reading all the threads about shit men.

There were lots of replies from those with lovely men too 😊

I adore my husband, but when I look at some of the fuckers I've been with before... I realise I am lucky to have a 'unicorn' and can well see why so many women are choosing to stay single.

Definitely better to be single than in a relationship with the wrong man.

I haven’t seen anyone on here push the narrative that only men want sex. I want really great sex. I won’t tolerate anything less. Many men don’t seem to understand women’s bodies and, like almost everything else in the patriarchy, sex is often male focused with women’s needs an afterthought. Take a look at our culture - our films, fashion etc and you’ll see what I mean.

For me, now that I have experienced the single life I just can’t go back, no matter how nice the man.

I choose the single life even though there are huge cultural advantages to being part of a couple: A wife or mother is viewed as having a higher status than a single woman who is often viewed as sad and lonely. If only they knew.

I’ve experienced both, and while I absolutely loved living alone and being single, I love being with my DH more.

My point was that choosing to be single isn’t just about avoiding “bad” men. For many it is a particular lifestyle choice and one which evidence shows is often very good for women’s wellbeing.